To be annoyed at this mum?

[wintersnow]

DD is in yr 1 and since she started school been in a friendship group of four girls. One of the girls is badly behaved, she tells DD she doesn't want to be her friend anymore, tells the other girls not to talk to her and has pushed & bitten her. She does this to the other girls too, not just DD. We went into the school quite a few times about the other girl's behaviour last year as DD was getting so upset and were told they were aware of the child's behavioural issues and were all 'helping' her to adapt.
Today DD came home saying the girl had pinched her and they'd ended up having a fight DD said they were both fighting but that the other girl had started it.
DD had approached the girls mum after school (DH was picking DD up and didn't see this) to tell her that her daughter had pinched her which the daughter denied, another girl then went over and confirmed DD's story.
The mum then called me to say she knows her daughter is no angel but that her daughter had been very upset by my DD and the other girl ganging up on her and that she'd spoken to the teacher and it wasn't all her daughters fault, mine was just as much to blame.
She expects me to now tell my DD off for 'ganging up' on her DD, am not sure how to deal with this as DD was only doing what we have aways taught her to do - tell an adult, aibu?

Good on your DD to be so brave and tell the Mum. It must have taken guts. I wouldn't tell her off for that!

Ignore Ignore Ignore

I sympathise totally as my DD went through similar, but they'll probably end up being mates - mine did

Think oh piss off to yourself and ignore the woman, this is how things get blown out of proportion.

i would ignore her, but i would also tell your DD to stop telling tales.

i presume school dealt with it at the time?

i have to say that i wouldn't be impressed if a 5/6 yr old came up to me to inform me of whatever bad thing my child had done during the day.

Ignore it.

I was thinking exactly that thisis, if a 6 yo had come up to me trying to grass DD1 up and get her into trouble I would have been a bit

The girls behaviour does sound a bit OTT, but this is a case of children being children, apart from the biting, it's mostly 'well if you're going to be friends with her I'm not going to be your friend', you've just got to make sure you don't start behaving like they do and getting too involved in passing playground politics.

Well if her daughter is a bit of a bully she isn't really in a position to tell you how to parent your DD. Your DD did the right thing by telling an adult and the other little girl also did the right thing- lots of people, not just children, turn a blind eye to bullying.

Stupid woman, no wonder the daughter is a nightmare

Who bullying who saffy? The OP doesn't like the way the girl is behaving (understandably), but the girls mum is starting to feel like the class is ganging up on her daughter.

You might think 'well, it serves her right, she should be told by all the others it's unacceptable' but if she is having trouble at school, isolating her isn't really the way to go.

This is all so petty. 5/6 yr old girls squabbling and mums getting involved.

You've got years of this to come. Keep your distance unless it is genuinely nasty/disruptive stuff going on.

Well, the other mum has probably been told about her daughter's behaviour in the past.

But what she really needed was your daughter and chum telling her what her dd had been up to...

I'm not surprised she felt bad and spoke to the teacher.

Here's the thing. 5/6 year olds are social butterflies (this is fairly healthy) and they will fall out with each other. Girls in friendship groups are notoriously famous for this.

They have to learn for themselves. Keep out of it.

I agree with the posters who say ignore. I agree your DD should tell a teacher/adult whos there at the time but once its been dealt with telling other adults is tales.

I actually apologised to a parent whos ear my DS had pulled last week (they are firends) and her and the parent with her laughed and said 'oh well its what they do'. I just wanted them to know I'd aknowledged it instead of spending 2 hours in their company as if it hadn't happened - turns out she knew nothing as her DS hadn't mentioned it

They're 5/6 year old girls, what's your excuse?!
I would really let them find thier own way, they'll probably be thick as thieves again next week!

Option a) ignore completely and tell your dd that she should speak to you or the teacher in future

Option b) give this mum chapter and verse about what has been going on at school to explain why your dd felt she needed to say something

Really depends if you think this will blow over or if you think that this is going to rumble on.

TBH while I agree that it is best to leave them to it for most everyday silliness and squabbles, this sounds like a bit more than that so it might be better to have a proper chat with the mum, so long as you can trust yourself to keep it friendly.

