To not have sex with dh (another thread gave me confidence to ask)

[ofcourseInamechanged]

DH and I since ds have had 'issues' regarding sex, mainly my body confidence and libido took a massive knock and he expected me to be up for it just as much. It's fine when we get going but I find it hard to initiate, I'm so tired with 4m/o ds. He is VERY stroppy about 'always' having to start things and isn't prepared to do much more than grab my bits at inappropriate times then get arsey if he's pushed off. 1-2 nights a week is normal. although we've just been nearly 3 week without after a 3 week long first period (grim).

This morning REALLY took the piss though. All in bed, ds, dh and I. He moved around behind me said 'I have an idea' then moved behind me, put his hand down my knickers and tried to spoon me. Now I'm fine with sex if 4m/o is well asleep in his cot BUT he was bloody the other side of me nose to nose giggling at the sudden voices. Eyeball to eyeball. Now I think I'm pretty normal with not being ok with my bottom half having sex while my top half entertains a baby. I told dh as much and removed him from my knickers. He had a big strop, said he's fed up of 'always' asking for sex and being turned down and muttered about sexless marriages. He then stropped out to the shops alone saying he wanted to go out alone.

It's been building up but something has snapped inside me today at this ridiculous pleasure me like I'm an over grown five year old attitude he has. I've been out all day avoiding him and now I'm deliberately elsewhere in the house. I don't even want to speak to him, he's probably forgotten why/ can't see how he was unreasonable at all.

I can't see why he can't be normal and suggest sex while ds naps (5 min after this exchange!) or a quickie whilst ds entertains himself in the other room strapped in a bouncer. I'm starting to think he's actually engineering ridiculous times to try sex and get turned down so he can create a fuss and put me down. He'll try it on if I'm tired or ill but goes to bed at 8 with ds most the time then sulks he doesn't have sex.

I've digressed, but AIBU to not want sex at all with him after the stunt he tried this morning (especially considering the rest of it). I've spent the day near trembling with suppressed rage.

Blimey, people who think grown men need to be taught to act decently, have an incredibly low opinion of men - how insulting it is to men, to describe them in that way. Sounds like you're some kind of man-hater, onceamai.

I agree that 1-2 times a week is a lot for a couple with a four month old... some people (ahem) barely have sex for weeks or even months when they have a baby!
I also agree that it's completely out of order to try to have sex whilst you're playing with your DS. He seems to be speaking to you in a v disrespectful way. YANBU, obviously.
If you're feeling desperate, do you have friends/family who you could go and stay with for a bit whilst you get some space? Or could he leave for a few days, say?
Hope things get better in one way or another soon.

And they are not crying alone into pot noodles in bedsits

NHS/NCT etc. need to give out leaflets in large writing in words of one syllable explaining that life will change after babies, women will be tired, their sex drive will temporarily go down, their needs will no longer come first. It's just amazing in these days of mass information that so many men find this as a surprise and take it so personally.

And again... it's because women are still taught that they need to have relationships at any cost isn't it?

Like being single is so much worse than any other option, even a crap relationship.

I mean look at the outrage on that othre thread about the idea that my god, if you call what the husband did by its real name - rape - then that might lead to the breakdown of the marriage - I mean, how terrible, she might go off and find that being without this man is better than being with him, that would never do, would it?

It's this idea that the relationship comes first - for women of course. That old Byron thing:

"Man's love is of man's life a thing apart,
'Tis woman's whole existence."

Seems like we're still being expected to believe that.

MEN!!! So there you are, baby sick on your shoulder and so knackered you cant see because you've been up 6 times in the night with baby and he expects you to switch on like a lightbulb! It sounds like DH needs a lesson in how the female libido works. Explain to him that sex for women is mental, not all genital based. Maybe if he came home from work and took DS from you and told you to go run a nice bath and take your time while he puts DS to bed, then maybe, just maybe, when you came back downstairs to find the toys picked up, the bottles washed and made up and a glass of wine waiting for you, you might just wrap your arms around him and feel like getting jiggy!
Explain that you need to feel supported and loved to feel sexy and the same goes for all women, and if he cant do that then he knows where his right hand and the tissues are.

What a pillock! Of course YANBU OP.

Who would want to have sex in front of the baby? I think your H tried it on then knowing you'd say no, so he could level more accusations of frigidity at you and carry on with his woe is me act...my DH would have been turning cartwheels if he was getting it twice a week post baby!

I think your H is being very disrespectful of you, bullying and a whining moaning prick. No wonder you don't fancy sex with him when he's acting like a sulky child, and you're exhausted with a 4mo.