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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect SIL to be a bit more flexible on holiday activities?

63 replies

frgr · 20/11/2010 00:11

A bit of background, because I'm genuinely not sure if I'm the one being unreasonable here.

H and I haven't had a real holiday since the kids arrived (weekends at parents excepting). In the Spring we've planned to stay for a week at this hotel which we chose because it's quite family friendly (so no worrying about food arrangements or kids entertainment), in particular because it does a lot of outside stuff like pony trekking (colleague has stayed and seemed to enjoy it) which I think will be amazing for the kids.

SIL is due to go in for some semi-routine surgery the month we're away, so I offered (trying to be nice) to take her little one away with us. The kids get on very well together, so she would have a small break for recovery and not have to fret so much. So far so good.

BUT... the problem is that, according to DH, this evening when he confirmed with her the dates we'll be away, apparently they were discussing what sort of "outdoor stuff" he meant - he explained that we want to give the kids a chance to have some outdoor fun for once since we only have a shared communal garden - well SIL has banned her daughter from participating in anything risky - no pony trekking permitted, NO swimming lessons, no hiring bikes to go on some countryside cycling - massive problem basically. Because that was sort of the whole point of the holiday!

I'm totally unsure what to do about this now. We've booked the bloomin rooms for everyone.. but we HAVE TO respect what she's asked us. But that means either stopping our kids getting involved in the stuff we'd planned (might as well just stay at a hotel around the corner ) or letting ours go off and her daughter watch from a distance?

I don't want to be seen as the bad person if her daughter kicks up a fuss about why she can't go on the ponies or into the pool, but at the same time we can't often afford holidays and I'm upset that we might have to massively alter our plans for this one (promises already made to our kids about what they'll be getting up to).

AIBU to think that:
SIL should have warned us when she accepted my offer, before we went ahead and booked?
Maybe I shouldhave volunteered more information about what kind of kids holiday we were planning?
Maybe H should have warned me his sister was like this (we're not that close, I was trying to help her out because I would like to be closer :))?

AIBU??? (If anyone has any idea of a nice comprimise that won't result in my kids getting upset, upsetting hers, or upsetting SIL,i would love to hear it!!)

OP posts:

UnrequitedSkink · 20/11/2010 00:19

What's her reasoning for forbidding her daughter to participate? Is it just because she won;t be there to supervise? Is she likely to be reasonable if you try to persuade her to change her mind?

scurryfunge · 20/11/2010 00:19

Maybe she just needs reassuring. If not, don't take her child.

thequimreaper · 20/11/2010 00:22

How old are the kids? I would say that SIL is NBU if they are all pre-school age as it would be difficult for the 2 of you to supervise 3 kids doing those kind of activities. If the kids are older I think she is BU as things like swimming and cycling are hardly risky are they?
I would tell her that the kids are looking forward to the activities and it would be a shame for her DD to just have to watch and see what she says. It would be unfair of her to dictate what you can do (within reason).
It's not easy cos whatever you do someone is going to end up disappointed.

Original poster

frgr · 20/11/2010 00:22

according to H she has a blanket ban on that sort of thing (i did know about her daughter being withdrawn from swimming lessons in school, but i didn't know the reason why, i assumed they had bad tution and her mum was going to arrange private lessons if i'm being honest).

i can understand the pony ban, neither mine nor hers have been on a horse before (that's one of my reasons for wanting them to enjoy it - i did lessons for a bit when i was younger and loved it :)), but it can be dangerous, so that would have been fine.

i just hate the thought of spending an entire week wheere mine are upset because some of the things we promised them to do we'll either have to not do.. or let he daughter stay with us and watch! that seems very cruel and not something i'm happy about at all!

all events would be supervised btw. H has promised me a few spa treatments there, but other than the odd half hour or two when i'm not there both of us will be looking after the children 100%.

OP posts:

pjmama · 20/11/2010 00:25

Apologise that you didn't make it clear what type of holiday it was going to be. Then say that obviously it wouldn't be fair for one child to be excluded from the activities you will all be doing, so in light of this perhaps it would be better if her child didn't come along this time. Her choice whether or not to continue to object. Bottom line is that if she doesn't trust you to keep her child safe, then I wouldn't be comfortable taking her on holiday with you anyway.

Quattrocento · 20/11/2010 00:32

I cannot understand any parent withdrawing their children from school swimming lessons (absent SN or health issues). So it sounds as though your SIL is a bit barmy and you need not to take her daughter on holiday. Will be a no-win situation, as you say.

I like the idea of you tactfully explaining that the whole point is that it's activity holiday. No activity pretty much means no holiday.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 20/11/2010 00:33

She's not trying to make you all have a SHIT TIME while sh's recovering and maybe feeling rough, is she?!

