to be slightly ticked off at my husband?

[LittleAmy]

Ok some brief background:

I'm a full time SAHM.
My DD is 4 months.
I have PND.
I EBF so am never apart from DD which regularly drives me crazy.
I spend most of my time in our tiny flat alone with DD. I find this lonley and depressing.

DH is aware of all of the above.

I found out an hour ago by text that DH will be late home this evening. He's "going to have a pint with the guys". Then 30 minutes later I got another text: "talking about jobs so may run a little later than expected".

Part of my depression is clock-watching. I normally know that DH will step through the door at 6.30pm and I can finally share the childcare (He leaves at 7.30am). I find looking after DD and EBFing exhausting.

I can't help but feel offended and resentful when I receive texts like this and at such short notice. DH goes to the pub once a week on a Sunday night and also visits his friend once a week. I never go out (apart from a weekly baby group). I'd love to go out for an evening but I'm EBF. I feel that DH is being insensitive. He's effectively 'extended my shift' by a few hours (and it was already an 11 hour shift).

AIBU to feel this way? I haven't texted back although I've been tempted to let loose and rip him a new one.

Having a baby can be overwhelming, caring for them all the time is demanding and largely thankless task in the early stages. You are not being unreasonable in being cross with your DH, but I agree with an earlier poster that you are potentially angry about the whole situation you're in where the responsibility for childcare is 100% with you with no respite - your life has utterly changed and his hasn't. You need to accept that and work out ways to make your life happier.

Having a structure to your week is a lifeaver - it gives you something to look forward to and a change of scenery. Don't push yourself too hard initially - perhaps a walk to the park or a cafe to treat yourself to coffee and a cake. Give the baby a big then put her in a sling and she'll sleep.

Here's some tips that I wish I'd known way before I did:

Feed both sides at each feed - change nappy in between sides to wake up if necessary, with a proper full tummy you've got a better chance of baby sleeping for a while. Babies sleep in 40-45 min cycles. If baby has been asleep for more than 5 mins you should get at least 45 out of them, treat yourself to a long shower or just curl up and have a sleep too. DOn't push yourself to do more than look after yourself and the baby. LET your husband help with the baby when he's home, don't be a martyr, get him to take her out for a walk and do something for yourself for an hour or so. He needs the chance to look after her too.

I really feel for you. I'm EBF my baby too - my third, so I know I will have some time to myself again one day, but it is enormously demanding in the early stages. You're NEVER on your own which I don't think our DH's will ever fully understand. Please keep in contact and let us know how you're getting on.

a big feed

Zeemummy, be facetious all you like. It just makes you look a twat.

Have re read my posts, neither of which were patronising or offensive to the op in any way. It was genuine opinion and trying to offer a solution.

YANBU. In a normal situation, of course you wouldn't mind if your DH made last minute plans to go out. But things are not normal at the moment. You have a young baby and PND to cope with.

At the moment your DH is not entitled to just go out on a whim, he needs to be at home as much as possible to support you. You need to be able to count on him being there when you expect him to be. I totally get that.

It's not forever. Your baby will become less reliant on you, and you will recover from your PND. But for now your DH needs to make an extra effort to put your needs first.

Have to agree with other posters about getting out of the house. Even just a walk down to the local shops and a quick coffee on your own for an hour or so can make you feel so much better.

Do you have any friends that live nearby that you could go walking with? It can be hard to get yourself out the door when you're feeling depressed, so maybe get them to come round and call for you.

Give him a break then maybe he will be happier and that will help your relationship

I don't remember seeing the op say her dh is unhappy, what huge assumption!

Why is it up to her to make everyone happy?

After 11 hours with the baby, I wanted a break too. I am often still exhausted as my 2yr old often has me up at night & I can't seem to get a decent nights sleep sometimes.

I never mind dh going out & doing his own thing, never did. But then I don't have PND. My friend does tho & she suffers terribly, her dh being in late has the potential to throw her into chaos sometimes.

Are some of you really mothers? I am bloody fed up that some people can't see far enough down their fucking noses to offer a new mother, with PND some fucking support!

OP I really sympathise. I do not have PND but I have a four-month-old son and also find myself clock-watching. I get annoyed if my DH isn't home by 7pm even though, logically, I know it's absolutely fair enough for him to be later now and then.

I wouldn't let rip, but I would try and explain that while your child is still young you need a bit of extra support. He might be 'entitled' to fun with friends but I think at this stage he should understand that with the PND it is harder for you, and you don't get any free time on your own at all.

If you are happy with EBF then keep going but try to find ways to ensure it doesn't stop you going out. I am EBF too and for the most part I enjoy it, though sometimes I do stress about only having 90mins or so before having to BF again. Fortunately if I go to the shops and he's in the pram he doesn't tend to need feeding quite so soon. And if I go to a baby group then I just feed him there when he needs it. There are usually a couple of other BFers so I don't feel too odd doing it. The good thing about BF is that hopefully you're at the stage where it's getting a bit easier (even if you feel it's tying you to the house) and if your baby is ever upset at least you know you have magic boobs to help soothe them :)

Classydiva, you are really not being helpful. Not everyone has easy babies. My DS doesn't sleep in the daytime. At all. Looking after him is hard work. While it's worth it because I adore him, looking after him is tough and I don't feel ashamed of looking forward to the moments when I get help.

classydiva, it's people like you that make new mums feel ashamed to get the help they need.
Having children is not easy regardless of circumstances, in fact it was the hardest thing I'd ever done! If only we could all be like you, there'd be no PND.
I don't usually get involved like this but I was so disgusted by your comments that I couldn't let it lie.
For the record, my DS was, and still is an "easy" child...but that didn't stop me getting PND.
"Pull yourself together" is a comment I heard on more than one occasion and it was not helpful. I suggest you open your mind a little and realize that not everyone finds having kids as easy as you.
Grrr...rant over!