Can't you remember being a child and there was always at least 1 naughty/spiteful/bullying kid in each class and their parents would never hear a bad word about them?
Just make sure it's the other Mum who can't hear a bad word about their own kid and not you.
Is it possible that your well behaved child is trading on the fact that the other girl has a bad reputation?
Pinching is not on, but retaliating so it leads to a fight IS just as bad.
You can only work on your own DDs behaviour and if the other girl is going to try to wind her up, pick on her, bully her your dd needs to know how to handle that without ending up in a fight.
Fighting is not on, no matter who started it. I hope you had words with your usually well behaved dd about her poor behaviour.

ok bullying is the wrong word calm down. I'll rephrase if that's ok? "If this mum's DD is badly behaved to other children she is in no position to judge other people's parenting." Is that better agent?

This little girl sounds spiteful, if she's feeling ganged up on, maybe it means other children find her behaviour unacceptable and are letting her know, which can't be a bad thing can it? really? Maybe OP's DD was "telling tales" but isn't that what we are meant to tell our kids to do if they ever feel they have been bullied? To tell an adult and don't be scared that you're telling tales.

I don't recon there's any need for the face or inviting me to calm down saffy, my post was very polite I thought.

I see what you're saying that the girl should be made aware of how her behaviour affects other children, but I would use the word bullying in this instance, and don't think bullying should be met with yet more bullying behaviour.

I have always told DD to tell an adult if someone upsets her, I think this is important.

She is 5 years old and prob didn't realise the girls mum wasn't the best person to tell, ... I have told her in future to either tell a teacher or me & DH.

But how is the OP's DD bullying back? Children fight, they should both be getting a telling off for that, but telling the girl's mum isn't bullying I would have thought and they are very young children so haven't quite learnt the best way to deal with people yet, it's learnt along the way. Op's DD thought she should tell an adult, for whatever reason sge chose to tell the girl's mum (I wouldn't have had the balls personally) the girl's mum is taking it as a personal attack, which I can kind of understand but in an ideal world she'd look at the bigger picture.

It seems to be the girl's mum's perception of the "ganging up" of her DD- the mum's only heard her DD's side of it same way OP's only heard her DD's version of events, both could be totally wrong. My DD (3) got into a vicious catfight with her "very best friend" a few months ago and had deep bloody scratches down her face from the fight. If I hadn't heard what actually happened from the nursery nurse that broke it up I'd possibly assume the other child started it (I've never seen my DD fight with anyone) but I know that whoever did start it (no one is quite sure) DD was equally bad as she ripped a clump of the other girls hair out.

That's what I mean OP she simply told the wrong person. She'll know better next time (hopefully there wont be a next time obviously).

wintersnow i agree it's important for them to let someone know if they are upset

but AT THE TIME. did she tell her teacher during school? and did she deal with it?

the fact is, they were BOTH fighting. how would you have felt if the other little girl had come up and said "your dd was fighting me today" etc etc?

i would view it as the child trying to get my child into trouble, and that isn't very nice. not saying that was your daughter's intention, but that is how it could be viewed

so yes ,she does need to tell the teacher if someone is unkind to her/hurts her, rather than fighting back. and the teacher does need to deal with it.
you need to assess whether this is happening and speak to the teacher if it carries on

OP: I hope you also teach her that 2 wrongs don't make a right. The other girl pinched her and then your DD retaliated. Both are wrong. Equally.
I would be asking dd why the other girl had pinched her in the first place.
If your dd was perfectly innocent and hadn't taken matters into her own hands by fighting then telling the other girl's Mum is a very brave and perfectly OK thing to do.
Having had a fight with the other girl and then telling the Mum that it was all the other girls fault is certainly not a nice thing to do.

'but i would also tell your DD to stop telling tales.'

I doubt it's really telling tales - when you're in Y1, things are pretty black and white - particularly rules. If OP's DD has been told to tell a grown up, then she's trying to do what she thinks she's supposed to. She'll learn a bit later to modify it a bit.