Make the offer one more tome, saying how her daughter not being allowed to take part will SEVERELY cramp everyone's holiday, and if she stands firm, then apologise and withdraw the offer on the grounds that her rules will stop your family having the holiday it wants and deserves. She is WAY OTT

YOU ARE TRYING TO DO THE WOMAN A FAVOUR!!

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 20/11/2010 00:35

Please excuse my spelling errors. Damn you, normally useful predictive text!!!

ChippingIn · 20/11/2010 01:04

I would call her (not ask DH to) and tell her that this is what will be happening on your holiday, you and DH will be supervising the children and that it will not be possible for one of you to stay outside of that to mind her daughter so if she isn't happy for her daughter to join in, then you have no option but to leave her at home. End of.

Quite frankly, I'd be relieved if she now said she couldn't come as looking after a child for a parent who is that paranoid is a sodding nightmare.

brass · 20/11/2010 09:54

Do not alter your holiday. You are doing her a massive favour.

Whilst I understand she may have concerns for the safety of her child she cannot expect you to drastically alter your plans for a fun time.

Her choice is to trust you to look after the child whatever activity you are doing or keep her child at home.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 20/11/2010 09:57

And does she HONESTLY think her own brother will put his own kids in such mortal danger that their cousin will be at risk too

What a loon!!!

ballstoit · 20/11/2010 10:09

Seems a bit odd to be so overprotective that she wont let her DD go swimming but to be quite happy for her to go on holiday with people she doesnt trust to keep her safe .

I would agree that you need to present it as a choice that she comes and joins in with the activities or you dont take her. I can sympathise slightly with her about the horse riding but swimming and cycling are reasonable family activities IMO (with helmets/floats as appropriate).

DandyLioness · 20/11/2010 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 20/11/2010 10:27

Agree with Dandy. If she is setting all these preconditions then I wonder if she has control issues over other things - food, hygiene, sleep etc - which will only emerge once it is too late to back out. Your dh needs to make it clear that some of these activities are not really optional if the majority want to do them and that she has to allow you both to act in loco parentis as you see fit, then she can take or leave the offer.

fluffles · 20/11/2010 10:31

for your poor neices sake i would try to persuade your mad SIL... or maybe her husband? could you get the father to give permission for the activities and persuade the mother?

but if it's still a blanket 'no' then you can't possibly take the girl without cancelling all your activities so just tell her that cancelling is out of the question and the girl can't come

diddl · 20/11/2010 10:31

Yup, tell her that you can´t take her daughter then.

BonniePrinceBilly · 20/11/2010 10:38

Just say she joins in or doesn't come. thats it, its all you can do.

Dylthan · 20/11/2010 10:38

Surely teaching a child to swim is safer in the long term. She sounds a bit precious I agree with the majority pull out now before any more demands are made on YOUR holiday.

BTW I would love to have you as a sil mine is a nightmare I will happily have a trade of you for her

JinnyS · 20/11/2010 10:41

I'd definitely tell her that you won't be able to take her daughter as you won't be able to supervise her whilst activities are taking place.

Poor kid

sleepingsowell · 20/11/2010 11:09

How old is her daughter?

brass · 20/11/2010 11:11

Have you looked after her for a length of time before?

sleepingsowell · 20/11/2010 11:23

I think if the child is very young I can see where the SIL is coming from. She is going into hospital and that's scary and it makes you feel vulnerable, specially when you're going to be away from your child. You want to know they're safe and if a very young child is to be taken to do activities she's not done before - well I can see that could make her more vulnerable feeling and anxious really.

louvert · 20/11/2010 11:27

I'm with others in that the holiday is as it is and shouldn't be changed to fit around SIL's anxieties. As a compromise, could you change the hotel dates and have niece at your house for SIL's recovery week? (In light of you saying that you wanted to do something to build your friendship with her). That way, you could still have your hol as planned with own DCs

sleepingsowell · 20/11/2010 11:33

Also you say you're not close and have offered this to build a relationship; another reason why she may be feeling vulnerable about this holiday; going in to hospital and handing over your kid to people you're not even close with.....I can see where I think she's coming from. Maybe a really good way to build a genuine relationship with her is to try your very best to be understanding and 'give' on this issue even if you don't agree with her views?

onceamai · 20/11/2010 12:02

Your SIL needed a break. You offered to take her daughter on holiday with you and yours. Your SIL accepted and before doing so should have asked some questions. Your SIL cannot now call the tune about what happens on this holiday especially if it is a treat on which her daughter is included and you are paying.

Either your niece comes and joins in or she stays at home with SIL.

Have to say I think a bit of mucky, outdoor activity would probably do the kid a world of good. SIL sounds peculiar.

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