Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my children should have my name, not my husband's

113 replies

happiestblonde · 21/11/2010 13:24

DP and I talking. He is usually a massive feminist, I'm a complete conservative but this seems pretty divisive.

When we get married I will probably keep my own name. He is fine with that. However, when we have DCs he expects them to have his. We cannot do double-barrelled which would be my first choice as our names together would be utterly ridiculous, but seeing as they will belong (for want of a better word) to both of us, and as I will be the one carrying the child, wrecking my body and going through child birth... why on earth should they have his surname!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
happiestblonde · 21/11/2010 17:51

I know it doesn't have more. Any thing I've said that implies otherwise is down to not checking what I've written. I know I'm going to back down on this and they will have his but I wish they wouldn't. I don;t want a whole new name, I wouldn't want DCs with different surnames so I guess mine will be a second middle name.

Sad though. I wish there was open discourse over whether the mother or father's name was used rather than an automatic presumption that it will be the father's.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/11/2010 18:01

YANBU.

And ffs, nobody at school will be remotedly confused. I ring then Inferiorettes' school all the time, scrupulously explaining that I am my kids' mother (they have both my surname and their father's) and the staff always roar with laughter at the fact I'm so prissily going through it Grin.

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 18:04

It seems odd to me that you have DCs with someone and then fight about them as if they are a possession-'they are mine' 'no they are mine'! Much simpler to go with tradition.
I love DH and his DCs have his name.(my name is already carried on by 3 nephews and DHs isn't). Something that should be discussed before you have them.

LadyViper · 21/11/2010 18:04

why not make up a new surname that you can all have?

It could be inspired by both your current surnames or completely new!

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 18:07

If he is already a massive feminist why not let him have a go?
I think it needs one or the other-those who make one up are going to have DCs who are highly annoyed if ever they get interested in family history. I have traced both sides of my family back generations and would expect to have one of the names-not parents who thought they were all important and could ignore it all.

SantasMooningArse · 21/11/2010 18:11

'marriage itself can be deemed an archaic construct to reinforce the patrilineal society so why get married if you don't buy into - pay a solicitor to write you airtight wills and you have the same benefits'

No you don;t

It's far from why I got married but if everything goes truly awry then Widow's Allowance can be a huge lifesaver. After all who knows when the worst can happen- when you're ill, when you are two weeks postnatal...

it is the direct experience on here of widows that being married helped things enormously, even with a decent will. I think there's a thread from yorkiwgirl, admittedly a few years old now.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 21/11/2010 18:11

Something being traditional doesn't automatically make it right.

OP I think you need to discuss this with your dp and come to a decision that you're both happy with.

SantasMooningArse · 21/11/2010 18:14

Oh and wrt to OP

Kids don;t belong to either of you: they needn;t wreck your body (sometimes inevitable through illness / birth issues but usually not). Child birth is not always a horror to be 'gone through' (I type as a Mum of 4 with a range of birth experiences).

You share them; otherwise tbh the 'I carried them etc' attitude- is that something that you will hold up every time you disagree about schools / rules / etc? A big problem to start out with IMO.

The name they sahre is irrelevant, but having one aprtner who thinks they hold a trump card is not.

Original poster
happiestblonde · 21/11/2010 18:17

Santas - I've quite clearly stated more than once during this thread that this is not a belief I ascribe to. The 'my' children was a mistake and my reference to carrying the child/child birth was to emphasise just how wrong it feels to me that as soon as he/she is born they take on the father's name.

OP posts:
SantasMooningArse · 21/11/2010 18:31

I missed that, sorry.

However I still don;t think that a blanket refusal to 'allow' them to take his name is fair either- which is what seems to be happening. It's a fifty-fifty decision.
And most arguments can be counter-ruled: for example 'I want them to share the name fo the main aprent' (not you, people I know) flies out a window if you die. lives are unpredictable; crap happens.

personally i'd be looking at a name-merger or different solution. There may well be a family name you can use that still has history- for example, we both have older family members called Samuel: that could have worked a treat.

Kendodd · 21/11/2010 19:03

If you don't want to go double barrelled, merge names or something like that one of you is going to have to give ground. I suggest the best solution is to just toss a coin and go with that.

I agree with you though about name changing and the tradition of men always handing down their name. Don't start me on Miss/Mrs/Ms when men just stay Mr and don't have display marital status on ever letter they get.

