To be fed up with my friend

[SushiForSushi]

A long story short, I am a SAHM, but DH is on a good wage. I got a friend that never pays for herself. Every time we go out with our DCs, or on a girlie night, it is always me picking up the bill. I did not mind it till recently, but lately it is getting to me. The thing is, she is a single mum, lives in a small flat and I am really feeling guilty for not willing to pay for everything anymore though I can easily afford it. So WWYD in this situation?

tell her to fugger off.simple.dont let her make you feel bad about it!

that's dreadful

And you CAN say you can't afford it. Unless she knows the details of all your ingoings and outgoings then she can't argue with that. "Can't afford" something doesn't have to mean paying it would see you on the streets. I can't afford a new car, technically I hvae the money but it is for other stuff! I can't afford to shop in Waitrose 3x a week (and that's even ignoring the fact it's 40 miles away), only because I choose to send my DCs to nursery!

This is out of order. She is definitely taking the piss and I say that with certainty after reading your follow-up posts. I have a friend who did this to me. For example, I'd drive her places and go into a petrol station and ask casually (like you do) if she wanted anything, and she'd always ask me to pick up her cigarettes or something and would never offer the money for them. I'd ask the next day or whenever we were next in contact and she huff and puff over it and I'd never usually be paid back. These people are freeloaders and will not stop unless their supply is cut off. They have no morals or shame about this kind of thing, so you have to be direct with them.

Actually, you can tell her you can't afford it. Just because she knows you have the money doesn't mean it's not earmarked for something - a new carpet, new bathroom, savings for school fees etc. It's not her business what you're planning on doing with your money or just tell her your DH works for you and your family, not all your friends too.

YANBU.

I don't think anyone should do anything for someone else unless it is with good grace and in this case you are not in the wrong. £100 for 2 meals??

she would huff and puff I meant!

NeverEat, this is just like her! She did complain once because I had to stop for petrol, because "You had known we are going out and should have filled the tank before and now waisting the time". It looks awful written down :( shame I am a spineless idiot

It really is bad, and it always plays on my mind afterwards, but I'm spineless as well (though I don't think we're idiots, I think we're just too nice! Or so I like to think!) so I never say anything past the first complaint. I wouldn't put it past my friend to say something like the wasting time comment either. They seem to be another breed of human.

Wow OP sorry to use harsh language but she sounds like an utter shit! You must be a saint to put up with her. There was a time when I would be a bit shy about money but nowadays I'm very straightforward about it and if someone owes me something I'll remind them until I get it back. Real friends think nothing of it and are actually happy that you've reminded them.

I am in utter that someone would invite you out to dinner and then hand you the bill! In your shoes I'd slowly drop the friendship and I would definitely never go out socially with her again. The cheek!

I had a friend similar to this a few years back, although not as bad.

It takes a while to really see the situation for what it is. After a few years of it (not as obvious, although looking back at times still a little shocking) I realised that I didn't like her because of it and left it there (easy to do in my situation because I also moved away!). Since then I am much quicker to spot the traits I don't much like in a 'friend' and move on.

As for what to do I would start (assuming you still like her!) chosing free or cheap places to visit together and completely avoid the meals out together. If you do still go out with her suggest that you pay your share, even though it is 'her turn' as last time you were treating her or wtte.

Thanks for your support! I could not answer each post, but really appreciate all the ideas. Just need to grow a spine I guess. Grr! Wish I knew how...

Christ, I'm shocked! I'm a single parent but would NEVER expect someone to pay for a meal for me - if I can't afford to go out I wouldn't go. She's taking the piss love.

As for taking her home from school, does she live near you or is it out of your way? If the latter, I'd knock that on the head too. Tell her you're taking the kids somewhere after school (grandparents, shopping for shoes, anything) and that you can't take her. Then don't ask her again. If she asks why just say, "sorry but I'm fed up of being taken for a mug". Simples.

Sushi It sounds really daft but try practising in front of a mirror.

Imagine the various comments she could say and then rehearse into the mirror all the different ways to say no.

I hate confrontation and arguing and I know that if I rehearse what I have to say beforehand it really helps.

Btw, I really like the suggestion to say to her "Who's going to pay?". It puts the onus on her to be upfront about her freeloading; then you can point out that you can't afford it and the best bit is that you don't have to explain why.
If she has the cheek to ask, you could always say "I'm suprised you feel comfortable asking me that". It's great for making nosy people feel properly embarrassed

Just to agree with everyone who says she is a freeloader.

It doesn't matter if you can afford it - that's not the point. Someone take take taking all the time is NOT a true friend. She is taking advantage of your kind nature.

Avoid spending time with her because she won't change.

The cheek of some people!

You were not being unreasonable to pay up on that occasion (the dinner), but to be honest, that should the last time.

