Is my H being a knob?

[dracschick]

I am rather pissed off so I think my opinion may be skewed.

In a nutshell- 3 ds -h has always favoured middle ds -its a well known fact the other 2 know it Grandparents know it even new friends see it straight away.

We live with it.

Its not nice there being one rule for one ds and ds2 getting a different (more relaxed) rule and of course ds1 resents it (ds1 is 17) fortunately I am or thought I was close to all 3 ds.....however ds2 recently has a gf (hes 15) shes 13 .....(im not overly happy about this not the girl cos ive never met her but I think what a 15 year old boy finds in a relationship might be very different from what a 13 year old girl is emotionally ready for),anyway this is the point of my AIBU.....DS2 has M.E and as a result can become quite poorly (its always me that copes with this) so over the past few months we had been working at him resting more so he can get to school more hes doing GCSE's.

Dh is allowing him to visit the girls house several times a week and for hours and hours at the weekend.....she doesnt live nearby he needs driving there or on occasion he catches a bus....he is very moody I attribute that to his everlasting tiredness but its not just that the hours he spends out are not helping his health.

Ds1 was encouraged to stay in and study at this stage......ds2 well hes his own boss.

I cannot parent properly if H is constantly undermining me.

Whats brought on this lengthy post is yesterday ds couldnt find something he wanted for school and threw loads of stuff around and was shouting at me ......I told h later about this (he was still in bed)and he said he didnt hear anything.....i said as a result he wasnt to go to gfs house today after school,turns out ds2 told his Dad it was me who started shouting and mentioned some things Id said that were untrue and h is claiming to have heard them....(he couldnt i didnt say them,and what man would lie in bed knowing his 15 year old son was ranting at his mum?).....so Ds is going to his gfs after school with no punishments and im shit over again.

DS1 and 3 are fed up of this.

H isnt working much at the mo but isnt helping in the home and continues to behave like Lord and Master.

And hes said that if we split up hes taking ds2 with him.

In that case then, if I was in your position, it would be the end of the road for me with your H. It's not just a case of him undermining your parenting, he is making things up about you, not nice things at that, just to side with your DS and this re-inforces the divide between both "teams" in your house.

And he sounds a lazy arse too if he isn't bothering to look for work.

Does he have any friends he would listen to - who see what he is doing? Could you ask them to talk to him? (might listen to them more that his wife/Dad?).

I would say to tell him to fuck off - but I don't know how you make a grown man leave his own home if he's not physically abusing you :(

I think you're going to have to leave him, and tell him your reason is his poor parenting of DS2. Because it is poor parenting - he's actually letting your DS2 down really badly. I feel for your other two children - I really do - but actually they aren't being let off the rails in the same way.

H doesnt have friends.

Weird isnt it?.

Leaving him isnt an option but if he chose to leave me ........

Im just so peeved at his childish behaviour.

Like a poster further up, I can identify with your DS 1 & 3 becasue in my family, my older brother is god-like.

The saddest part for me is, that after years of playing second fiddle to him, I have quietly accepted the fact that I will never be "good enough" in my Mum's eyes. I am not angry, I didn't rebel, I am just sad and wonder where I went wrong. Logically I know it isn't me, it's her but these feelings don't go away (I am nearly 40). My Dad felt powerless to do anything about it and although I know he loves me and is proud of me, this never makes up for the lack of love from the other parent.

Please please make sure your 2 DSs get some help to deal with this horrible situation. Even if your DH leaves, they will still see that they arent favourite, that won't change unless your DH does and that doesn't sound like it will happen.

Dragschick, buy your DH this book

It changed our lives. Good luck

Ps, yes a misguided knob

The saddest thing about this is that it is going to fuck up a healthy adult sibling relationship between the boys. Twenty years down the line there'll be resentment from the others that DS2 was the favoured one - you come across it on MN threads so often, posters upset many years later because they knew a sibling was preferred and their self-esteem suffered as a result.

If your H is a hopeless case, all I can suggest is that you explain the whole score to your DS2. Spell it out in black and white - how unfair things are for you in terms of trying to be a consistent parent, how unfair it is for his brothers, what you think is going on in your H's head re the ME, how this will affect the future. If you get him to change, your H will be wasting his time with the game-playing.

