If you mess with married folk you...

[readywithwellies]

deserve everything you get?

OK, so here is the scenario:

You chase (or are chased) after a married/attached person and they leaves their partner to be with you.

AIBU to wonder how the hell you can trust that person not to do the same thing to you?

Why can't people find a SINGLE person to pester????

Pam - but trust is integral to any relationship. I am saying that I would not have an affair. If he left his wife and then a few months later called me, OK.

Memoo - Vile, yes that is a good word.

"So would you guys date a person who had affairs/left their partners? I wouldn't. Immediate turn off."

Wait until you get into your forties. There are very few people that age that haven't been in a long-term relationship or been married and which hasn't failed in some regard... sometimes their fault, sometimes not. If you're only looking for moral perfection in a partner then you're a) unrealistic and b) you'll have an extremely small selection to choose from. :)

That's what I meant. Some men blame women for everything. When they lose something, break something, everything. So when he has to pay child maintenance, suffers financially, feels guilty over the children, who is he going to blame. OW. Not a rare thing. Because he is a good person who got lead astray by the oversexed whore.

chil - I would prefer to be unrealistic and have a small selection to choose from than be with a person I could never trust. Obviously relationships break down. The way the person deals with it - ie. shagging behind their partners back or not - is what I can't deal with.

Are you suggesting that people in their 40s and above should compromise their morality and standards just to get a relationship? I would rather be single, thanks

But you still told them to leave their wife regardless of whether you shagged them first. But basically, no one leaves or cheats in a relationship they're happy in so it's all a bit academic.

People going on about 'trust' etc. I think would be equally devastated if their husband said 'I just met this woman, I don't know her very well and haven't slept with her but I already know I prefer her to you so I'm off'.

I agree that primary responsibility is with the person who is married. That said, if you sleep with someone elses partner, it does not reflect well on you as a person. I would think less of someone who got together with their partner, when that partner was committed elsewhere.

There are some very predatory people out ther who take a delight in targeting married people. Real life and relationships are not all Mills & Boon and I think some people exploit that and have a genuine hand in smashing up the existing relationship, especially if the married person is easily flattered/weak. Without the other persons involvement the marriage might have survived.

I think that if a person has an affair with someone elses wife/husband and later becomes the person who is cheated upon, well that is natural justice. You reap as you sow etc

Pam - would rather that than find out my Dp had been shagging around for the past six months with someone I know. (Not true with current dp, but has happened to me). Why lie? Especially when you have children and should be trying to maintain some kind of relationship with the other parent of your DCs

I'm suggesting that people in their 30s, 40s and older have to modify their expectations. Unlike teens and twenty-somethings, people that age often come with a lot of personal baggage & history... children, exes, affairs etc.... and if you dismiss everyone out of hand simply because they've made a few mistakes in life then you're heading for a lonely old age.

Pam - some do cheat when they are happy. Extra sex?? Yes please!

No they don't. No one would risk hurting someone they really care about. If they cheat it's because they've weighed up the risks and decided it's worth it.

I think people would be just as devastated if someone just got up and walked out. At least with an affair you know why it ended, if they just leave you have no idea.

"I agree that primary responsibility is with the person who is married. That said, if you sleep with someone elses partner, it does not reflect well on you as a person. I would think less of someone who got together with their partner, when that partner was committed elsewhere."

Karma put it better than I could :)

Chil - mistakes I can handle. Exes, kids, fine - cheating I can't. Just like some people don't like ginger hair or hairy backs. I don't like men who cheat. And I am older than a tweenie. They can be ginger and hairy for all I care, as long as they are faithful.

I met, fell in love with and married an attached man.

we're still extremely happy after 16 years. he often says if he had stayed with the first one he would have been perpetually unhappy and definitely unfathful.

Happily attached people do not succumb to temptation.

Alouiseg - how do you know he isn't cheating on you?

readywithwellies, how do you know yours isn't cheating on you?

People with morals do not succumb to temptation either.

Pam - I don't. Under no illusion.

I didn't know the last one was either.

Why go on about it then? If someone's going to chuck you, I think whether they cheat on you first is neither here nor there. Relationship's over anyway. It's only human nature to get someone else lined up before you exit.

I guarantee he's never cheated on me. For a start he's been working from home for the last year.

He's not the cheating sort, he has a huge sense of morality.

It sounds terribly smug, i know, but its just the way he is.

Pam - REALLY?????

We must live in parallel universes then.

I generally see that despite the committed person being ultimately responsible for their betrayal the OW (regardless of peoples moral opinion) usually gets both barrels and way more stick and criticism than the person who strayed outside the relationship. Probably just an easy target for the anger that the betrayed person feels. But WHY? If your partner cheated why even bother wasting breath on the OW/OM? The relationship is not with them.

Alouiseg - funny that, I thought that of my firsh dh (although he did not cheat before meeting me). He run of with his secretary. Honestly, not trying to wind you up.

Ooohh, maybe its me. I make them cheat.

readywithwellies - I'm sorry, it sounds like you've had some bad times. I do think though that if someone (man or woman) is happy, in love, and communicates with their partner, then they won't be unfaithful.