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 19:08

' pay a solicitor to write you airtight wills and you have the same benefits'

If you really believe this you will be in trouble! I was widowed before DS was a year old and if I hadn't been married I would have been up the creek without a paddle!!

fedupofnamechanging · 21/11/2010 19:24

You are not married to your DP though are you? In which case it is more 'normal' for the DC to have your name.

You say earlier that you will end up backing down. Be careful, because if you do something you resent this will cause problems in the relationship. Sorry to say it, but by backing down, you are effectively saying that when push comes to shove, what he wants is more important than what you want. Do you think he is on the male equivalent of MN, saying that he will end up giving in to what you want?

Legally, you get to choose. He should acknowledge that your name is as important to you as his is to him.

My final suggestion is that you get someone impartial to toss a coin! I have the feeling that this could turn nasty between the two of you and bring resentment into an otherwise good relationship because one of you is going to 'lose'.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/11/2010 19:26

X posts Kendodd

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 19:31

Tossing a coin is the best suggestion, then no one can say it is unfair.

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 19:33

If you are a widow you find out that a marriage certificate is more than 'a piece of paper'.

ratspeaker · 21/11/2010 20:23

I know someone whose children all had her surname even though she was married to the father, wasn't a problem

It's something to discuss before marriage and dc are born

Serendippy · 21/11/2010 20:42

Agree with Hecate, if it is not important to you that your family unit share a name, why not alternate surnames?

StewieGriffinsMom · 21/11/2010 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 21/11/2010 21:02

I didn't change my surname when I got married, for all the reasons the OP has said.

Eight years later, when I was pg I had a very strong feeling that I wanted DS, DH and I to have the same name - so that we were an obvious family. So I changed name then. I realise that DS could have had my surname and DH could have changed, but I WANTED to change mine. Sounds illogical (especially as an equality believing engineer), but the emotions associated with motherhood need to be felt to be belived.

I am Mrs MarriedName at home and on bank a/c, passport, driving licence etc

I am Dr MaidenName at work.

I may not have been so keen to change if I could not have lefitimately been Dr MaidenName in some situations though.

Weta · 21/11/2010 21:10

There's no 'must' about it - it strikes me that what is annoying you is that you feel you have no choice really.

One of my friends did give her children her name, and hasn't had any problems (though this was in NZ so maybe people are more broad-minded than in the UK?!).

I think there is a solution on a societal level if everybody double-barrelled and then, for example, girls took the mother's bit of the double-barrel to pass on to their kids and boys took the father's bit...

But in the meantime for myself I felt there was no right answer. Double-barrelling wasn't an option as both our names are so unusual. In the end I decided that what mattered most to me was to keep my own name. The kids have DH's - I do feel slightly sad that we don't all share a name, but there is equally no reason they should have mine more than DH's. And I do agree with the point that the mother has a built-in physiological connection through childbirth, breastfeeding etc, all things the father cannot participate in, and it is nice for the father to have his own special connection through the name.

pastaplease · 21/11/2010 21:12

YANBU.

My DD has my name and I'm very pleased with that. DH isn't bothered at all.

echt · 21/11/2010 21:22

Same here, pastaplease

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 22/11/2010 21:33

Just because a birth certificate even says a certain name doesn't mean it has to be used.

My first name is spelled a certain way on my b. cert. - think Gone with the wind actress, but I was NEVER taught to spell it that way as a child by either parent. When my mum registered my birth in Nov '75, she didn't cotton on to the fact that the registrar had spelled my name that way, so on EVERY OTHER DOCUMENT in my name, I have used the more, er, French spelling which is what I was taught.

You can call someone whatever you want as long as it's not rude or offensive. In Germany, I believe there is a list of names that are permitted (or it could be a list of ones that aren't, but you get my point), and if the name is not approved the reg tells you to choose something else.

thehairybabysmum · 22/11/2010 21:42

I felt this (we are married with different names). I however felt it as a feminist principle really. DH who is pretty mellow about life in general actually got v. upset about them not having his name. He wasnt even that sure why at teh time.

I then agreed that they should have his name as he felt so emotional about it, whereas i felt strongly but from a princple point of view IYSWIM. His feelings were clearly deeperthan mine about it so i felt it would be mean for me to insist,even though i could have.

In actual fact i quite like it now that all 3 boys (DH, DS1 and DS2) are the 'xxxx boys'.

I actaully think it doesnt really matter, i have never had a problem WRT my name and their names being different (ds1 now nearly 55) its pretty common. I htink it is one of those things that you can get het upabout pre-baby but that fade to insignificance once you are pottering along in real life.