Is my H being a knob?

[dracschick]

I am rather pissed off so I think my opinion may be skewed.

In a nutshell- 3 ds -h has always favoured middle ds -its a well known fact the other 2 know it Grandparents know it even new friends see it straight away.

We live with it.

Its not nice there being one rule for one ds and ds2 getting a different (more relaxed) rule and of course ds1 resents it (ds1 is 17) fortunately I am or thought I was close to all 3 ds.....however ds2 recently has a gf (hes 15) shes 13 .....(im not overly happy about this not the girl cos ive never met her but I think what a 15 year old boy finds in a relationship might be very different from what a 13 year old girl is emotionally ready for),anyway this is the point of my AIBU.....DS2 has M.E and as a result can become quite poorly (its always me that copes with this) so over the past few months we had been working at him resting more so he can get to school more hes doing GCSE's.

Dh is allowing him to visit the girls house several times a week and for hours and hours at the weekend.....she doesnt live nearby he needs driving there or on occasion he catches a bus....he is very moody I attribute that to his everlasting tiredness but its not just that the hours he spends out are not helping his health.

Ds1 was encouraged to stay in and study at this stage......ds2 well hes his own boss.

I cannot parent properly if H is constantly undermining me.

Whats brought on this lengthy post is yesterday ds couldnt find something he wanted for school and threw loads of stuff around and was shouting at me ......I told h later about this (he was still in bed)and he said he didnt hear anything.....i said as a result he wasnt to go to gfs house today after school,turns out ds2 told his Dad it was me who started shouting and mentioned some things Id said that were untrue and h is claiming to have heard them....(he couldnt i didnt say them,and what man would lie in bed knowing his 15 year old son was ranting at his mum?).....so Ds is going to his gfs after school with no punishments and im shit over again.

DS1 and 3 are fed up of this.

H isnt working much at the mo but isnt helping in the home and continues to behave like Lord and Master.

And hes said that if we split up hes taking ds2 with him.

I don't think you are doing yourself or your shildren any favours by continuing to live in that situation. It's very damaging to your children to see their parents like this and remember that your sons will be learning how to parents and fathers from this man - very worrying!

The problem is that you actually seem quite content to keep living like that. Your DH evidently doesn't listen to a word you say so you can talk until you are blue in the face - it won't change anything. I think you have to step up to the plate, stand up for your kids and tell your DH that if he does not change, you and your children will leave him because it is unhealthy for them. Your DH needs that kind of kick up the butt to make him understand the seriousness of the situation.

If you refuse to do that then you KNOW that nothing will really change and, unfortunately, the blame for that may well fall on your shoulders as well as your husband's.

I would be interested in seeing whether your DS2's ME symptoms were at all linked with your DH's preferential treatment of him. The pressure of parental expectation and favouritism can be a heavy burden to carry to the unconscious. Illness can mitigate over-attention ... or at least justify it.

Conflugen Im not quite sure whether your post is helpful....I hope its me misinterpreting what you are saying.

Ds has m.e hes had it for a long time although because they had to rule everything out its taken a long time to get this diagnosis.

He is poorly.
He is suffering the aftermath of glandular fever repeatedly - H puts no strain on him whatsoever there is no worries for ds2 to perform or not- he is the golden boy.

As is common in AIBU and ive been here long enough to know this Im not getting upset so Im moving away from this thread.

Thanks those of you who have helped me see im not 'wrong'.

dracschick - I didn't mean to come across harshly. I have been diagnosed with an ME-type disease in the past; and it is only over the years that I have found that it flares up when I feel like I am not living a life that is mine, but rather living up to another person's expectations of me.

I think, perhaps, I was trying to see things from your DS2's point of view, in that he too might be feeling the fallout of this preferential treatment in his own way.

dracs, we are all, to a MNer, well and truly behind you. YOU are not wrong.

Even those of us that have been blunt, all of us are in agreement that your DH behaviour is unacceptable.

Conflugenglugen (FFS, could you pick a harder name??) could, just could have a small point. You don't have to accept it as gospel, but lodge it and at least entertain the idea that this misalignment of behaviour could have an impact.

ME is a funny bugger of a disease, and tbh, the above named poster (not attempting to type THAT again) has offered her opinion based on her experiences.

LMSF - thank you for helping me clarify what was obviously a rather grumpy first post on my part.

Conflugenglugen is as conflugenglugen sounds, i.e. "a bit of a mess" :)

LMHF (blush)

not (blush)

got it now, It's a real word?!

Lovely!!

I don't think it's real ... but it should be, imo. Sums a particular situation up perfectly! :)

all we have to do is USE it and it will become a proper word....

Dracs, you state your relationship with your son is fine for no. But, please be aware this may change when he is older and has his own children. It may hit home how unfair his father was and how he was never pulled on it.

I am not trying to cause further upset but am informing you of my own experiences to try to help.

Ds1 has come home and stated to his father exactly how he feels.

Watch this space (i know i know i said i wasnt comin' back}

Ds1 has written on a friends facebook who is due to have a baby .....someone has said youll be the best Mummy and hes said 'my mums the best' (hes said that knowing Im one of many supporting this girl - its funny really my parenting is being called into question a bit on here - I work supporting families and with teens )

I know someone who was in a similar position to your DS2 and the damage it did has lasted for years. One of his brothers was favoured by their dad and the hurt and anger still affects the family, despite all the brothers now being well into middle age and retirement.

I wish I had a solution that could help you show your DH what damage he's doing. If he can't see it himself then I don't know how you can make him see

I hope your parenting isn't being called into question, none of us know the whole story so all we can do is perhaps offer an opinion or alternative view which might be helpful or provoke thought. You've asked for help/support/advice questioning your abilities would be a low blow.

What has 'history' got to do with the situation now? Surely that is what needs addressing.
The damage your H is doing is happening now and the past can't excuse it.
If he won't change you have two choices. Put up with it or leave him.

dracs, your parenting has NOT been called into question, you have got the wrong end of the stick and are using it to fend off advice given to end this.

You can't allow this to happen, you have to do something. This is no reflection on you. You have recognised there is a serious problem. You have stated that it is obvious. You have said that your DH is cruel to your other DS. If you don't tackle and end this, by whatever means it takes, THEN you are part of it, and enabling it to continue. That is the worst that can be levelled at you.

That STILL is not calling your parenting into question, you are running yourself ragged trying to over come what damage your DH does. Fair dos to you, but you know this is all sticky plaster stuff.

You know what you have to do, you know what has to happen.

You are a great parent, but you know that there is a dreadful one hurting your sons. You have to stop that.

Stop covering for him, stop letting him get away with it.

Talk to his family and gang up on him if you have to.