to think my children should have my name, not my husband's

[happiestblonde]

DP and I talking. He is usually a massive feminist, I'm a complete conservative but this seems pretty divisive.

When we get married I will probably keep my own name. He is fine with that. However, when we have DCs he expects them to have his. We cannot do double-barrelled which would be my first choice as our names together would be utterly ridiculous, but seeing as they will belong (for want of a better word) to both of us, and as I will be the one carrying the child, wrecking my body and going through child birth... why on earth should they have his surname!?!

op me and dp came up with out own family name, when ds was born he has our new name, dp changed his name after that by deed poll, and i will take on that name once married.

Of course YANBU, it would be easier though for you all to have the same name. Can't your DP take your name when you get married? If he is such a big feminist then I can't see him minding.

Anyway, your decision is final when it coes to names on the birth certificate as far as I'm aware. Even in the hospital, if you're unmarried they call the baby 'Baby mother's surnae' for clarity.

How will it work regarding legal documents - eg passports?

Whatever you decide to do is completely up to you, but I think you will need to be realistic about other people's assumptions. Teachers might call your OH Mr X because the children have X as a surname for example, or they may assume that he isn't their father.

I think that you should choose the name you like best and the one which goes best with the first names you choose for your DC.

If you are not married when you have your DC, then the choice is entirely yours, from a legal pov.

I hate the assumption that men get to give DC their last name. It's almost as if the woman had nothing to do with it. His name is not more important than yours.

when I had my DS1, I was not married to his dad, so gave my son my name. If we had not married and stayed together, I didn't want to have a different name to my child. When we did marry, I only changed my name (and our sons) because I liked his name better (shallow emoticon ). If I hadn't, then I would have kept mine and given it to our DCs.

My (now) DH put no pressure on me to give my DC his name, because he recognised that my rights to name our child were at least equal to his. I had pressure from my ILs, which I duly ignored.

Ask him if he would like to change his name to yours? You can tell a lot about true attitudes regarding equality from the reply.

In Denmark (where my DH was born) it is common for siblings to have different last names (some mums, some dads) and for women to keep their own names.

Another alternative is to choose a completely new last name for all of you.

"Wintersun - I agree with you entirely. I buy into the idea of marriage whole heartedly both various reasons such as stability, public declaration of love and commitment, legally joining your lives together etc and taking someone's name is such a superficial part of that."

the joining lives = makeing one family unit = one identifier name

again his, yours, joint, new who cares?

the name is not superficial - names are powerful

How will it work regarding legal documents - eg passports?

well if the women hasn't changed her name, then no legal doc need to be changed unless she want to change her title from miss, to ms

Bunbaker - good point. It's funny, my partner is very into his own surname, family history etc and would not change it on those reasons. He's also a Dr but of philosophy not medicine so I can just imagine the amusement I would get from the look on his face if a teacher at parent's evening called him MR Blonde. Amazing.

Karma - it's that assumption that his name is more important that bothers me, not the feminist reasons. It isn't because I'm a woman in a patriarchal society, it's because I am in a loving respectful relationship with a man where we have mutually decided to have children - so why will they have his name over mine? There's no logical sense.

so do you think your name has more importance

Not really. As I said, first choice would be double barrelled but we just can't do that to the kids.

I think I might just change my own name and the DCs to Campbell-Black :)

or blackbell

Well, the have done it. Children have passports and are all legal, so I assume it is permitted.

I'll probably get shot in the eye for this but shouldn't the thread title read 'our' children ??

Yabu btw.

A name does not make a family. What a ridiculous notion. Your children can have either name, it doesn't change the fact that you're their mum and your DH is their dad. And while we're at it, you are your DH not having the same name does not make you any less married.

you and your DH, not are

YANBU.

Legally you can call yourself and your children any name you want (as long as there's no intent to defraud). Doesn't matter whether you are married or not.

Difficulty is that of course you and dp should agree on a surname or surnames, since you are both parents.

OR you could be v. naughty and run down to the registry office without him. Actually unless the law has changed he has to turn up in person to go on the birth cert. at all unless you get married in the meantime.

Could you take elements of both surnames to create a new name? I dunno but for e.g. Mr Edwards and Ms MacIntyre could have children called MacEdwards (crap example but YKWIM)?

It does make it more complicated for schools etc. to have different surnames all over the place.

I had enough troubles when DS was born - I was single when booked in, as Miss X. Then got married to be Mrs Y. In the meantime, called myself Mrs X Y to maintain continuity for the hospital and also for professional reasons. DS was given my maiden name as a middle name, so is DS X Y. For a while there it looked like he and I both had double barrelled surname - which is how the hospital read it - but when we moved to Australia, I dropped the X from my name and am now just Mrs Y. (confused yet?)

My sis has a different surname to her DP and all their DC - they all have their Dad's surname. My ex SoL wanted her DC with my bro to have her surname, he didn't - they have his surname.

I have another friend married to an Italian (she isn't Italian) - while in the UK, she had his surname but when they moved back to Italy she had to revert to her maiden name because that's how they do it there. But the DC have his surname.

I guess it's up to you in the end but if I were your DP/H I'd find it a touch hurtful that you didn't want my DC to have my name, as though you didn't want me to be any part of them (I appreciate your DP might not feel the same way).
Can't you just use your maiden name as a middle name for them?

Do you have your dad's name or your Mum's?

YABU - agree with activate

She has her own name, just like her DP has his own name.

Btw OP YANBU

You do need to discuss it with your DP though and come to some agreement.

Wow, I never thought I'd see so many archaic and bizarre attitudes in one place.

Do some of you honestly think that having a different name to your family members makes you less of a family?!

well, if you're not all going to have the same name - why should all the children have your name?

Surely the fair thing to do would be to alternate - so first child your name, second child his name, third child your name etc etc.

All the family having the same name does not matter to you, so this should be a good solution, should it not?

It all just seems so pointless to me - be a unit - share a name!

YANBU.

Names - either yours or the children's has absolutely nothing to do with marriage.

The custom of women changing their names on marriage and children having their father's name is just that - a custom. Not the law. You can do what you like.

I did not change my name when I got married and the dcs have my surname with DH's surname as a middle name. This has never caused any problems, or even aroused any comment, anywhere - not travelling, not in hospital or at the doctors, not at work, not at school.

Anyone who ludicrously suggests that there is no point in getting married if you are not going to change their name is, er, spectacularly missing the point of marriage.