to be slightly ticked off at my husband?

[LittleAmy]

Ok some brief background:

I'm a full time SAHM.
My DD is 4 months.
I have PND.
I EBF so am never apart from DD which regularly drives me crazy.
I spend most of my time in our tiny flat alone with DD. I find this lonley and depressing.

DH is aware of all of the above.

I found out an hour ago by text that DH will be late home this evening. He's "going to have a pint with the guys". Then 30 minutes later I got another text: "talking about jobs so may run a little later than expected".

Part of my depression is clock-watching. I normally know that DH will step through the door at 6.30pm and I can finally share the childcare (He leaves at 7.30am). I find looking after DD and EBFing exhausting.

I can't help but feel offended and resentful when I receive texts like this and at such short notice. DH goes to the pub once a week on a Sunday night and also visits his friend once a week. I never go out (apart from a weekly baby group). I'd love to go out for an evening but I'm EBF. I feel that DH is being insensitive. He's effectively 'extended my shift' by a few hours (and it was already an 11 hour shift).

AIBU to feel this way? I haven't texted back although I've been tempted to let loose and rip him a new one.

I totally understand where you are coming from, however he does not have your health issues you do. He is entitled to a social life outside the home.

You are too but you have to make that social life for yourself, then he can stay home and babysit whilst you are out.

Oh and looking after your own kid and calling it an 11 hour shift? Some single mothers have 24 hour 7 day week shifts.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about your misery rather than impose it on others.

Getting out of the flat is an absolute must. Baby and toddler groups are still my sanity lifeline! Ask your health visitor she will tell you where they are running. If you're in a sure start area their groups are fab.

However YANBU to be pissed off with your OH for going to the pub with his mates at short notice.

Sorry if you thought I was being patronising Enormasnob, it wasn't my intention ....I was being facetious because I found your comment patronising, hope that clears things up...This is last thing I'm going to say, because this thread isn't about you.
Hope you feel better Little Amy

You should mix feed then - do you not think your mental health being affected like this is not worse for your baby than a few bottles of formula?

Looking after babies is easy, I have done it with two, they feed, you change and wind them, they sleep all day.

The OP is talking as if it is a chore, looking after your own children is no chore.

She is one of the lucky ones she has a partner, some of us had one but they were never there and we managed.

She feels sorry for herself, the only way ever out of depression is to help yourself there is no magical cure I should know.

Takes time and effort, and effort you put in yourself others cannot help if you don't help yourself.

I had not realised you could only be aaaaah there there on here, this is about diversity, different perspectives. You keep going aaaaah to someone who needs a push they just sink lower.

classydiva that post is horrible. And babysit his own child? I think not.

Anyway onto some constructive advice

How do you feel about the breastfeeding? I absolutely longed for a break but to me, giving formula would have made me miserable (please note this is not me being anti formula, just how I would feel).

One day this weekend - can he be in charge for the day? How would he be with that? Could he just bring her to you for feeds? She must be able to go a couple of hours at this age - could you pop in adnd out?

Also, is this about actually wanting to leave her when it comes down to it? Or is it resentment that he can? That he drinks coffee, pops places, sleeps at night and you dont?

I have had pnd 3 times. At the moment (DS2) is 3 months old I am battling and winning. I resent DH deeply for even just watching tv in the evening without having a baby on him. For sleeping. For eating without jiggling a baby. For breathing

Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Honestly? And without blaming him in any way? I dont think your issue is him going out is it...its more about the fact that his life isnt changing. If you didnt have the baby you wouldnt mind? I doubt he realises just how hard it is to look after a baby all day...and how pnd can make you feel so desperate.

Are you getting treatment for your pnd? It really does get better

Bully for you classydiva, not EVERYONE finds looking after babies easy. Don't be so bloody judgemental

Classydiva WTF? Your babies slept all day at 4 months? That would not be good sign.

Classydiva - you have had 2 babies but have you ever had PND? Give the op a break.

YABU

please dont take this the wrong way, it is going to sound harsh but...........

you OH works hard, he has gone for a drink with his mates - why not?
the alternative is he comes home to a depressed wife who wont help herself by suplementing with formula -
i think there is a lot you can do to help yourself here.
Give him a break then maybe he will be happier and that will help your relationship

I can see why you would feel resentful.

However at around now, the 4 month mark, things usually start getting easier regarding feeding. Babies become a little more predictable with timings!

So why don't you plan an evening at a girlfriend's house for a cup of tea and some cake and mindless chatter or a DVD? Feed the baby, go out and I bet you'll be home again before she feeds again. Even if you only get out for 3 hours that's 3 hours "off".

Also start freezing and storing whatever you can express - before you know it you'll have enough for at least one feed and IME the more you express the easier it gets and the more you can pump. Pumping is a bit of an art I think, and unless you make a habit of it, it cna be tricky.

Does your DH really know how hard you're finding it? Some partners see you at home all day and assume you're finding it easy if you don't make it explicit to them that you're not. Spell it out to him and schedule some 'me time' into your week, even if it's just an hour at the gym or two hours with a friend for coffee.