Friendships are often a series of unequal transactions: each person "over-" or "under-pays" in sequence, with the friends taking it in turn to be "in debt" to one another; and "payments" are often made in different currencies (e.g. I drive somewhere, a friend buys me coffee/lunch; someone babysits, I do the shopping for someone, etc.).

What is your transaction with this woman? If she takes and expects you to spend loads of money on her, how does she show her appreciation for you? Is she a good guest (thank yous, makes real effort to be amusing at dinner parties); does she babysit? Or does she just pick the most expensive restaurant and hand you the bill?

If you are feeling scared about telling her the bill business has to stop or be scaled down (but - no matter what - be agreed beforehand), just remember that if she strops off too badly, you won't have to face her again until she's apologised! (if she strops, she should be far too ashamed to face you again without an apology).

So you will be off the hook - one way or the other - as soon as you talk to her about this.

P.S. If she's sorrowful, "wanting to spend time with you, but not able to afford to go out to dinner unless you pay", there are plenty of home-packed, cheapie-cafe and home-hosted options. You can also counter with the fact that you felt hurt when she picked the expensive place and handed you the bill. Doesn't she like you for yourself? . Don't let her reflect your own pain as hers!

She sounds awful. She should have chosen a birthday event equivalent to her means. So if that's a girly night in with a bottle of cheap plonk and a takeaway then that's what she should do. It's completely unacceptable to choose activities or treats according to your friend's wealth and then expect to be paid for

Oops. "that should be the last time". By not being unreasonable, I meant that it would have been an expensive lesson for her kids, to have dropped her in it at that point. I know you're impatient to get on with solving this problem, but you definitely did the right thing by paying one last time.

Let me guess, does she offer you a tenner for petrol for the after school lift every now and again? Does she pick your children up as well as her own to return the favour? Probably not.

As someone else has said, this person is taking advantage of your niceness but you do need to stand up for yourself. As for 'how'? Just limit the social occasions and ask for something back for the endless lifts (money, exchange, whatever). If she starts to huff and puff, you know she doesn't want an equal relationship, and so i would stop offering altogether.

That's not to say I haven't accepted the odd dinner in the two years out of the last twenty or so when i was poor. But I always said to friends 'I haven't got much money right now, shall we go cheap and cheerful or you can come round to mine?' I think frank chats are the only way forward if one of you is a bit strapped for cash. She's not a very good friend...

She is no friend of yours.

She is a freeloading, cheeky bitch who is out for what she can get.

It's actually very insulting to you. It's like she is saying you need to pay for friendship

Well you don't. I would dump her personally but if you feel you can't, just tell her you cannot afford to pay her way.

This woman is not your friend! YANBU, of course. If she treats you like this, then she is not a nice person; it's really as simple as that. Disparity in income is no excuse whatsoeve. One of my oldest friends is a SAHM whose DH earns five times what my DP earns, but I would never dream of assuming she was going to pick up the tab for an outing. On some occasions she has insisted on paying for a meal, and I've been very grateful, but most times I see her, one of us will cook lunch for the other. I love cooking for people and would rather that than go to a restaurant, personally. If your freeloading 'friend' wanted to spend time with you, rather than just looking for a free lunch, then she could make you lunch at her home, or at your home, or pay for you to go out for coffee. Any of these would be showing willing, and that she wants to give something back.

Stop letting her take advantage of you!

It's wrong of her on so many levels, am angry on your behalf now.

It's rude, it implys she doesn't value your money, as if its easy come, easy go. Your dh works damn hard for a good salary and yet she seems to think its hers by extension. For all she knows you could have debts, or massive saving commitments or any amount of roads for that salary to go.

My aunt is pretty skint and mum is not, so her and dad treat her a lot. But mum also gets teed off with aunt. When they go abroad aunt tries her best to spend nothing and I mean nothing. Its like she scrimps and lets mum spend for both so she can go home with all her spending money.

Bleurgh!

sorry, implies

She is a friend how? Money always seems to cause issues. For some reason I always remember people who don't pay their dues.

I used to go on holiday with a friend and her two DDs, my DD and her eldest DDs friend. It alway meant we had to get a three bed cottage, one for me and my DD, one for her and her youngest DD and one for her eldest DD and friend. It used to bug me that she never offered to pay more than half the cottage rental despite her taking up two of the rooms, and when we went out for meals, we would split the bill, despite her having money from the friend's parents to cover such costs. We used to give the children money for sweets/ice creams etc on alternate days. I remember one day she offered to pay the ice cream money two days in a row, and her eldest DD piped up with "But you paid yesterday Mum". My friend did have the good grace to point out that she had three charges and I only had the one, but that was a very rare occurrence.

It is nice to be generous if you can afford it, but not to be taken advantage of. Try to do things that are free with her in the future.