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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to move from Ireland to England with my child?

36 replies

KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 16:53

I had been with my Ex for 5 years and we have a 3 year old son. Over the years he has been verbally abusive, lied to me on countless occasions, been caught for drink driving twice and is now off the road, let his family treat me in a disgusting manner and I have even had to put up with rumors that he had a gay affair behind my back which I will never know is true or not. We broke up for good nearly 2 months ago when he hit me during one of his verbally abusive tirades. We have never lived together as I was 17 and he was 20 when our son was born and even though I had to grow up quickly he just never bothered and stayed is selfish self. He has never made and contribution in the financial aspects of raising a child and very little emotionally. After he hit me I decided it would be best for myself and my child to move back to England to be with my mum and sister who myself and my child have lived with our whole lives. He is now taking me to court for custody of out son and is trying to stop me leaving the country although he has not mentioned that he has NEVER paid maintenance. I am not trying to cut contact between my child and his father I simply want to try and create a more stable life for my son. I still want him to have a relationship with his dad providing he realizes he needs to grow up and take responsibility. AIBU?

OP posts:
BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 16:58

Run like the wind. And since he doesn't have automatic guardianship and sounds like a prize prick, he won't get far trying a legal route.

YABU.

Original poster
KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 17:08

Thanks BonniePrinceBilly I am now due to appear in court to sort out everything on Friday. When I first told him that I wanted to leave he seemed to accept that it was his own fault die to his behavior and we agreed to talk about visitation and what not between ourselves. It appears that after we had this chat he told his parents who he lives with what was happening and Ta Da! Up pops a court date. I'm angry because If I had just left the country he would not have been able to legally make me come back but because I tried to be decent I have made trouble for myselfI have been in England for 3 weeks with my son before we are due in court and he hasn't contacted me about our son once.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 22/11/2010 17:13

Make sure you document everything. You have moved away to feel safe and gain support from your family. He will not get very far.

Was the violence documented by the doctor or anyone?

there is very useful advice here

Original poster
KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 17:26

No I didn't report the violence as I felt I just wanted to start fresh and not be dragged through the courts. I know this was stupid but I was in shock and stupidly I still loved this man just not enough to stay with him and risk violence again. I feel sick to my stomach about all of this and I just want it over. It means alot to hear others opinions because sometimes I feel I am being selfish wanting to move away :(

OP posts:
Doobydoo · 22/11/2010 17:31

RUN!

BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 17:34

Are you in court in Dublin? Do you have any representation or any support to go with you?

Original poster
KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 17:39

I'll be in court in Mayo, I have my parents and a solicitor going with me. My parents are really supportive and I'm very lucky to have them. My solicitor on the other hand is a useless bitch. That sounds harsh but she has spoken down to me, assumed that because I'm young my child thinks that I'm his sister which is completely un-true and just took it for granted that my parents were paying her which again was complete crap.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 22/11/2010 17:40

Could you change your solicitor? Doesn't sound like she is being very supportive.

Original poster
KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 17:44

I won't be back in Ireland until Thursday and the court date is on Friday so I think it to late. My mum had a chat with her after the last time about the way she spoke to me and I think she seemed to take it on board if only to up her chances of us using her again. The thing is she doesn't think the court will let me leave.

OP posts:
BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 17:46

Oh thats good, I was just going to say if you were alone we could organise someone to be with you if you needed it.

Tell your solicitor precisely what you want her to do, you are paying her to represent your wishes.
And best of luck.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 17:51

just go. do you even have to go back to court? what can tehy do if you aren't in teh country?

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 17:52

change your solicitor or self represent. if it was me i wouldn't be turning up at court though.

Original poster
KMonaghan · 22/11/2010 17:54

I think as far as I know it would turn out quite badly if I didn't turn up. I did consider not going back and just lying low for a while out of being so terrified they won't let me leave. I'm am so glad I found this site it has been such a help to me to see others going through the same thing. Thank you all so much for your help it means so the world to me.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/11/2010 17:57

surely all they can do is keep sending court summons'? i was sort of in the same situation and i asked my solicitor what would happen if i just refused to allow contact after the ordrs were made she said they would just keep calling me back to court again and again. she said they wouldn't be able to physically make me hand over my child.

BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 18:00

there is an irish site called askaboutmoney.com, its not just about money though....there are some lawyers on there who may be able to give you a better answer to your question. It is a great resource for such things...just make sure to put it in the right section and outline your situation properly; they are sticklers for site protocol but worth the hassle for accurate advice.

RCToday · 22/11/2010 18:05

Im in two minds about this one

If KM ignores the court summons it will not be in her favour if he persues her in the UK

but

If she ignores it now, she could well save herself years of tit-for-tat court dates

Im making dinner now, I will have another think about

RCToday · 22/11/2010 18:10

oops what happened there Grin

What I meant to say was

If KM ignores the court summons it will not be in her favour if he persues her in the UK

also

If she ignores it now, she could well save herself years of tit-for-tat court dates

but

if KM faces up to it now and can come to some agreement over access and sticks to it

it will be up to the EX to keep to it

Im still making dinner and I will still think about it

btw im not too far from you and have experience of irish family courts

JamieLeeCurtis · 22/11/2010 18:18

Change your posting name, K !!!

GypsyMoth · 22/11/2010 18:23

Assume it's a prohibited steps order and. PR he's going for? As well as contact

Fgs don't ignore it, you will be forever looking over your shoulder. As you had a go at sol for talking down to you then BE the adult you insist you are , and DEAL with this now.

He will get PR. A given. Violent or not. So that puts him on legal even footing with you.

You need to plan for reasonable contact, offer it and don't mention maintenance in court....2 very separate issues that the courts don't like mixing!!

humanoctopus · 22/11/2010 18:27

Hi. Was your child born in Ireland? If yes, then a refusal to answer to court summons would probably result in an application for the child to be returned to the Irish duristiction (sp) made by the courts until such time as the 'relevant' issues are sorted out by the family law court. Its called the Hague Convention, and you would be in violation of this, as both England and Ireland have signed up to this (used usually in the unlawful abduction of children between member states). Even if he is at fault, it will be frowned upon and you will be seen by the judge as having poor character, as a result. My advice is to make a really good case for your emmigration/return to England. One that does not have your exe's behaviour as the main reason for moving. Judges are usually sympathetic to 'moving away' applications if you state missing family, job/education opportunities and overall stability for the child as your reasons for moving. You may be told by the judge that you'll need a separate court date to consider a 'moving away' application, bummer. Good luck.

humanoctopus · 22/11/2010 18:28

jurisdiction! Sorry.

humanoctopus · 22/11/2010 18:30

I forgot to add, that applications for access in Ireland are not influenced by a parent's maintainence record, so even if he hasn't supported you at all, he will still get significant access. Come up with a plan of access and how you will facilitate it from England, etc.

JustaNickname · 22/11/2010 18:46

Thanks JamieLeeCurtis I just changed it

Everyone seems to have some good advice. I'm definitely going to court and facing everything head on even if I am terrified. The solicitors letter I received said he was applying for Custody, Access and Guardianship. His parents are also applying for Access and this will all be dealt with on Friday. I have already look into going to college in England and I am already a fully trained hairdresser so I was thinking about furthering my career with beauty training. We already have accommodation sorted and my mum has been offered a job that she has agreed to take.

humanoctopus · 22/11/2010 19:14

That's a standard application here, don't worry about the custody part.

You haven't said whether your child is born in Ireland?

He will automatically be given guardianship, the threshold is very low for granting it, even if they are not on the birth certificate, etc.

Go in with an access plan that works for you. This way, you won't be accused of trying to limit the relationship between the child and father, etc.

You are going to be fed a whole pile of shite, mostly along the lines of 'a child has the right to the society of both parents' and you will probably be made to prove how your move isn't deliberately trying to prevent same.

GypsyMoth · 22/11/2010 19:25

look into contact centres for supervised contact to begin with