So the only route out of PND is formula? What a stupid post And so unkind. Getting out of the house isn't the answer to everything. I imagine the OP wants to feel her partner really hears her, supports in the house more, let's her get some kip. I would suggest some kind of talking therapy, can be a real help. The only thing that completely changed my DHs view of how hard it was to be at home, was when we swapped roles for a year - his eyes were so opened .
You've completely lost your old life - funny how a man's entitlement just carries on as before.

So the only route out of PND is formula? What a stupid post And so unkind. Getting out of the house isn't the answer to everything. I imagine the OP wants to feel her partner really hears her, supports in the house more, let's her get some kip. I would suggest some kind of talking therapy, can be a real help. The only thing that completely changed my DHs view of how hard it was to be at home, was when we swapped roles for a year - his eyes were so opened .
You've completely lost your old life - funny how a man's entitlement just carries on as before.

I don't understand why formula is somehow the answer here. It's PND which is getting the OP down, not BFing.

The OP feels that she cannot go out. If she wasn't suffering from PND I think that she'd see that she could. This is a psychological issue rather than a practical one. A child this age can be left for an hour or so with her dad between feeds.

The OP could also go out with her DD a great deal more.

If OP is too depressed to leave the house with or without her daughter then I doubt that her chosen method of feeding is somehow the root cause.

I think what might be a good idea -for DH's next day off - is to, as soon as you have finished feeding your baby, go out for a couple of hours. Even if it is just for a walk or a coffee.

It does get easier. Try not to be too hard on DH as it is very hard to understand just how difficult PND is for a new mum.

I can see your point but I think YABU.

I'm sorry you're struggling but your dh is still entitled to a bit of free time after work. As for the breastfeeding - it only works if YOU are happy with how things are at the moment. Yes you are tied to your baby at the moment but that won't last forever. I was quite happy to not go out for a while and sit and watch tv/relax in the evenings.

How often is your baby feeding? Would it be possible for you to pop out for an hour or two during the evening between feeds? If you're not happy EBF then don't be a martyr. You could do a few bottles of formula as people have suggested.

Can you do more in the daytime with the baby? You don't have to sit in the flat all day. Are you confident about feeding in public? You can always feed under a blanket etc, people won't see a thing. Then you can get out and about more. Go for a walk, meet a friend for a coffee, lunch etc, go to the library, look round the shops etc. Find out about mother and baby groups in your area, maybe try your local NCT. I bet if you were out a bit more in the daytime you would feel you've 'done' something.

Don't blame dh. Maybe he feels a bit pressurised to get in at 6.30 every night...?

at classydiva
Judgemental much?

Classydiva you have the empathy skills of someone with no empathy skills.

dancergirl - I dont think she resents her DH's free time in general...just at this period in time? She can't (or feels she can't) go out and therefore resents his life continuing?

Personally I think they are a partnership. If she is struggling and feeling she has to be in with the baby (which to a certain extent she does have to be with the baby most of the time) then he can come home after work. He has already been away from the baby all day long - he will have snatched lots of small times to himself which will add up.

I work full time by the way - it is a million times easier than being at home with a baby all day and 10 trillion times easier than being at home with a baby when you have pnd.

Her life is restricted at the moment - i dont see why his shouldnt be either. Or alternatively she gets time to herself on the weekends

Where can I get one of these 'easy' babies that sleep all day? Anyone?

Hope you're ok Little Amy, if you're anywhere near Christchurch in Dorset give me a shout, my DD is 4 months old too so would be happy to meet up/share woes.

"Where can I get one of these 'easy' babies that sleep all day? Anyone?" John Lewis? In the toy department. They are normally called "Baby Anabelle" or "Tiny Tears".

OP I understand exactly how you feel and I would've been really pissed off too. In fact I would have sent the text with the few choice words!
I didn't get PND but I do have issues generally with coping with life (too long a story for here) and found spending all day every day with DS harder than I could have ever imagined. I clockwatched at struggled if DH was even 30 mins late. It's horrible. In fact today I've struggled, and DS is 13 months and I'm back at work! We're both a bit poorly so stuck at home not able to see anybody as we're infectious, and DH has gone on a (pre-planned and tickets-bought) night out.

From memory I only went out in the evening a handful of times by the time DS was four months old. We expressed form day one due to BF issues so that wasn't a problem so I'm not sure why. But, I did loads during the day. I spent a lot of time at my local childrens centre and met alot of other mums in the same position as me. That social group is what kept me sane! On days (like today) when I couldn;t see anyone else for what ever reason I still found it really hard, but most days I had something to do.

I feel very very lucky that my DH accepts that I am as needy as I am (and I say needy as I don't think I'm fair alot of the time but that is part of my bigger problem). So he wouldn't do what your DH did today but only because he knows exactly what the score is. I have told my DH is very clear terms why I need him here, and if he is going out why I need to know way in advance, and why I may call him home halfway through the evening. He'd love it if the situation was different, but accepts that it isn;t right now.

So, the crux of my post is; get out in the day, meet people by whatever means there are in your area so you have adult contact. Get a good pump and start trying to express, it may get easier and as someone else has said even if you get a tiny amount every day it will add up. Or give formula (but not if you're going to hate yourself for it). And explain to your DP exactly why what he has done has upset you. The way you feel is not odd, it's just the way it is right now.

And classydiva I am thankful every day that I am not a single parent, as no I don't think looking after your own child is a chore, but for some of us it is bloody bloody hard. That doesn't make us bad people, it's just the way it is.