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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you mess with married folk you...

120 replies

readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 10:11

deserve everything you get?

OK, so here is the scenario:

You chase (or are chased) after a married/attached person and they leaves their partner to be with you.

AIBU to wonder how the hell you can trust that person not to do the same thing to you?

Why can't people find a SINGLE person to pester???? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:03

Sparkle - I do not hate the OW. I just don't understand how you can expect a trusting relationship after breaking up one.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 22/11/2010 11:03

YANBU - I'm sure there must be exceptions, but I think that generally, pursuing a relationship with somebody who isn't completely free to be with you does not bode well.

Putting the obvious moral argument aside, maybe the married/attached person is already unhappy in the relationship they're in, and want to leave the relationship anyway. But if that's the case, surely they should do so before embarking on a new relationship? If somebody is too afraid to leave a relationship until a new one is on the horizon, they sound pretty immature and/or insecure anyway IMO.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 11:05

again OP teh OW didn't break up a relationship.

PamelaFlitton · 22/11/2010 11:06

I just don't see the point in getting wound up about human nature. If someone leaves because they had an affair, then the affair was an exit strategy. I think a lot of people want to get found out as well - it is not difficult to keep secret, and yet so many people get busted Confused

Memoo · 22/11/2010 11:07

Alouiseg

"He's not the cheating sort, he has a huge sense of morality"

But did he cheat on his partner with you?

Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:07

boohoo - oh ok Blush I don't understand how a person who is seeing two people at the same time can be trusted by the person he/she chooses to be with in the end? Better? Point is still the same. How can they be trusted? They can't.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2010 11:08

I disagree with the idea that happily attached people don't have affairs.

A couple can deeply love each other, but can be experiencing stress, depression, grief, the exhaustion that comes with a demanding job or small children etc. These things can divert attention from the relationship. Someone else comes along and they can present themselves as perfect. They don't bring with them any of the problems that exist in real life and so the married person can start to believe that this is better than the relationship they have with their spouse. The affair though is artificial because it isn't subjected to the strains of day to day life.

That period of weakness on the part of the married person and selfishness on the part of the OW/OM can devastate a marriage which might otherwise have recovered from the stresses it was under. The married couple didn't love each other any less, one of them just got temporarily fooled into thinking that was the case.

Marriages can survive affairs, but often it is too damaging to the person who has been cheated upon.

Peoples behaviour changes when they have an affair. They can become less kind to their spouse and it leaves the wife/husband questioning everything they thought to be true about their lives. That is why a person who truly falls out of love with their spouse owes it to them to be honest and faithful until they have ended the marriage. Anything else is just shabby and erodes all trust and respect.

Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:10

Pam - I agree with the exit strategy bit. I understand that some people are just so pathetic and selfish that they cannot be without a partner for five mins so they have to 'line one up'. People like that just aren't my cup of tea. Agree with MooMooFarm.

OP posts:
SantasMooningArse · 22/11/2010 11:13

I left exp before the wedding to be with dh

It was only after I'd amde the break ir elaised how desperately unhappy I had been tbh, and how abnormal much of Xp's behaviour had been. I think when things are not right and tehre's a gap it's often too easy to be blind rather than face up until somene else comes along.

But I'd be of the - 'If you split up with her we'll talk, nothing til then' ilk; marriages end and ime crossovers happen, but that's very different to the ability to maintain a lie and an affair for a protracted time. When I realised I wanted to be with DH, I left. There was no crossover.

