In laws

[OatcakeGirl]

My husband and I have spent the last 4 Christmases with his family, and they seem to expect that we always should. None of my husband's older siblings have to do this - they are allowed to alternate.

I'm 4 months pregnant with my first child. I'm not religious, but my inlaws are, and take Christmas very seriously. I told my FIL that I had been offered an antenatal appointment on Xmas Eve (in Scotland), and apologised that I'd have to miss their Xmas in Sussex this year. He spluttered "So you don't care about Christmas at all!" then slammed the phone down! I thought it was so rude.
From my point of view, my health and that of my unborn child is indeed more important than Xmas, but my inlaws think their Christmas celebration is more important. Surely being a good Christian is about thinking of what's best for others instead of putting your own wishes for a party first?

My husband has to spend a lot of time working in London, and we have flats in Scotland and London. I will be giving birth in Scotland, and that's something my husband and I are both happy with, especially as I want to have my mother around before and after the birth.

MIL phoned me to tell me I ought to be giving birth near their home in Sussex, because my husband will feel left out if he has to travel up to Scotland.

I didn't want to make my husband feel bad about his mother, so I didn't make a big thing of what she had said, but asked him if he was really OK about me giving birth in Scotland. He assured me he was very happy about it.

I hid that I was upset, and lightly said "I think your mum would prefer me to give birth in Sussex."
My lovely husband replied "Well,it's about what's best for us, not what's best for my mother." So if he is fine about it, why is MIL interfering like this?

I agreee with littlemiss.

I can't imagine a single one of my relatives haning up the phone on me ever, it's just such an unreasonable thing to do.

You were blackmailed into cancelling the appointment and now the precendent is set that they have a tantrum and you will comply with what they want.

tellnoone - no relative of mine would hang up on me either. Nobody I know would ever hang up on me more than once.

Outrageous!

Well, no-one has ever hung up on me in my life. I know it's emotional blackmail - pretty stinky behaviour, and very immature for a 75 year-old man! He's quite patriarchal....
My husband is the polar opposite - gentle and conciliatory - thankfully!

Several posters have asked what DH thought. I decided to spare his feelings, partly on my own instinct, partly on my mum's advice. So he doesn't know that his father hung up. He'd feel bad about it, and he knows his father is an idiot, but he's still his father, and he loves him, in spite of everything.

MIL called to apologise, and just to smooth things over, I pretended that I thought there was a fault on the phone line. I'm not very good at confrontation, and that's been a good thing up to now, as I've always been able to walk away from tricky situations without saying unforgivable things.

This is the first time in my life that I have really felt that my peacemaking might be the wrong move, as I'm worried that it might indeed lead to me being walked all over, as some of you have said.

I generally stick up for PIL, but in this case they are being childish in the extreme. If 2yr olds have tantrums you ignore them so I would do the same with them!

Do NOT give in here. Have read the thread. This is TERRIBLE precedent to set. If you tacitly agree that it is unreasonable of you to miss a social occasion for the sake of a MEDICAL appointment, then where do you go from here?

They will feel entitled to demand you travel down with a small baby at their beck and call. If you can't say "no, prior appointment" now, you won't feel able to say "I don't feel like travelling miles right now. I'm utterly exhausted and I want to sleep while the baby does".

Learn to say no now.

"Don't you DARE let your FIL bully you into cancelling antenatal appointments. How bloody dare he. Tell him due to the next available appointment not being convenient, you have decided to stick to the Doctor's plan."

LittleMissHissyFit speaks the truth. Get that appointment back. They sound like something from Cold Comfort Farm - do they have something nasty in the woodshed?

If they want a relationship with their GC it is up to them to promote it and be utterly lovely and kind to their GC's mother.

they are being unreasonable. talk to your DH about it ad agrre to spend xmas in Scotland - if that's what you want to do. Then he tells them that's what you're doing.

once you have a baby this gets even more complicated, as then there is The Child....

you need to be firm: start now.

and a london flat is equal in value to a small house in these parts (also Sussex)

OP, you are making a rod for your own back here. You can't be cancelling ante natal appts because your FIL has had a tantrum. It's lovely that you want to spare your DH from experiencing all this, but the two of you are a team and he needs to hear the truth.

I think it would be a huge mistake to move into property that they own or allow them to help with childcare costs. They will think that this entitles them to a say in how your child is raised. You will have no peace or independence and if you dare to try and do things your way, FIL will have a strop. It's a bad idea to live beholden to anyone but especially to people like your ILs.

I honestly think you will be better in a small flat, but free, than in a bigger house, but dominated and controlled.

Please try to get your appt back. It's more important than your FILs plans. You really do need to send a message now. Listen to all the advice from people on here who have been through all this.

I also agree with LittleMissHissyFit

Do not give into them, your fil behaved like a spoilt petulant toddler and will continue to do so if you give into him each time he does so.

FGS don't take the house in Sussex either, you and your dh need to stand on your own two feet or else your in-laws will use it to control you.

You also need to tell your dh exactly how they behave instead of keeping it from him.

Thank you so much for all of your comments - they are greatly appreciated. I feel like a have a clear view now. I will have a gentle chat with DH about setting boundaries for his parents, but ask him to make it all clear to his parents, rather than hoping that they will tactfully understand what's acceptable - they have already proved that they are clueless and insensitive (but they produced a wonderful son, probably because he spent his teenage years being a peace broker between them!)

P.S. Karmabeliever said "Listen to all the advice from people on here who have been through all this."

It's good to hear that, because it makes me feel that I'm not alone in all of this. Did you have problems with difficult inlaws?

