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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to the new house my friend/ex shares with his girlfriend?

42 replies

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 16:55

Have namechanged, but I'm a regular. Have only changed because some people in RL know my posting name.

I have been involved on and off for years with this person, never actually together, but we have slept together a number of times etc when neither of us have been in relationships (and one time I'm ashamed of when he was with someone).

We are friends and have been for a long time. I value him in my life and I know he feels the same way about me. This is apart from the fact that we've got a sexual history.

The problem is, he's moved in with someone and really wants me to meet her and go to the house. We have had a better friendship the past year when we haven't been sleeping together and I'm not harbouring feelings about wanting that to continue, but I feel very uncomfortable at the idea of getting to know his girlfriend. I don't mind meeting her in a group setting (we do have some of the same friends) but he seems to really want me to specifically go to see her for a one on one introduction.

I don't really want to go. Like I said, it's just uncomfortable to do that knowing our sexual past. No one knows what has happened with us, so it's not as if I would be sat there with someone who knows about us, I will be introduced as a friend and that's it. She will never be told we were otherwise involved. I'm not desperate for her to know, I just find it weird to be there with her, almost like it's deceiving her. Probably stupid, although I don't know.

So what should I do? Should I just go and sit there awkwardly? I don't know whether to keep putting it off in the hope I might meet her in a group or just try it and hope for the best.

Thanks for any answers I get, I hope I've been descriptive enough, I don't want to do an AIBU by stealth!

OP posts:

create · 29/11/2010 17:02

If you are genuinely just friends and expect (want) that to continue. If he is a good friend and you and he intend to part of each other's lives going forward, then surely you must meet her and be comfortable going to his home.

If he is in a serious relationship he intends/wants to be long term, he needs to tell her about your history and she needs to be comfortable with your current relationship, otherwise, one of you has to go I'm afraid.

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:07

We are definitely just friends, I am no threat to her at all.

I do want to meet her, it's just the idea of being in a one on one situation that's bothering me. I feel weird about it, despite my long OP I'm having trouble putting my finger on what it is exactly that bothers me most, but it's just uncomfortable.

Does he really need to tell her about our history if it's completely in the past? I'm not being sarcastic with that, I just can't decide if you're right or not create. I guess I mean is there any point making an issue out of it if it has no baring on the present.

OP posts:

sansucre · 29/11/2010 17:07

YANBU.

I was in a similar situation to you and it was horrible as I felt so self-conscious and the girlfriend was suspicious of the exact nature of my friendship with her boyfriend.

I have only been around the pair of them in a group situation and tbh, I don't want to be in his house with them anyway. It's taken a few years and things are easier, still awkward and tend to stay away.

I don't have a problem with the girlfriend but we have absolutely nothing in common and she doesn't like me so really, what's the point?

Good luck with it all, it will get easier but I think he's putting you in a horrible situation and should understand that maybe for the first couple of meetings, it would be best if it was in a more public place around other people.

create · 29/11/2010 17:09

Well, if he was your DP and regularly seeing an old friend who he had slept with, how would you feel if he didn't tell you, if it was their little secret?

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:10

Thank you sansucre, you've got to the crux of what I mean. It's not about never meeting her, just making it a gradual thing.

I'm sure my friend is seeing things a bit too black and white, he wants all the areas of his life to fit together well, but he's forgetting/ignoring/being oblivious to the fact that it's not that straightforward, even though we are just friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:12

I suppose it would be uncomfortable create, but I know I am no threat to her and I don't want to cause problems tbh. He won't be telling her, I know that for a fact. If she was to find out about us, I would have to force him to tell her (which I don't want to do) or tell her myself (which I definitely don't want to do!).

OP posts:

greentig3r · 29/11/2010 17:16

I'm still good friends with an ex and have always found it awkward meeting his new partners at first- some I've hit it off with, others not. He now has a lovely wife and we often go out as a foursome. I agree- he needs to be open about it before anything else, otherwise he's putting you in a potentially very awkward position.

If you're really uncomfortable with it, don't do it.

mjinsparklystockings · 29/11/2010 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sansucre · 29/11/2010 17:21

Your friend sounds an awful lot like my friend. Everything was always seen in black & white terms.