Listen to thesecondcoming. She is talking sense.

I take it by the fact that you are ebf (which very few people still are at 4 months) that you are committed to BF. Threfore if youar like me, you wouldn't be happy leaving your baby for so long they woud need a feed - however ther are ways round this. You can, as secondcoming says, leave baby with daddy and go out for a ew hours anyway - he'd find it possible to keep baby quiet - my DH does his sometimes.

how have you tried xpressing? i found machines didn't work for me, but i could hand-express so long as no-one was watching apart from baby (silly isn't it) and left bm for daddy to spoon feed if I wanted to leave baby a while.

I agree that formula is not going to cure your PND! Nor would introducing 'solids'.

I think the problm here isn't that your husband is staying out, it is that you aren't seeing much daylight. do you go out with baby at all? A walk in open spaces every day has been shown to allEviate the symptOms of depression. Toddler groups can help too.

it really is a short period of time before they feed much less often, start solids, start getting a bit more interesting to be around (i say this as someone who doesn't much like babies - they are boring)

one thing abot toddler groups: i find them daunting - your depression will tell you to be afraid of them, sya they're no good, etc, but he other mums at them are usually very understanding because they were once the 'new mum' too.

can someone tell me what EBF is please..

exclusively breastfeeding

I can identify with what you're saying OP. I don't have PND to deal with, but I'm always very ready for DH to come home from work and give me a break (even if just 10 minutes to drink a hot cup of tea!). If he's late, I do fine myself willing him to get home asap.

I DO think he's entitled to a life outside the home, BUT atm he should be supporting you as much as he can. That includes coming home when you are expecting him (emergencies accepted of course) and not staying out late to socialise at the last minute. From your OP, it's not as if he doesn't get out at all is it.

Also, it sounds as if ebf until 6 months is very important to you (I think I read this on one of your other threads?), so I don't think formula is necessarily the answer. If you can express then I would try that. If not, try short breaks as often as you can (over the weekend when your DH isn't working). This period is short, but extremely exhausting. It should be a team effort.

All the other advice about getting out and about during the day is also key. Please try to do it as much as you can. It will REALLY help.

how are you doing Little\Amy?
You still up for meeting for coffee?
(not stalkin, promise!)

Just sending you a big hug. x

Try and get some help from the breastfeeding support groups. I ended up borrowing a very good electric breast pump from the health visitor attached to it. Also got loads of advice. (I hadn't got much from expressing with my daughter and was very tied to her but wanted to try and solve that with my son). Although he never took a bottle at least I could leave milk for him if I went out. I could always get away with two hours as long as he had had a good feed. The breast feeding support groups give you advice on staggering feeds a bit more too. Anyway that's not really at the root of the problem. You have PND which I had both times and you resent your partner for his free time, as did (do) I. Try to explain how you feel to him and keep telling him, and set a few times in the week where you will go out and do something alone that you enjoy.
I had a trainee childcare student worker from the local college who needed a placemnet with a baby. What a godsend. She helped me so much and freed me up to do bits and pieces, or just came along to groups with me. It will get better. Be kind to yourself and talk to your doctor or health visitor about how you feel.

YANBU.

Things are going to start getting easier and your baby will go longer between feeds making it easier to get out.

Ignore Classydiva. There is always someone worse off than you but that doesn't make it any easier right now.

Hello, again.

I remember your other thread, and hope you won't be shocked or upset by this, but you actually sound a bit better. You are focussing on a concrete problem, and there is clear evidence of analysis ("extending your shift" - marvellous!). You also sound pissed off, which is much better (for a stage) than despairing.

The changing plans at whim thing is key here. I had to send Dh a couple of rockets this evening because when I called him, he was in the pub, whereas he hadn't phoned or asked or anything. Now, toddlers can be very full-on (ours can), and getting him to eat supper can be extremely trying. However, after (a late) bedtime, here I am, MNing the rest of my evening away (because he's asleep and I'm not feeding), and I am due to go out on Friday for the day (nursery and ILs picking up the slack, thankfully).

Yet even though I wouldn't mind the pub per se, I am justifiably annoyed because he didn't ask, or even notify me, just left me to wonder where the hell he was (at work? in the snow? waiting for a train? on a train?).

Contrast that with my Friday out, which I had to ask for and make arrangements for, rather than just doing it without a thought.

Focus your attention on this contrast, as it is the ground on which your DH is weakest and most likely to cave. (And, frankly, he should!)

Meanwhile, please re-read the other thread and the discussions about going out and seeing people and letting them see you (really see you).

Hope this helps.