Out of interest - Have you spoken to the girl friend's parents?

I was going to post similar to Hassled. Does H have siblings he is close to, could they talk to him from a grown-up siblng point of view.

Are there opportunities for you and DSs to do things together that doesn't inlcude H? All I can think, apart from leaving him which you've said isn't an option, is to do everything you can to build a strong bond between DSs.

Oh, and have you sat your 3 boys down and talked to them...and perhaps, set some firm ground rules

"Leaving him isnt an option"

Yes it is. Not an easy option, definitely. Not the best option, maybe (depends on a lot of things). Clearly not a desirable option for you. But it's hard to imagine a set of circumstances so extreme that it isn't possible.

Just sayin'.

get the book limara suggested, although it does sound like your H won't take any advice in, it's worth a try. He needs for it to transmit that he is destroying the family bonds by behaving like such a petty child himself

Dracschick, I know it hurt when Custy said about you both FFing up your son, and I know it's not what you want to happen, but by allowing this to continue, you are still a part of this.

Fast forward 10 years, can you see how badly the family will be fractured by this? The boys will all be gone, 2 of them will probably not be overly bothered to come back and check on their parents, and the middle one will be in a heck of a mess because he's had an almighty shock in realising that the world doesn't revolve around him. It could result in alcohol, drugs or whatever.

You need to get H on his own and read him the riot act. This is the end of the year, and this bullshit can not continue into 2011.

Your entire family are painfully aware of this favouritism, everyone knows it, the worst thing is the the other boys know it. That for me would be a deal breaker.

H needs to get himself out to work. NOW.

H needs to have no part whatsoever in the discipline of the boys until he can show fairness and unbiased treatment. He can suggest a course of action, but it will be taken under advisement.

There needs to be a family meeting at some point, where the boys are clearly told by both of you that they are loved and adored by both of you and that from now on, things will be fairer.

You will have to say to DS2 that he may find it hard to adjust, but that in the long run, it will be better for him and for his brothers.

DS1 & 2 must have a means of communicating objections to any percieved unfairness. They have to be heard. They must have a voice. How on earth can they possible grow into men that will lead, men that will head a family if they are forever taught that they are not as important as another member of family.

What your H is doing is akin to abuse, he is being emotionally neglectful.

Ultimately it needs to be common knowledge that unless H can pull this off, he will need to live elsewhere. He is not contributing to the home, he is not doing his fair share, he is undermining you and damaging your boys. You know that your IL would support you in this, you know that you could ask them to put H up until he is ready to be a proper parent. You need to tell H that him leaving IS very much on the table.

You will be creating MASSIVE problems for you and your boys if you don't stop this inequality right now.

it is that serious.

This is a really sad situation. My DH has a similiar one were his younger brother was always preferred by his mum. This has had an awful effect on him and still does although he does have a reasonable reltionship with his brother if thats any consolation.
I am sorrY to be harsh on you here but you must shoulder some of the blame for allowing the situation to continue for so long. This will be damaging to all 3 of your children and considering their ages it is probably too late to avoid a lot of the damage.
The only thing I can think of is that you and your husband should go get some help in how to parent your children. Obviously you are not able to get through to your husband and you should go to some type of expert were the 2 of you can sit down and discuss what your problems are with each others approaches and come up with a common one. Having a neutral party there will hopefully help you do this. Even if you split you need to do this as you will still need to parent together.
You need to make you husband see that for the sake of all three children you should do this. Don't accuse him just say that a solution has to be found.
I hope for the boys sake it is not too late although I fear it might be.

Jeez! Why are MN'ers always so quick to suggest someone leaves their OH.

How on earth will leaving him help solve OP's problems??

Will DH stop? No. He'll probably just continue to spoil DS2 even more. If he only bothers to fight for one child, that will amplify the problem tenfold.

Add on top of that OP will probably be worse off financially (usually its the woman who suffers most).

Assuming the husband is otherwise a decent man but just can't sort this bit out, is not the logical advice to get OP to enlist help from family, friends & professionals rather than a rather unhelpful "Leave him!"

