To be annoyed at this mum?

[wintersnow]

DD is in yr 1 and since she started school been in a friendship group of four girls. One of the girls is badly behaved, she tells DD she doesn't want to be her friend anymore, tells the other girls not to talk to her and has pushed & bitten her. She does this to the other girls too, not just DD. We went into the school quite a few times about the other girl's behaviour last year as DD was getting so upset and were told they were aware of the child's behavioural issues and were all 'helping' her to adapt.
Today DD came home saying the girl had pinched her and they'd ended up having a fight DD said they were both fighting but that the other girl had started it.
DD had approached the girls mum after school (DH was picking DD up and didn't see this) to tell her that her daughter had pinched her which the daughter denied, another girl then went over and confirmed DD's story.
The mum then called me to say she knows her daughter is no angel but that her daughter had been very upset by my DD and the other girl ganging up on her and that she'd spoken to the teacher and it wasn't all her daughters fault, mine was just as much to blame.
She expects me to now tell my DD off for 'ganging up' on her DD, am not sure how to deal with this as DD was only doing what we have aways taught her to do - tell an adult, aibu?

I would tell your dd to tell the teacher/teaching assistant if anything else happens and of course yourself. Definately not the other parent, however well meaning her intentions.
Hopefully they will make friends or find new friends in the future. I know it must be very stressful for you too.

Yep! Kids of that age tell tales all the time.

Not because they're morally defunct, but because it's what they all do .. what we did, too. It's a sign of healthy development.

You've got to take it all with a pinch of salt. We all know our kids well enough to know when and if there's a real problem.

And in the great scheme of things, this ain't a problem.

I've had dd's friend's mum try to "talk" to me about some of the squabbles they've had (and I mean squabbles- nothing physical or nasty) I smile politely and say I'm not really willing to get involved in the intricate friendships of 6yo's. This same girl has had dd coming home from school in floods of tears on occasion, but I prefer to talk to dd about it, about how she can handle it (while keeping me abreast of latest developments, naturally!) but I don't get involved with the other mum- that way madness lies, IMO! You are both hearing a different side of the story, and while you fall out with the other mum about it, the kids will have made up and suddenly be "BFF" Until the next fall-out.

I find "oh, did she?" and "well, we'll certainly have a chat about it" useful phrases for the other mum- ie you will speak to your dd and get her side, NOT that you will chastise her based on the other mum's say-so

I disagree with a lot of the posts so far, I think that telling the girls Mum was an OK thing to do. Telling the little girls Mum is a natural & normal thing to do as children will see someones Mum as the person who should tell her off for being naughty. If she gets told not to tell the childs Mum and she's playing at their house - then she's going to be hesitant about telling the childs Mum isn't she... she should feel happy to tell any adult when she has been hurt - don't start making 'rules' around it, otherwise then she's likely to stop telling any adult 'in case she gets it wrong again'.

good for your DD trying to tell the Mum about the pinching. I don't think it's telling tales - it's standing up your herself. I would want my child to speak up if he was being bullied, hurt etc.. - I'd hate to think of him suffering in silence. Please don't tell her off for speaking up but do explain that fighting is a no no and she should just walk away.

Agree with Jooly - a "how was your day?" on the way home can be really helpful for DD to get it all out of her system. I give her vocab too, like "so and so was manipulative" and explain what it means. Then we talk about strategies for handling it all. Sometimes I have felt surprisingly angry with 6 year old children. As for getting down to the nitty gritty with other parents, "that way madness lies" for sure!