To be fed up with my friend

[SushiForSushi]

A long story short, I am a SAHM, but DH is on a good wage. I got a friend that never pays for herself. Every time we go out with our DCs, or on a girlie night, it is always me picking up the bill. I did not mind it till recently, but lately it is getting to me. The thing is, she is a single mum, lives in a small flat and I am really feeling guilty for not willing to pay for everything anymore though I can easily afford it. So WWYD in this situation?

[FakePlasticTrees]

What a cheeky mare!

Tell her you're skint. Or make some vage comment about rumours of redundancies at your DH's work so you're cutting back spending to the bare essentials to build up savings "just in case". If she is a real friend, she'll start wanting to do free stuff/cheap stuff.

Oh, and I agree with the person up thread who said have grandparents to visit/shopping to do in the other direction etc after school to stop giving her lifts.

[plupervert]

I went out recently with a friend and her two, to a free activity. I drove (she has no car at the mo), and we packed lunches. She bought me coffee and her DCs' presence kept mine motivated.

I think it was a model outing, and was very pleased with it (and I hope she was, too!). That's more the sort of thing you should be hoping for. Hope you manage it sometime soon, with this woman or with someone else nicer!

[Opinionatedfreak]

I have friends for whom money is an issue. They always insist on going somewhere cheap and cheerful or offer to cook or host a takeaway night.

I lost a friend a few years ago as they always insisted we went somewhere expensive for lunch/ dinner and then left me to pick up the bill (I was working at the time and they weren't).

I didn't really mind treating them it was the fact that they always refused to go somewhere cheaper, manouevered us into the expensive place and then expected me to pay for two people.

I think you have two options either call them on it (which will be hard) or decide to 'lose' the friendship.

[plupervert]

Gosh, Opinionatedfreak, that must have been really awkward, and sad for you to realise what was going on.

[SushiForSushi]

Thank you ladies! I was reading your replies and I am slowly building up the courage to stand up for myself. Not sure it will go down well with my friend LOL.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

You should NOT feel guilty - after all it is not YOUR fault that she is a single Mum in a small flat.

THe birthday thing is outrageous - she needs to cut her coat according to her cloth, not expect her friend to support a lifestyle she cannot afford!!

The odd coffee/lunch/ - fine, expensive meals that SHE initiates, not fine!

[barelyutterly]

Too bad for her if it doesn't go down well! I suppose any child who is told she can't have her own way anymore would be upset about that.

Don't make up excuses why you can't pay, just come right out and say "frankly you are taking advantage of me and I'm not going to let you do that anymore". She is more likely to be momentarily speechless (though then might stomp off in a huff) than to shout at you.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them. Sadly though you can probably kiss this "friendship" goodbye as she will quickly get bored of you not paying her way anymore and go find another poor sucker friend to exploit. Personally I would see that as a silver lining but you might not.

What you have to ask yourself is, why were you letting her take advantage of you like that? Because if you've been unconsciously "buying" her friendship, you might feel very hurt if she dumps you. Users are good at manipulating their victims' feelings and insecurities that way. So be prepared for that, and find strength within yourself to get past it. Real friends aren't the kind who charge for their services, so make a point of spending your time with more of those kind!

[coodles]

I have a friend in a similar situation to yours, single parent, rents her home and not much money.

I often offer to buy us lunch as I work and can easily pay and enjoy seeing her. She will invite us over for nice meals and give us home made presents.

I never feel I'm taken advantage of and when I was ill recently, she was a true friend.

Think this woman is using you as her cash point - a real friend would never land you with such a huge bill for lunch!

[SkyBluePearl]

tell her you are on an economy drive as yu are skint - and maybe you could go for a nice walk together.

[anonacfr]

And as her personal chauffeur too. Are you driving her home every day as well?

[ApocalypseCheese]

I have a friend like this, i'm by no means loaded but she's a single mum on benefits and don't I bloody know it.

Can't afford to feed her kids decent food but can afford fags, can't afford to buy them clothes but she's always well dressed, NEVER pays back, ave had enough, the food parcels stop, as do my daughters old clothes getting handed over, she just expects it now, she's getting ignored slowly but surely, I suggest you do the same.

[didgeridoo]

YANBU, Sushi. Your dh might be on a good wage but he doesn't go to work every day to fund your friend's lifestyle. I have a number of friends who have loads more money than us but I wouldn't dream of sponging off them (which is what this is). I wouldn't want to give the impression I was only their friend because they have money.

Keep saying no to her requests,she'll get the message eventually.

[plupervert]

So, how has she taken it?! I am agog.

[MsKalo]

What a shit friend she is! and she is so contemptuous of you - making you pay for her bday meal! I am almost speechless! She is not a friend. Don't let her treat you like this!

[ChippingIn]

Sushi - what do you get out of this relationship?

[Amanderrr]

It takes some kind of nerve to choose a restaurant, invite someone along and then hand them the bill doesn't it!

I notice the OP was written on Thursday. So, have there been any developments in the last four days?

In your position, for a while at least, I'd only ever meet her for coffee and at the counter just order for DC and myself. If she said something along the lines of "And I'll have blah blah blah" I'd say "Oh, sorry. I only have £5 or £6 on me". It shouldn't take more than a couple of trips to Starbucks for her to figure out she's been rumbled.

She'll either realise that you've paid far more than your fair share and take it with good grace or find herself a new friend to foot the bills.

[onmyfeet]

Next time she extends an invitation perhaps you could reply A."Oh, not sure,rather broke at the moment, is it your turn to treat?" or B. "Sorry, so and so is treating me to lunch that day." or C." That is quite expensive, can you afford it?"
If she says she can't afford to treat you, say, well perhaps another time then.

Or perhaps you can go with cash for yourself and leave your cards at home. That seems best to me. If the waiter asks if it is one bill, quickly say separate checks please?