Chasing though is too much- there's a differenvce between relaising you desperately want to be with someone and facillitating that in as honest a way as possible, and overtly chasing after someone. I'd never trust someone who ahd a history of that or affairs.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 11:16

well i agree with you. i think leopards and spots and all that. i wouldn't trust a partner who i knew had cheated in a previous relationship.

but i don't know why you are getting so wound up about this. it wouldn't eb your problem if an OW got cheated on would it? it would be her life and up to her who she chose to spend it with. if she choses to be with a cheating man then that is a risk she chooses to take.

i don't understand why you are so wound up and intent on someone here confirming that an OW gets her jsut desserts if she is cheated on.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 11:17

Shock chooses Blush

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 11:18

that word has losta ll meaning now. i need a thesaurus.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 22/11/2010 11:18

Why don't you put the blame where it really lies, which is on the monogamy cult?
Lifelong monogamy is actually a minority fetish which most people don't actually enjoy. It's not 'natural' at all. If there was less pressure on people to chain themselves to one other individual forever so as to be seen as 'normal' or 'grown up' then there would be a lot less misery.

PamelaFlitton · 22/11/2010 11:20

Some people just don't fetishize monogamy in the same way, and therefore aren't that bothered if someone has a history of cheating. Tbh, if you're going to marry a certain kind of man (i.e. rich, good-looking, charismatic) it's almost a given that they will have affairs. Footballers being the best example, why does anyone ever expect them to remain faithful??

Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:21

SEGB - true

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/11/2010 11:22

SGB- there is still free choice in whether someone is in a monogamous relationship or not. they can say at any point "i don't want to be monogamous". cheating is the responsibility of the cheater. not society.

PamelaFlitton · 22/11/2010 11:22

x-post Sparkling!

SantasMooningArse · 22/11/2010 11:23

SGB I think it's somewhere in the middle tbh

MIL was very content to spend her life with FIL: FIL less so but (partly due to abdonment as a child I suspect) determined to stay faithful

until he met his fiancee.

MIL, beautiful clever woman would ahve found love agiain easily at 30, 40 , 50....leaving a week after she retired was beyond cruel and isolating.

Some people want lifelong monogamy: until DH I was absolutely a serial monogamist but couldn;t imagine that forever. But others don;t, and it's a shame people can;t just be mroe open about what they want from the start, allowing their partners to make choices, and perhaps being honest with themselves.

noddyholder · 22/11/2010 11:24

Life is not that simple.

MooMooFarm · 22/11/2010 11:28

Sparkling - I've never heard anybody refer to monogamy as a cult before! Your post made me laugh, but I don't think it was supposed to...

I probably sound patronising, but I think it's quite sad that you think that way. Do you not think some people don't feel 'chained' but are actually very happy being with one person? I certainly am, and have been for many years. DH and I feel that our relationship has got better as the years have gone by, not worse, and the love we have is something which could not be replicated in a short term or non-monogomous relationship.

Part of me can't help thinking that if you met the right person you wouldn't think the way you do - but each to their own, so I won't attack your lifestyle choice, just as you shoudn't attack mine!

Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:28

boohoo - its Monday and I am bored, why not?

OP posts:
SantasMooningArse · 22/11/2010 11:30

True NH

And you know- someone mentioned stress further down: well the things mentioned (grief, etc) would be enough anyway that the person woudln;t be thinking straight, so whilst their aprtner might not forgive, I sure as hell wouldn't judge.

The value of a marriage exists IMO in the happiness within. Miserable people are to be pitied, and don't make ideal decisions.

SparkleSoiree · 22/11/2010 11:37

Monogomay is a cult now?

Never occurred to me. I just fell in love and wanted to be with DH for the rest of my life and make babies with him. Nobody else, just him.

RunawayChristmasTree · 22/11/2010 11:38

YANBU at all.
My Ex SIL got herself involved (chased him like there was no tomorrow) with a chap who was about to get married, (and SIL knew this) he was engaged to a girl he had been with for years, SIL told him she was pregnant and he left his wife to be.. 14 yes 14 months later SIL had a child.
Anyway they got married and he went on to have not one, not two but 3 affairs with 3 women, oh I I laughed.

Original poster
readywithwellies · 22/11/2010 11:41

Runaway - teehee!! Grin wishing the same on all the others too!

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