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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect more than a present for my birthday?

54 replies

MiapieMum · 18/11/2010 15:35

I'm not meaning should i expect loads of presents or loads of money spent on me, just perhaps:

  • breakfast or a cup of tea in bed.
  • Maybe he could have made lunch instead of me (or at least sat at the table whilst we all finished instead of leaving as soon as he'd finished to go and sort the junk mail)
  • taking the initiative to find a baby sitter so we could go out together
  • not saying ' lets go out for early bird dinner tonight' when he's known for months that I have to go on a course tonight
  • suggested another night when i reminded him about the course instead of just saying 'oh yeah, oh well'.
  • cake? / candles?

Any one of these on its own would be lovely or anything else he could think of that showed he'd put some thought into making me feel special and loved.

He did buy me a lovely present and a card so I know I should be grateful and I am, but if i had to choose i'd rather not have money spent on a present and have the little things throughout the day like breakfast in bed or a birthday cake.

We even had words last year whilst in the supermarket when I suggested we might buy a birthday cake(when i suggested candles it became an argument!)

Am I being unreasonable to want more than just a tangible present on my birthday? To want a nice experience and feel looked after?

OP posts:
Squitten · 18/11/2010 15:38

He didn't want you to have a birthday cake?!
Shock

CocoPopsAddict · 18/11/2010 15:42

YANBU. My DP knows he would be dumped if he didn't bring me tea and champagne truffles in bed on my birthday! Do you make an effort for his birthday?

ENormaSnob · 18/11/2010 15:43

Happy birthday Smile

what does he expect/get on his birthday? Does he just not see the point in celebrating them so just gets the expected pressie and card.

byrel · 18/11/2010 15:45

Do you do these things on his birthday?

LadyViper · 18/11/2010 15:49

My mum went mental five years ago when dad didn't buy her a cake.

The back story was that he had a habit of bringing home cream cakes from the reduced section and it was driving mum mad because she was getting fat, lol, so he very thoughtfully didn't buy her a cake as he thought she wouldn't want one and instead bought a dozen long stem red roses, awww, but she still goes on and on about it

Original poster
MiapieMum · 18/11/2010 15:58

His birthday was last month. When he came out of the shower (he had to work that day) my daughter and I were sitting on on the bed with croissants and pastries, tea, presents, a cake which I'd baked and lit candles and we sang him happy birthday.
I ordered and paid for Thai food that night for us and I also made this '30 things to do before you're 30' quiz /challenge up for him (we've both turned 29).

I do try and make his birthday special.

Last year he said a cake was a waste of money and candles were literally like burning money. I got so mad last year (i was also 8 months pregnant and felt I needed extra special care)that I thought he'd have remembered and come up with something this year.

He did get me a lovely gift which I'm very touched by, it's not like he completely forgot my birthday but i'm just a bit fed up of feeling this way 2 years in a row.

Any advice on how to let him know how I feel without causing a huge row? Or should I just accept it'll always be this way?

OP posts:
nannynobnobs · 18/11/2010 16:02

Cake is yummy and makes you happy... Candles are about 50p!! Bloody nora. How, HOW is a birthday cake a waste of money? If we go down that road we'll all be eating raw vegetables and wearing old bedsheets because anything else is a Waste Of Money.

RoxieP · 18/11/2010 16:03

Thing is with men, you either have to accept them the way they are, or get rid. They just don't change. But YANBU to feel this way. I would! x

deliciousdevilwoman · 18/11/2010 16:07

YADNBU! I am the same. I like a bit of fuss (especially from H). I am a naturally thoughtful person, and H is not, although he is getting better.

Ragwort · 18/11/2010 16:08

Did he really like the celebrations you had planned for his birthday - not everyone enjoys the same sort of thing and although it is lovely if your DH can really understand what you want for your birthday it does sound as though he is doing most things right if he has bought you a nice present. If you want a cake and candles then I think you should be adult enough to get it for yourself rather than 'hoping' that DH will fulfill your needs.

I know my DH would much rather have a passionate night in bed instead of the lovely meal I enjoy cooking for him on his birthday Grin.

Original poster
MiapieMum · 18/11/2010 16:16

@Ragwort; I have thought that recently, that maybe I do things for him that I want him to do for me. He would probably be just as happy with a gift and no extra effort but I like doing things for him. And as he doesn't get the hint to do them back i'm much less inclined to try the passionate night in bed instead of the cake and candles!

I have made myself my own chocolate and coconut cake and put candles on and everything! Some would say that was the 'adult' thing to do others i'm sure would say 'sad' but i'm not going without cake!!