Yes, The Little House sprang to mind with me, too!

'FIL is estramged from his eldest son from his first marriage, and MIL, while not exactly estranged from her daughter from first marriage, has an uneasy relationship with her. The daughter (my husband's half-sister) wouldn't speak to her mother (my MIL) for many years, but she does now, although she tries not to spend time with her.'

I can't think why!

I think the answer to your FIL saying 'So you don't care about Christmas at all' with regard to your xmas eve appt is 'So you don't care about the health of your new grandchild and my health? I thought you were supposed to be christian, doesn't seem a very christian attitude'

It's outrageous that FIL is so dictatorial and by cancelling your appt his strategy has worked - you are going to spend xmas with them this year, despite not wanting to intially.

Even if you do go this year make sure you talk about how when the baby is here your parents want to spend xmas with you too so that next year (or the next 4 years if you want to be evening up years with each side!) you will be spending xmas with your mum. Or even mention it now - given the choice of spending this year with pregnant dil or next year with new gc, MIL might persuade fil that next year would be better.

And of course when the new baby does arrive, that's always a good time to start new traditions like staying at home and doing xmas at home because you are too tired to go anywhere else

If your dh is saying that things are about what is best for you rather than his parents then appeal to his better nature and say that this pregnancy is getting you down, you're tired, worried about it and want the appt for reassurance, and you don't want to be spending hours sitting in a car driving to sussex (very bad for dvt, higher risk if you are pg - might be a useful excuse to throw in at this point)

good luck and hope it works out - remember it is your fil that has most to lose because he wants you to go to him; would be different if he was going to come to you and turn up on your doorstep regardless of whether you invited him or not. If you don't get in the car, you won't get to sussex. Reassure him that you will still spend some christmas's with him, maybe he is holding on to spending every christmas with you because he worries that something will have happened between you before the next xmas and he'll have lost contact with your family too.

And you mil knows that fil behaved badly otherwise she wouldn't have phoned up to make the peace!

FWIW i got a nasty UTI in pregnancy after going on a 5 hour drive to see ILs.. that help?

OatcakeGirl - Lets just say that my Ils wanted my baby to call them mama and papa!

I met my DH when we were very young and as a teenager was okay with fitting in with their plans. Things changed as my DH and I grew older, had our own baby etc. I wanted to make my own parenting/lifestyle choices and I think they were very reluctant to let go. In truth, my FIL could be quite manipulative and shit stirring at times.

I dealt with it by deciding what I wanted and standing by it. This resulted in some very awkward discussions with my ILs, but my Dh was supportive of me and it means that I wasn't pushed around by other people. I wasn't their favourite person in the whole world, but it was important that they knew I was my babys mother and my wishes were more important than theirs when it came to bringing up my son.

You have to stand up for yourself, because if you don't they will be running your life for you.

Oh I meant to add, I've also done call screening, getting them to visit when my DH is at home etc. I think perhaps that some people have difficulties with boundaries and so need to have these set for them. If you can do it before the baby is born, then so much the better.

Oatcakegirl, may I add my voice to all those who are suggesting you stay away from their Sussex Cottage? I think your FILs behaviour is rude and inconsiderate, but Christmas is a punctual occasion that you go through and grin and bear (were it not for the fact that you have a rather crucial medical appointment at that time).

However, moving into (practically) their backyard and having them around EVERY DAY, plus taking a very active role in the childcare of your child, may prove absolutely draining. This is your first child. Do not underestimate how protective you will feel. You will resent interference, and you may lack the intimacy that you need with your DC and your DH as a new family. I think one should be grateful for PIL's help, but always being clear about boundaries. Your PILs do not seem good at boundaries from what you say, so I would not push my luck.

I have seen new mothers struggling through the (precious) first months of their baby's life due to interfering parents/PILs. I'd be careful.

You really dont want to miss or delay the 5 month appointment. dont want to worry you but mine picked up pre-eclamsia, and i was rushed to hospital where fortunately they managed to get it moderately under control. i had absolutely no symptoms. well - controlled long enough to get the pregnancy to 34 weeks anyway. not worth missing check ups for social occasions especially ones you dont want to attend anyway. and the point about DVT is a good one.

Last night, after a nice trip out to the cinema, DH told me that his mum had called him, and explained what had happened. She was completely mortified that my FIL had behaved like that.
DH had known for a day, and was waiting for me to say something, but eventually raised it himself. He did make some excuses for his father, saying that's just how he is, etc, but he backed me up 100 % and said that if I can get my appointment back, my FIL will just have to accept it.
More importantly, it gave me a chance to say that we absolutely must set clear boundaries if we do move to Sussex. He's going to tell his parents that while we might ask them for help and advice from time to time, unsolicited advice will not be welcome! He's also going to tell them that we will not have an open door policy, and if they want to drop in, they should call us to arrange in advance, as they would with friends.
I've also thought about living with a baby in our tiny flat, and have decided to try it from early on. The cottage can be a bolthole, but the benefits of having privacy in our flat outweigh the benefits of the extra space we'd have at the cottage.
I'll try to rearrange the antenatal appointment.
Thank you all for your advice - it was great to run this past you and get a consensus that I wasn't being unreasonable, before discussing it! Also, by the time I talked to DH, I had already let off steam, so I was totally calm with DH!

Good plan. Small babies don't take up that much room in the early days even though they come with a surprising amount of Stuff!

Am that you cancelled the appointment, you can't be doing that just because some people are totally self-centred and ill-mannered. You're far too nice!

Well done on MIL for calling to apologise though.