To not have sex with dh (another thread gave me confidence to ask)

[ofcourseInamechanged]

DH and I since ds have had 'issues' regarding sex, mainly my body confidence and libido took a massive knock and he expected me to be up for it just as much. It's fine when we get going but I find it hard to initiate, I'm so tired with 4m/o ds. He is VERY stroppy about 'always' having to start things and isn't prepared to do much more than grab my bits at inappropriate times then get arsey if he's pushed off. 1-2 nights a week is normal. although we've just been nearly 3 week without after a 3 week long first period (grim).

This morning REALLY took the piss though. All in bed, ds, dh and I. He moved around behind me said 'I have an idea' then moved behind me, put his hand down my knickers and tried to spoon me. Now I'm fine with sex if 4m/o is well asleep in his cot BUT he was bloody the other side of me nose to nose giggling at the sudden voices. Eyeball to eyeball. Now I think I'm pretty normal with not being ok with my bottom half having sex while my top half entertains a baby. I told dh as much and removed him from my knickers. He had a big strop, said he's fed up of 'always' asking for sex and being turned down and muttered about sexless marriages. He then stropped out to the shops alone saying he wanted to go out alone.

It's been building up but something has snapped inside me today at this ridiculous pleasure me like I'm an over grown five year old attitude he has. I've been out all day avoiding him and now I'm deliberately elsewhere in the house. I don't even want to speak to him, he's probably forgotten why/ can't see how he was unreasonable at all.

I can't see why he can't be normal and suggest sex while ds naps (5 min after this exchange!) or a quickie whilst ds entertains himself in the other room strapped in a bouncer. I'm starting to think he's actually engineering ridiculous times to try sex and get turned down so he can create a fuss and put me down. He'll try it on if I'm tired or ill but goes to bed at 8 with ds most the time then sulks he doesn't have sex.

I've digressed, but AIBU to not want sex at all with him after the stunt he tried this morning (especially considering the rest of it). I've spent the day near trembling with suppressed rage.

I'm not suprised!

Is it your confidence that is stopping you from leaving then?

Some men are very very good at killing self confidence- eventually you become the problem/he's practically doing you a favour by being married to silly old you.

By ignoring you and putting you down he is wearing you thinner and thinner until you have nothing left. Theysuck out your soul and spit you out.

If I'm being harsh it's because I do care, I was in a situation like this when I was a teenager for a few years. Trust me, when I left it was like the sun had come out.
You don't have to take this, this isn't how life is meant to be, you can change it.

YANBU - hes being too pushy and his timing stinks.

"Is it your confidence that is stopping you from leaving then?" - Ladyofthehousespeaking

More likely the fact she is married to him and has a son by him.

Real life is not so black and white as MNworld.

My exP made a public comment (in the pub with all his beery mates) about how our DS must have been the immaculate conception because he never got any - I came back with "it wasn't that good" and he shut up quite rapidly.

FFS your DS is only tiny, you are exhausted and are having a rubbish time with your periods - he really needs to get a grip and stop being so self-obsessed. That said, men do get rather sidelined with the whole pregnancy and birth thing, he was clearly just competing for your attention and is possibly feeling a little insecure that this little man is now getting all of your attention. When you are feeling up to it maybe very gently fluffing his ego will stop him behaving like a child.

Ccpccp- earlier on she said she asked for a divorce an he ignored her. That's why I asked

YANBU you may be a Wife, a daughter, a sister, a auntie, and a mother, you may have many more tittles, but above all this you are a individual person and your wishes and opinions which you are perfectly entitled to have should be respected.

Ahh I misunderstood Ladyofthehousespeaking. I thought you were encouraging OP to leave her husband.

I read that bit but assumed it was just one of those heat of the moment things. Who hasnt demanded a divorce out of frustration during a big argument?

Eh? Is demanding a divorce a regular part of most couple's arguments?

That sounds a bit dysfunctional to me. I only talked about splitting up, when I was absolutely desperate about the state of my relationship and genuinely thought that splitting up was beginning to be a real prospect. I would never have dreamed of threatening to split in some kind of frivolous way. I can't believe any reasonable person would tbh, have I led a very sheltered life?

Youre obviously not arguing hard enough HerBeatitude

How anyone can stay with someone who treats them as little more than a blow up doll, I don't know

I can never understand this crap about men feeling "sidelined" by the baby. Jeez, men, grow the fuck up! Ds1 felt sidelined by ds2 but he was 2! Can't understand how a woman can go through pregnancy, give birth, suffer a massive upheaval in her body shape and image, have her entire life disrupted so she can't have a cup of tea without being interrupted and her poor husband feels sidelined. Boo bloody hoo! Maybe if these guys got a bit more hands on with the baby, do a few nappies, pace the floor at night, maybe then they could feel more involved?

Well said Chipmonkey.

FFS, it revolts me that men are clucked at sympathetically when they feel sidelined. You're not going to be ready to take on the adult responsibility of having a child, don't bloody have a child then. How can people find such boy-men remotely attractive? It's just so... unmanly.

Excellent posts chipmonkey and HerBeatitude

He tried to have sex with you while you were playing with your baby ?
What a revolting horrible man.

Im wondering why your with him , he gropes you , trys to fuck you in front of your baby and sulks when you object ,doesnt listen to you and ignores you when you try to speak to him. I bet he does fuck all round the house too.

It doesnt sound like he likes you very much , or has any respect for you . This comment was quite telling "He'll try it on if I'm tired or ill but goes to bed at 8 with ds most the time then sulks he doesn't have sex ".

