to be pissed off with the school

[welshbyrd]

My DD is 12. Always on time for school.

However, yesterday, due to the icy conditions, she arrived at 9am instead of 8.50am.

I had an car accident 4 weeks ago, and since have become a very nervous driver, hence her being late,

I received a letter this morning, from her school saying that as she was late yesterday, she had done a 10min lunchtime detention for arrivng late to school that morning

Im tamping, if she was late regular id understand, but she is never late, the weather was far from ideal, and the fact im still trying to get my driving confidence back,

The letter states, please speak to your daughter regarding this issue. Please contact such and such a person should i wish to discuss the matter further.

The problem is, i don want to discuss it further, as im really upset about it, however, not matter how much we discuss it, the fact she has already done the detention, means even if they do see that this is a one off, and usual circumstances, beyond her control,they cant stop or undo the punishment because she has already done it

AIBU to think they should have discc=ussed it with me first, before discipling her?

it's a life lesson in itself.

for example:-
i never speed in the car, but if i was to go over the speed limit (even by accident) i would not be let off for speeding and like every one else would get the 3 points and £60 fine

This is going to be my last word on this, but speaking from experience, this is what I would envision would happen if the teacher had let the OP's daughter off.

Teacher: X here's a detention slip, you were late this morning
X: But it was icy and my mum is a very nervous driver. It's only my second time being late.
Teacher: Oh ok but don't let it happen again.
Y: But I'm late because it was icy too and you gave me a detention slip!
Teacher: Yes, Y, but it's your fifth time being late this year.
Y: But why does she get off?! I'm late because it was icy!

Teacher: That's beside the point...
Y: Why is it beside the point? She was late so she should get detention!
Teacher: Don't argue please, just turn up for detention at lunchtime.
Y: It's so unfair! How come she gets out of it?

W: Well it's only my second time being late too, and I'm late because it was icy, so there's no way I'm going to detention either.

And so on and so on. Nightmare.

YABU to expect the school to investigate every single incident of a pupil arriving late, before following the school policy (detention or whatever).

Do you honestly think the school would have the staff in place to deal with everything that would entail?

Do you honestly think every parent (and pupil) would be honest about it anyway?

If so, I suggest you are living in cloud cuckoo land. By all means write and explain the circumstances,politely and rationally. I am on senior management in a school, and in this situation, I would lift the phone, thank you for taking the time to explain, I would explain in turn that the school has a policy which it has to use consistently, but that in the light of your letter, I would bear this in mind if there were bad weather in the future.

That's all it takes.

But to expect the school to act differently without you explaining the situation, and actually being unwilling to explain further when you got the letter inviting you to discuss it, is very unreasonable

I can see why you're annoyed, it is a b it unfair, yes.

However, it is ironic that you have the time and desire to come and moan about it on a message board and yet not to phone and say exactly the same to the school.

The school is able to take your circumstances into account and use some discretion. A group of message boarders are either going to fire you up in your outrage or piss you off even further by not agreeing with you.

Totally and utterly agree with Writerofdreams here.
I am quite shocked that some of you parents are 'really upset''raging' and calling teachers 'shit' and school rules 'petty and stupid'.
OP you write as if you believe the school have written to you individually to humiliate and punish you. It's just a standard note taken off a big pile and handed to a child who is late.
I have an extremely conscientious yr7 DD. She's a complete teachers pet and very anxious about doing the right thing but we both know that if she for Eg. forgets her homework she gets detention. we don't expect a special session with the teacher discussing why she should be an exception.

YABU. Did you write a note to explain her lateness for her to show on arrival to school?

Also, at secondary school, teachers don't assume that Mum still drives them to school, which is why they asked you to speak to her about it. It's not the school place to know that you had an accident 4 weeks ago and are understandably a nervous driver.

My school has a 30 min after school for any lateness - your daughter only had 10 mins, at lunch, which did not affect her ability to get home on time.

My last word too. I don't think a school should need to have a parent phone them to point out that bad weather results in some children being late for school. Its obvious really and in those particular circumstances a bit of leeway on the lateness policy wouldn't go amiss.

In the OPs position I would have phoned the school on the morning that DD was late and explained why. If the school still went ahead with the punishment, then yes, I would cross.

If you are late, you are late. It reminds me of those people you see on television complaining that they can't get on their plane because they were 10 minutes late. The answer is to set out a lot earlier on an icy day.

