to not want to go to the new house my friend/ex shares with his girlfriend?

[havingadilemma]

Have namechanged, but I'm a regular. Have only changed because some people in RL know my posting name.

I have been involved on and off for years with this person, never actually together, but we have slept together a number of times etc when neither of us have been in relationships (and one time I'm ashamed of when he was with someone).

We are friends and have been for a long time. I value him in my life and I know he feels the same way about me. This is apart from the fact that we've got a sexual history.

The problem is, he's moved in with someone and really wants me to meet her and go to the house. We have had a better friendship the past year when we haven't been sleeping together and I'm not harbouring feelings about wanting that to continue, but I feel very uncomfortable at the idea of getting to know his girlfriend. I don't mind meeting her in a group setting (we do have some of the same friends) but he seems to really want me to specifically go to see her for a one on one introduction.

I don't really want to go. Like I said, it's just uncomfortable to do that knowing our sexual past. No one knows what has happened with us, so it's not as if I would be sat there with someone who knows about us, I will be introduced as a friend and that's it. She will never be told we were otherwise involved. I'm not desperate for her to know, I just find it weird to be there with her, almost like it's deceiving her. Probably stupid, although I don't know.

So what should I do? Should I just go and sit there awkwardly? I don't know whether to keep putting it off in the hope I might meet her in a group or just try it and hope for the best.

Thanks for any answers I get, I hope I've been descriptive enough, I don't want to do an AIBU by stealth!

He might give you an ultimatum, meet her and continue to see him or refuse and no longer see him, but that's the worse case scenario but kind of the choice I was given.

Best thing is just to try not to think about this so much, tell him you'd love to meet her (regardless of if that's true or not) but insist it's at the pub or something. Hopefully after the initial meeting, he'll lose interest in trying to make you her friend and you two can both get on with things.

Am totally with mj on this.

If you are socialising in the same circles I think it really unfair she isn't told from the off. She will feel a fool when she does find out.

Is it my place to tell her though? I really don't think it is. And it's also not my place to interfere with their relationship to the point where I'm telling him to tell her about our past.

Can I have any effect on what she knows?

(Sorry, am doing bits and pieces at the moment so am replying as I can, don't mean to ignore anyone!)

But surely it's not my place to tell him to tell her either?

So do I sit back and ignore that part of the issue? I don't see what else I could reasonably do.

No, he should be telling her.

If he doesn't it's going to look really dodgy when she does find out.

X posts.

I would bring it up with him tbh. I really do think it deceitful if she isn't told.

I have been both 'you' and the 'other girl' in this situation. It is not fair not to tell her. She is bound to suspect and if he lies to her it will damage their relationship. You wont relax around her because it will always be there and you will feel like a false friend. Tell you friend to man up and tell her if she means anything to him at all. It's her choice from there on it. You two having a secret behind her back is not a good way for them to start their relationship.

No - it is certainly not your place to tell her, it's his and I would tell him, that until he does you don't want to meet her.

We are able to discuss things like this, he is the type of friend I can openly say anything with anyway, and this is not a taboo subject. I will ask him if he has any intention of telling her about us. I suppose I can't really say anything further on that one until I know his reaction (although I suspect he will say she doesn't need to know).

Chipping, is it really reasonable to sort of hold him to ransom? He tells her or I won't meet her? I suppose that seems quite harsh to me. In my mind, it still seems the easy option for me for her to not know, so I'm trying to balance that with what seems fair.

I would have thought he tells her or you don't see him TBH, if there is to be an ultimatum. If he refuses to tell her, but you keep seeing him ,then you are both decieving her

You're making it sound like there is still something between you tbh

Definitely nothing between us josie. But that perception is another thing that makes me a bit about her knowing. I could anticipate any woman looking for signs of a current 'thing' if they knew there was a past. And there absolutely is nothing between us now.

create, I won't give him an ultimatum that involves that kind of choice, I don't think that's fair. Don't get me wrong, I see why you're saying that, but I wouldn't go that far.

Yes, I see your point, but I also suspect you won't do it because (maybe subconciously) you're scared he'll choosee her over you.

She'll be looking for signs anyway and you having a cosy secret won;t make her any less insecure

Just a thought. Is it definitely him who wants this meeting or is she insisting on it, to check out the competition?

YANBU not to go along for a big "meeting the girlfriend" session if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

You feel how you feel, and it's perfectly reasonable to act on that feeling, even as you work out where it's coming from.

I agree with Chipping, mj and create that he should tell her about your past. If you are tying yourself in this many knots just about where to meet her it is not a nothing that can just be ignored. Telling her wouldn't be raking up some past, it would be letting her in on the present. Something is is only respectful to do.

I would also not be prepared to meet her at his home or in intimate situations until I knew that she knew. To do otherwise would feel unfair and deceitful.

There's no reason at all why she should see you as any kind of competition if she knows you're just friends who have shagged from time to time. What's to be jealous of? Presumably if you two were going to make it as a couple, you've had plenty of opportunity.

However if you two are keeping secrets from her, then she would be right to feel threatened by you, because you would present a threat to her relationship.

If I found out DH had previously shagged one of his friends I wouldn't care a damn. If it was one of the friends that has become a close friend of mine and I knew that they had decided to keep it a secret from me I would feel betrayed by both of them.

I might eventually have to forgive him. But I would never forgive her and so she would not be a part of either of our lives any more.

It might be the easy option right now - but for how long?

She is going to know that there is/has been more than 'just friends' between you and his denial will just make her feel like she can't trust her instinct.

You need to make him understand that no matter how much easier it would be for both of you not to tell her - that he cannot start his relationship with her, with a lie and a secret with you. He can tell her that you have been friends for a year without sleeping together and neither of you want that anymore (IF that's the truth), but not to tell her is deceitful.

If they stay together and you don't tell her now, it will come out sometime in the future and either ruin their relationship or your friendship - of that you can be certain.