Some men will use sex to bully and degrade a woman in the same way others will withold money or be verbally abusive .Sexual bullying is very effective as its humiliating and degrading. Some men go out of their way to make sure you dont want sex by doing what yours does , or by being stinky and shit at it. They can then accuse you of being frigid , of having something wrong with you ect and playing the poor me card.

Please dont take any comments on about him feeling sidelined by the baby. I think hes going out of his way to make sure you dont want sex with him. If this was me i would consider the possibility that this isnt about sex at all.

Yes you know what really genuinely puzzles, mystifies and saddens me dignified? The fact that in this day and age, so many women are still having really, really appalling sex.

I remember buying Cosmopolitan as a student and we all used to sit around discussing sex (because isn't that the most interesting topic of conversation when you're 20) and we all assumed that thanks to Cosmopolitan, the discovery of the female orgasm and the sexual revolution, all women were going to have fab sex from now on and there was no excuse for a man to be shit in bed as all the stuff about the clitoris, the G spot etc., was out there now.

And yet, a quarter of a century later, so many women still have bad sex as a norm and so many men aren't bloody ashamed that they're such bad lovers. WTF is going on? Why is sex something men still don't expect women to enjoy? Why is it something that so many women don't expect to enjoy? What happened to the sexual revolution?

Sorry if this is a slight de-rail btw, I'm jsut a bit gobsmacked about it all.

Herbeatitude , when i was married i ddnt get off for years. Sex lasted literally seconds and god help me if i complained. I presumed he had severe preamture ejaculation , and it was only when i read " living with the dominater " that has a chapter about the sexual controller that i realised he didnt. He,d also hurt me "accidently * and id have to tell him not to be so rough ect.

Like the op he attempted to have sex at absurd times , would grope me in the car or if i was on the phone . I was aparently frigid and useless , and he only ever came near me if he wanted sex , any contact at all would mean he started groping. He constantly said lewd things to me and acted surprised when i was offended.

I think many men deliberateley do shit sex , and use sex as a means to degrade and bully. They make sure you dont like it by doing things they know you dont like and pester constantly , knowing you dont like it.And og course your unreasonable when you object to being groped or leered at.

You know if your being screamed at , or hit , or if someones withholding money , you dont alwways recognise that your being bullied sexually.

I agree this was wrong and disrepectful.

I cant believe how some men seem to completely overlook everything a women has been through to have a baby..pregnancy, childbirth, a complete change of life, not to mention body and hormone changes.

And all certain men can think about is sex

I am also shocked that he would be so awful to you for one - at all and two - only four months post preg!

Lie other poster have said, yes things change after a baby and both mum and dad need to adjust but FFS if this is an issue fo ops dh than thats awful.

FWIW..i was at it like a rabbit b4 my first dc and it was like someone switched a switch afterwards...and yes im not going to lie i think it came as a bit of a surprise to my dh considering how thing were pre baby..but he has never once treated me this way!

I have always tried my best to be open and explain how i feel, and he has accpeted/supported me ..even though im sure he is looking forward to my libido rising at some point

OP hope you manage to decide the best for yourself and LO and if that includes your dhi hope he becomes to understand whats going on here

bad typos AGAIN! posting while cooking! Testing my multi tasking skills

I think you need to have a conversation with him about it. I think totally normal for sex drive etc to be lower after having a baby, esp if not feeling confident about your body and even more so if BFing.

FWIW I agree with the other posters that 1-2 times a week is quite reasonable (ie a lot) for someone with such a small baby, although his comments about sexless marriage probably more related to long period.

Need to have a conversation (not in bed), explain how you feel and what steps you are going to take to improve things, eg loose weight to improve body image, and also set expectations of how often. Also explain when if appropriate and when is not (when DS in room). Perhaps good idea to schedule in ti manage expectations, and also that sex in marriage is not a right but rather you have to want it too.

If he will not have this conversation with you and you have tried several times, then no YANBU to not have sex.

Apart from once around the six week mark to check everything still worked DP and I didn't have sex at all in the first six months after either baby and he didn't complain or sulk once. We were both too busy and knackered and hormonal to make it a priority.
How dare he make you feel this way? It is not his godgiven right to have sex just because he put a ring on your finger. Do you have a spare room? If you can't kick him out then move yourself and baby in there and enjoy the peace.

YANBU. But I think men sometimes just don't have a clue that they are being unsexy and unsympathetic and after a first baby just have no idea whatsoever. You need to talk about this - not in bed but at a neutral time when ds is asleep and you can both focus. It might also be helpful to write down how you feel - some men have no notion of the concept of listening and just carry on regardless because they are wired only to do what they want. It isn't an excuse but some of them just don't get acting decent until they've been taught.

some men have no notion of the concept of listening and just carry on regardless because they are wired only to do what they want.

Rubbish. Funny how these men who dont know how to listen dont have a problem listening to their boss . Presumably he used to listen to the op in their early relationship or she wouldnt have married him and wouldnt have had a baby with him.

He doesnt need to be taught to act decent , he knows full well whats decent and whats not , hes not a child.

1- 2 times a week with a 4 month old baby o the scene is a good sex life in most reasonable people's opinion. He is behaving like a selfish, childish prick.

HOrrible man. He obviously thinks that as you are only a 'woman' you exist for his benefit, and bullying you is what makes him feel good. Sadly he's not going to chagne, because he doesn't want to.
Have a chat with Women#s Aid - they won't insist you leave him immediately but will help you talk through your options.