I didn't understand it to be because of bad weather, karma. Was due to extrme nervousness of op after having an accident. That's why she should speak to the school.

I thought it was both tbh. Do agree that she ought to have spoken to the school on the morning that her DD was late, to explain.

And tbh we all have to factor in circumstances such as icy weather. I have a 20 + mile commute to the school I work at. I aim to start work at 7.45 . Normally that means leaving at 7 but in rubbish weather I just get up earlier as I know I'll have to drive more slowly . Parents would be the first to complain if I showed up late. So actually, if the earliest thing you need to do is drop your dd at 8.50, count yourself lucky you have a relatively late start to your day and give yourself more time

P.S the same applies to other factors such as being anxious following an accident.
I think it's totally understandable that you're nervous, but the sensible thing to do is to factor in extra time, like we all do if there are extraneous circumstances which make a journey longer. The accident happened 4 weeks ago, so you know that you're feeling extra nervous, and in fact the worst thing in these circumstances is to not allow extra time and end up feeling hassled and rushed. Your dd is 12 - quite old enough to understand that you feel anxious about driving - tell her to be ready 10 mins earlier while you're feeling like this and while the weather is bad. That's the responsible and reasonable thing to do - not just turn it into yet another stick to beat schools with!

I don't feel it's unecessary, altinkum, because the point I was trying to make is that we all have to factor in the particular pressures in our lives. When I had 3 young children to get up, and a nursery drop off before work, my day started unbelievably early. That's life isn't it. I also have to give meds to one of my children, plus factor in the icy weather at the moment.

The OP said that it was nervousness about driving and poor weather which made her late. I honestly think the only reasonable answer to that is - Give yourself more time. Or at the very least, be prepared to explain the circumstances to the school. To throw a hissy fit and refuse to explain the circumstances, and to get 'pissed off' with the school is just ridiculous.

Oh please no altinkum!
Then we'll get all those threads moaning about school closures!

Spler- if your angelic DD forgot her homework, and got detention, i agree,but it would be your DD responsibility to tend tio her homework, however, it wasnt my also "angelic" daughters fault I never got her to school on time, unless she hopped in the drivers seat and drove herself?
Pointydog- could not contact the school regarding this (instead of wasting my time posting on here), because my DD was picked up by my sister friday evening from school, as i was 35miles away, buying a new car as the idiot who crashed into me a few weeks ago, has made my car a right off,else my DD would not be in school let alone on time on monday, as courtsey car is gone, did not get back from car sale until 6.45pm, hence school shut, and until Monday, could ring school, but no one shall answer, would have spoken to school regarding lateness, but had DS in car, had I stopped to chat to school, he would have been late too
Tummygoing- I did leave earlier than normal, however, traffic was terrible, nervous going down hills, incase car slips and we crash, nervous breaking incase skidding as losing control of the car,looking for things on the roads that are not there, spotting a car moving lanes, etc 300 yards ahead, just being over cautious, multiplied by 100 with the icy roads, so bad in fact, ive cancelled my physio appt tomorrow, because its 6 miles away, been sat in house all weekend, because of the weather, had i known when we left house we would have been late, i would have wrote note etc

I would be annoyed. Why is she in detention, not her fault she was late, fair enough if her actions made her late.

welsh, the school invited you to contact a nmaed person to discuss it further and you said 'I don;'t want to discuss it further'. You do, however, want to disucss it on here. That's what I was saying.

Pointydog- its not that i do not want to discuss it further, the fact is my DD has already done the detention, that no matter the result of the discussion, they can not undo it, can not replace that time she spent sat in the room

You could have just scribbled a note in her planner. Keep a pen in the car.

You can't reasonably expect the school to know that you were a nervous driver.

You still sound angry, so I'm guessing that you posted on this thread hoping to get some affirmation of your point of view, rather than genuinely find out what other people might think.

There have been some good solutions posted in case this happens again.

It was only 10 minutes. And there is a high chance it will happen again unless you speak to the school about the issues you are trying to deal with just now.

My DS gets school transport. The majority of children do as its a special needs school.

Children have been marked late if they get to the school after registration.
If that happens to my DS I will be annoyed (not raging or fuming) and I would definately have something to say about it.

I dont think there is anything to be gained from this one size fits all policy. I think it makes children distrust and disrespect adults.