The last thing OP needs is to cut off her own nose to spite her face!

Being a LP is not a bundle of laughs and although may solve a problem, often brings a whole raft of others. In this case, I think it would just make things worse!

Um excuse me, lots of posters have been ever so helpful suggesting ways the OP can get the twit to see what he's doing wrong, and shape up. I think "leave him" was pretty much seen as the very, very last resort, and one the OP has already rejected out of hand. I just challenged "not an option" as a matter of principle but I certainly didn't advocate it. If all else fails, though, the H needs to know that he could, at least in theory, lose everything through his short-sightedness, and just maybe that will get through to him. As long as the only penalty he sees is the wife being a bit exasperated he is likely to carry on. What he is doing really is very bad for all three of his own children and should not be allowed to continue. Professional advice, family and books have all been mentioned in this context. The OP has already tried most of them, to little effect.

Niceguy, the H is not working, not contributing, and not even lifting a finger... add to this her boys are being poorly parented, exactly how can OP be worse off if he were to be elsewhere?

It IS being suggested as the last resort, hbis presence is currently harmful to everyone in the entire familoy, included extended family. He HAS to 'get' this, he HAS to comply whatever happens, whether he stays or is asked to leave.

He will still have learn to treat his children fairly, otherwise this abuse will continue on the weekly visits.

Mind you, if I personally were either DS 1 or 3, I can't think why I'd want to visit him... so actually HE'D be the loser here.

So what are his good points?

Yes, he is a knob.

Yes, there will be problems between your boys as they grow older and I can see a time where ds1 and ds3 don't have any relationship with ds2.

I hate favouritism and have seen mil treat dd differently from the boys and I am sick of it .

Am for you op but I agree with custy.

Your dh is being massively unreasonable but is just getting away with it.

Similar experiences here when I was a child/teenager and I have issues with both parents as a result.

imvho I couldn't stay with my dh if he was doing this to our dcs. I am far too aware of the long term damage.

Niceguy does have a point though. Splitting up is nto going to solve the problem of the favoritism of DS2. this will continue unshecked if they are living apart and will probably escalate, with her (D)H undermining all her decisions when her had access to children.
Really this should have been confronted years ago, as if they had split OP would most probably have got access to al 3. As it stands now almost certainly DS2 will go with the husband as he is old enough to decide himself.
This is why I fear it may be too late to fix this

BlueFergie, I agree it is very late in the day.

Fwiw I suspect dc1 and dc3 may come to resent their mother as well as their father for allowing this to continue so long. This is from my own experience

I do take on board everything you are all saying.

Fortunately I do have a vv good relationship with my dc even ds2 .....ds1 is drifting away from his father but we remain as 'tight' as ever I think a lot of this has to do with fact they also see H treating me unfairly too.

Its rather a Dads a cranky git theory.

This has been going on for years (and I have been trying to tackle it for years too) its only as H is working less that his leabing towards ds2 has become more apparent.

Ds1 will say to anyone My mum is the strong one in our family in fact he chose to use me as the person he most admires for an essay at school the other kids generally chose celebrities his teacher was so impressed she rang me and read it to me and uses it 'annonymously' in her lessons.

What I foresee happening is that H will give ds2 enough rope to hang himself ..... but equally Ill be the one there to pick it up and dust us down.

H didnt always be so cruel in his favourtism its only in the last 2-3 years its reached this peak.

Clearly theres lots of history and this is one of the reasons I wouldnt leave but Im glad ive found 'support' in you lot -because theres always a part of you that think 'is it me?'.

dracschick, you do know that most people don't have to pick up the pieces and dust your own dear son off... don't you?

You do realise that this is none of your doing, and this is DH problem.

You do know the damage he is meting out on the self esteem and self worth of these fine young men you have.

What exactly ARE you waiting for to put your ruddy foot down?

Enough is enough, it is beyond unreasonable, and if this were any other person, you would cut that person out of your lives forever.

It would never be acceptable for favouritism if it were anyone else, the fact that this is the supposed head of the family, the flaming male role model makes this absolutely beyond the pale.