OP posts:
sterrryerryoh · 18/11/2010 16:21

This has made me laugh. Yanbu - it is every woman's inalienable right to be spoilt on her birthday. My (otherwise wonderful) DH is spectacularly crap on my birthday. 2 years in a row, he didn't get me anything - not even a card. He didn't forget, he just didn't get round to it. On my 30th he bought me a wok. That was worse than not getting anything!

I would love dh to "do" birthdays - but he just doesn't. But we are not unreasonable to be a bit miffed when they don't.

Men!

lilyliz · 18/11/2010 17:04

years ago DH and I had not long moved to a house with a garden and I mentioned we would need garden tools for the spring,I got a spade and fork for my birthday.Never happenned again I can assure you but I did'nt expect braekfast in bed or even the cup of tea,he just was'nt the type but I did know I was loved.

lucy101 · 18/11/2010 17:11

My Dh is great is so many ways... but a bit rubbish at birthdays. Over the years he has got better but he is always at a loss at what to buy me (I am a super shopper and very good at buying things for myself!). I have slightly resigned myself to it to be honest as he shows his love in other ways and is great the rest of the year!

He is also a bit surprised when I make a fuss of him at xmas and on his birthday - just think it is the way he is.

colditz · 18/11/2010 17:12

maybe he doesn't feel like treating his adult partner as a six year old girl?

colditz · 18/11/2010 17:14

I honestly think you are being unreasonable, ungrateful - and a bit of a spoilt princess.

You're a grown woman. If you want nice things to happen, make them happen. He bought you a nice present, he clearly loves and appreciates you and you're being very demanding.

piscesmoon · 18/11/2010 17:24

If you want something different you will have to tell him-preferably when all is calm and it isn't anywhere near your birthday.

Original poster
MiapieMum · 18/11/2010 17:30

Thanks Piscesmoon, I think that's good advice. Move on from it and maybe talk to him about it later.

I think you're being a bit insulting Colditz. There's no need to insult me if you disagree with me. And there's no need for sarcasm. If you've something constructive to say then I'm very up for hearing it, after all - the point of this thread was to hear other people's opinions and put my feelings into perspective.

There's never any need to insult.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 18/11/2010 17:34

Some men are just not very good at it and they are not mind readers. I would bring it up when you are happy and relaxed and say that it is the feeling special that is important and doesn't have to cost money-I think that everyone likes to be pampered occasionally.

colditz · 18/11/2010 17:48

I'm insulting you because I've given you my opinion on your behavior???

Could your husband have actually got it right?

Is there any way you'd have been totally and utterly satisfied by the way he handled Your Mindblowingly Important Birthday?

It's very telling that you say you wanted to feel looked after. You don't need to be looked after. You're a grown woman. Why do you want him to look after you when you can do it yourself?

It's a birthday, not the day before you die.

You asked everyone's opinion on whether you are being unreasonable - well, you are being unreasonable.

colditz · 18/11/2010 17:49

If your husband is anything like about 95% of the population, I wouldn't bring it up ever or you won't even get a present next year, he'll give up.

colditz · 18/11/2010 17:50

As for sarcasm - I'm not being sarcastic. Wanting breakfast in bead, birthday cake and candles, singing, in fact anything more than a card, a gift and a kiss, is expecting to be treated like a little girl who needs to be looked after.

thisisyesterday · 18/11/2010 17:54

OP, my dp is exactly like this too, and it makes me sad as well

you would think that if you loved someone you would WANT them to have a really special day wouldn't you?
but apparently not

pottonista · 18/11/2010 17:54

What the others said. It partly depends how you're brought up - some families 'do' birthdays, making things special, decorations etc - and some don't really.

Slightly off-topic, but my DP told me that on his 18th he had to go sit an A level first thing so thanked his family for the gifts and said he'd open them when he got back from the exam. When he got back, they'd taken all the presents away because he'd been so 'ungrateful'. He never got a party. Sad

If you want a fuss, and your DP doesn't know it, don't expect him to be telepathic. Explain in words of one syllable, gently and kindly, and be as specific about what you want as you can. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that none of us come with a manual and if your DP is the kind of guy that reads the manual it's no use asking him to guess.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/11/2010 17:55

Half of me agrees with Colditz. Most men just don't take the initative on stuff like this, or realise that their other halves would appreciate some effort. Half the time I don't think men are that bothered by any extra effort we make for them to be honest - such as what you described you did for your husband on HIS birthday.

You got a lovely present so you should be grateful for that. As for a meal out, does HE have to suggest it including what would be a suitable night or arrange the whole thing? Could you not do it, and then just both go out together and enjoy the night of being waited on in the restaurant?

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