Am i being materialistic about my engagement ring?

[SevernTrentWater]

Am I spoiled?
My fiance and I picked out an engagement ring together as getting engaged was something we discussed after many years together rather than having any proposal (i'm very disappointed about this however but oh well, that's life). I made it very clear that I wanted a good quality sapphire or Ruby because these are my favourite stones, however in reality these were slightly out of our price range.

We found a few rings and we ended up getting the ring he liked (i agreed to it mind you, I was feeling stressed and had to choose something we could afford and it looked like the best thing), it was a high-end aquamarine with some diamonds. I don't like it. It looks like a blue topaz from ebay. Now I have had it resized and it's on my finger, i can honestly say I can't wear this for the rest of my life because it's not my dream, it's not romantic somehow. (Although I am starting to feel that the fact he set me such a strict budget and understand why the colour of gemstone (not the cost!) matters to me, suggests we are incompatible long term anyway.)

If he'd gone out and proposed to me without any prompting, with a cubic zirconia and silver ring I would have loved it because of the meaning, but as he was reluctant to get engaged at all, I just at least wanted something I considered beautiful!

Am I being totally unreasonable to want him to exchange the ring for one I do like that is more expensive?

Money is tight right now, but I know we could have afforded just a little extra. He won't upgrade it later on either as he said he would initially.

Am i just horrible and materialistic?

I think that this is really about what this ring symbolises to you... it doesn't symbolise a forthcoming wedding does it? It isn't an engagement ring because he isn't making a commitment to marry you is he? That must be very painful and I think you are distracting yourself with thoughts of 'upgrading' etc.

I don't think this man is ready or willing to marry you and I think you need to address the bigger problems.

He doesn't want to get married, you only want a ring that you consider expensive and beautiful enough to make up for the fact he didn't even really want to get engaged.

Yes you are being 'horrible and materialistic' and I wonder if you should even be considering marriage.

I think YANBU to want to wear a ring for the rest of your life that you really like. If your dp has set a budget then you either need to stump up the rest out of your own money or why not choose a ring that has your ideal setting/cut/colour stones, but slightly less high quality stones? No one will really notice.
I'm not going to comment on your relationship because only you know whether it is a good one or not. Some men are just a bit crap about getting round to things and it doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad guy or that he doesn't love you and that your marriage is doomed to failure.

My lovely DH (off his own bat - proposal was a totaly surprise) proposed to me with a beautiful very simple diamond ring from Aspreys that (I am guessing) must have cost over three times his (moderate) gross salary.

It's not the cost of it that makes me feel so fond of it but rather the fact that it is an object of beauty and it reminds me what a catch my DH is - (1) he saved up for months and spent a lot on it, because he wanted to show how much he valued our engagement, and (2) he has such good taste and such knowledge of my taste that he bought the perfect ring without any input from me at all. It fit too as he measured my finger while I was asleep.

Makes me forgive the socks dropped on the floor and all the other little niggles.

You say your DP doesn't want to get engaged, so why ARE you getting engaged? Why do you want to get engaged to someone who doesn't want that? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Your DF may be rather put off by your insistence on a particular ring. To him, it might seem the ring is the important thing to you, not him.

Anyway, if you really can't afford your dream ring, then you really can't afford it, can you?

I have an engagement ring that is not what I really wanted, and which DH and I pooled our resources to buy. DH didn't get the whole engagement ring thing but he was happy to get one because I so wanted one. However, he did say he just wasn't prepared for us to get into debt over it, because ultimately it wasn't important enough. I respected that. So, give and take on both sides. Now after all this time I do love my ring.

Like other posters it seems to me there is a really bad dynamic at work here. You do come across as having been a bit spoilt and demanding over the ring. be modern. If you want more, pay for it. And if you've effectively coerced him into getting you a ring and are trying to coerce him into upgrading it, what will your ring really symbolise beyond your ability to nag him into doing things for you?

OP I am really sorry that you don't ilke your engagement ring. Is your fiance really reluctant to get married or like my husband and dragging his feet due Peter Pan complex. You don't sound stupid so I am going to go with the assumption that while it hasn't come across in your original post you do actually love each other and plan to get married. When you do you realise that the things you were sweating beforehand aren't really anything to do with the fact that you love each other and want to be together for the rest of your lives.

From an aesthetic point of view, I don't think you are being unreasonable - if you don't like you don't like it! It's a shame but surely not that unusual. My friend was not keen on her engagement ring and made sure that her wedding ring was one that she would love. She keeps the engagement (rather diplomaticaly) for special occasions now.

I chose my engagement ring but hardly wear it as one of the stones fell out and I became paranoid about it!

When it was coming up to our 10th wedding anniversary, DH suggested he buy me an eternity ring. It is truly beautiful and I wear it all the time.

To me the important rings are my wedding ring (never take it off) and my eternity ring (as it symbolises the fact that we are still together!).

I am sure you can get an upgrade in a few years time!!!

I get that if he's been a bit reluctant to get married you might want a grand gesture to reassure you that he really means it, rather than what you experience as nickel and diming. But ultimately the ring is just a metaphor. This isn't really about what you spend. If he's unsure, and you're insecure about his commitment, it won't ever matter how much he coughs up, you'll still have that niggling doubt.

I'd address the insecurity and ambivalence you both have around commitment, rather than stickling about the ring.

Bringing the thread back to life...did you get married then?