As for what create said about telling her about you and him having shad ex. NO NO NO!!! That will just screw it up and there's every chance she might try to ban him from spending time with you. (I speak from experience.)

in my case, we decided that the girlfriend was to never know about me and him, and even when she kept questioning him about our friendship, he's never told her. Originally I was against this and thought she should know but it really is for the best she doesn't know. It happened before she was on the scene and won't happen again, so why rake it all up.
I don't see him that much any more which is a huge pity. He was one of my closest friends.

Anyway, back to you :)

Maybe suggest a drink at the pub or something to show willing and tell him you appreciate it if he didn't keep forcing it upon you and it will all happen naturally.

ENormaSnob · 29/11/2010 17:22

What mj said.

Think it's unfair she isn't told tbh.

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:22

I'm not really reluctant to meet her though mj, I'm just reluctant to do it in such a forced setting. If I met her a couple of times when out in a group, I think it would be much more comfortable and I would be able to have a conversation with her before actually having to because we're the only people there. I'm not adverse to eventually spending time with her one on one, but I am quite uncomfortable with this being the first meeting.

OP posts:

sansucre · 29/11/2010 17:22

That should read having had sex, not having shad ex!

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:24

I'm glad you get it sansucre, your situation sounds a lot like mine (thank you for sharing it). I just don't see there is any benefit to be had from raking up the past for the sake of her knowing everything. It just seems a bit pointless to me.

OP posts:

create · 29/11/2010 17:27

Having, It's not about it being uncomfortable, it's about him being dishonest with his new partner - exactly what sparkly says in fact.

If you know you are no threat to her, why does it matter if she knows and why are you scared of meeting her? If he's a good friend (and nothing else)wouldn't you at least want to know his partner? If you are to continue being friends and his relationship lasts, then won't you want to know their children etc... Ok that may be over thinking it, but how is it possible to be good friends with someone, but avoid such a big part of them/their life?

mjinsparklystockings · 29/11/2010 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RandyRussian · 29/11/2010 17:28

Maybe he's after a 3-way?

mjinsparklystockings · 29/11/2010 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RandyRussian · 29/11/2010 17:30

Brilliant X-post

create · 29/11/2010 17:30

sansucre - that's exactly my point though. She may want to ban him seeing having and that will be for him to deal with, but if he knows/suspects he wouldn't be "allowed" to see her if she knew, how is it right for him to continue seeing having without his DP knowing?

What would you be saying if the DP was posting?

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:30

I'm not scared of meeting her. I would like to meet her. I just don't want to meet her for the first time one on one, it seems too forced and uncomfortable.

mj, I am thinking on what you've said, I'm not ignoring you, just not sure what I feel in response yet!

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 29/11/2010 17:33

I don't tihnk he should tell his girlfriend.

It's not about being dishonest with her, I just don't think people need to tell their partners every detail of their sexual past. It is irrelevant. I wouldn't want my partner telling me all about everyone he slept with before me. It's his business, not mine.

overmydeadbody · 29/11/2010 17:34

havingadilema, you need to think about this as if he is just a friend that you have never shagged. If he was just a friend and wanted you to meet his GF that he's moved in with, it would not seem forced would it? Just what friends do. I tihnk you are putting too much weight on the fact that you have slept with him. Put that asside for a bit, compartmentalise it, and just view him as a friend who wants to introduce his girlfriend to his closest friends in their new home.

create · 29/11/2010 17:36

Overmydeadbody, you wouldn't think it was your business if your DP was still seeing her socially?

Original poster

havingadilemma · 29/11/2010 17:40

Good point overmydeadbody. I probably am overthinking it. Perhaps a meeting in a public place one on one would be better? Alleviate the pressure perhaps?

In all likelihood, she is probably nervous about meeting me as well.

OP posts:

rocketleaf · 29/11/2010 17:45

point 1: if you are uncomfortable with it don't do it. As your friend, he shouldn't be asking you to do something you are not happy about.

point 2: I agree with mj/create about him being honest with her. If she is the kind of person who can't accept that he can be trusted round his exs or understand that people can have platonic relationships after a sexual one, then they are both heading for trouble.

I find it weird that he seems to be trying to force a friendship between you as if he want to tie up all the loose ends without actually telling her quite an important thing about your previous relationship. IMO trust is the most important thing in a relationship and lies of omission are still lies. OK no point raking it up if you weren't intending to still be friends but you are. That's his problem not yours though. So in answer to the original post, just make sure it a casual thing with others about, coming up to xmas there must be plenty of opportunities for that.

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