To make a 'move' on ex when I see him next weekend?

[WhereWildHorsesAre]

Had a version of this on chat but now seriously thinking about it.

Namechanged as DP comes on here sometimes and knows posting name.

My ex, the First Love, was my soul mate. I wholeheartedly loved him, more than anyone else. I love DP in a different way - a much more mature, deep, trustful love, but boring if I'm honest, and we've had problems for the last couple of years. Ex made me have butterflies, lay my soul on the line, write poetry by the bucketfuls, and all that good stuff.

It's been about 10 years since we split and we've kept in touch sporadically, whenever he pops into the city we'll meet for lunch/coffee, nothing more than polite friends. Occasionally I will have a dream about him and really miss him. There is absolutely a part of me that will always be in love with him, and he has said the same.

He is coming to my current city - 5 hours from where he lives - in the next couple of weeks and wants to meet for coffee. I haven't seen him for about 4 years. I feel like giving over to my emotions and suggesting something to him...I wouldn't have the faintest clue what or how, mind, but probably blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. I'm rubbish at flirting.

I have always thought that if Ex wanted us back together and I knew it would last, I probably would agree. I really long for that passion that we had. Maybe not so mad? Am I setting myself up for total embarrassment / humiliation and getting shot down awfully?

why didn't it work out first time around?

Nooooooooooooooooooo! I am sure it may be tempting but you will inevitably regret it and by then it may be too late if your DP finds out.

You should be careful. Passion, in any relationship, eventually dies down.

It is so easy to reminisce through rose tinted glasses but there is nowt romantic about lies, seedy deception and hurting someone you care about. If you want to be with your ex finish with your current partner. Until then it is just wrong.

Oh yes, vital info.

He was sort of a 'wild child' - went to lots of parties, clubbing all the time, nursed hangover 6 mornings out of 7, but no drugs or anything like that. He definitely didn't want to settle down for a good while and felt things were moving too fast.

I wanted to settle down ASAP so left and found someone who also did. Now Ex has matured and I feel is in the same place, he is single and has dropped a few hints over the last 6-12 months that he would really like to see me again, etc.

I second what TarheelMama siad. Passion is over-rated adn it's the friendship adn deep stability that lasts

I would absolutely cut things off with current partner if Ex wanted to pick back up.

and I can't spell!!

so you're not married to current partner? Any kid?

'Passion is over-rated and it's the friendship and deep stability that lasts'

I love how that's coming from someone called 'JustShaggingForNow'

Sorry Shagging totally not a dig just found that very funny. Your thoughts are what I'm worried about though...if Ex's/My passion cooled quickly where would we be in a few years' time...

Sounds liek such a grim idea tbh. sorry to trample on your dreams, but do you really think that after the initial flush (making large presumption he'd be willing) that the gresat passion would continue?

Not saying your current relationship is great, just that trying to recreate the past is doomed and most relatioships move to the mature, calm, content love you speak of.

Not to dismiss your first love, but a lot of us felt that way with our first loves.

Is it not just that you are bored and your life is boring?
Can you not change jobs/take up interests/maKE new friends/go to new places and then see if you're still mooning over him?

What would you want your DP to do if he was in the same situation?

Not married, we have 1 child. I am thinking of DC in this...but would approach things with an open mind and would very much want to keep both of us in DC's life as much as possible. Would never move/take DC out of city, for example, would probably never move outside same neighbourhood where DP resides.

Well here is my thinking, and I may be an old fart or whatever - quite probably! You are wanting to have your cake and eat it. If you no longer want to be with your DP, tell him and treat him with the respect he deserves as your partner. Then if you finish its fine to approach old flame.

But it sounds like you want to try out old flame, see if it works, give your self a choice, and if not there's poor old DP still in the background for emergency cover.

I'm not wishing to sound moralistic, but its not honest to treat either of these men like that. Make your choice, then act on it is the respectful way to go. Best of luck, I appreciate it's difficult.

If DP knew he would be happier with someone else then I would encourage him. But I think it's hard to say that because I'm not 100% happy, if you see what I mean? I know DP isn't 100% happy in the relationship either, though.

sounds like you've already planned it in your head...

Up to you - but the fantasy is usually far more exciting than the reality.

You'd be a single mother with somebody else's kid.

So you're only with your DP until something better comes along?

No magic, this particular Ex is the only person I would ever consider leaving DP for.

I think you're right, Nancy.

It's the fantasy, isn't it? It's remembering what we were like when we were 18. Invariably things would be different now, so I can't approach it like the relationship would be the same or have the same intensity. It would certainly have more constraints and we are, after all, different people now...

I feel sorry for your DP. And your child.

Finish with him first if you are going to.

Then I think you'd be better off spending this weekend with your DP working on your relationship. If your unhappy enough to say you'd want him to leave you so he could be happier with someone else then there are clearly things that you need to work on together.

In any relationship particularly one with a child you should spend some time trying to work out if you want to be together or not before moving on to someone else.

DP has made noises about leaving in the past, too. We have broken up a few times over similar things on his side. So no need to feel sorry for him like he's an innocent party

Don't make your decision based on your DP. If you think it's right for you then do it. Some people never have that kind of passion.

When he rolls over and farts the next morning, and reality hits, you will definitely regret what you've done.

All that passion and fond memory has matured with age. It wasnt as good as you remember it being.

A classic case of the grass is greener if ever I saw one