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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being materialistic about my engagement ring?

59 replies

SevernTrentWater · 17/11/2010 23:21

Am I spoiled?
My fiance and I picked out an engagement ring together as getting engaged was something we discussed after many years together rather than having any proposal (i'm very disappointed about this however but oh well, that's life). I made it very clear that I wanted a good quality sapphire or Ruby because these are my favourite stones, however in reality these were slightly out of our price range.

We found a few rings and we ended up getting the ring he liked (i agreed to it mind you, I was feeling stressed and had to choose something we could afford and it looked like the best thing), it was a high-end aquamarine with some diamonds. I don't like it. It looks like a blue topaz from ebay. Now I have had it resized and it's on my finger, i can honestly say I can't wear this for the rest of my life because it's not my dream, it's not romantic somehow. (Although I am starting to feel that the fact he set me such a strict budget and understand why the colour of gemstone (not the cost!) matters to me, suggests we are incompatible long term anyway.)

If he'd gone out and proposed to me without any prompting, with a cubic zirconia and silver ring I would have loved it because of the meaning, but as he was reluctant to get engaged at all, I just at least wanted something I considered beautiful!

Am I being totally unreasonable to want him to exchange the ring for one I do like that is more expensive?

Money is tight right now, but I know we could have afforded just a little extra. He won't upgrade it later on either as he said he would initially.

Am i just horrible and materialistic?

OP posts:
Thingumy · 18/11/2010 00:06
RumourOfAHurricane · 18/11/2010 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Niceguy2 · 18/11/2010 00:08

One of the best statements I ever read seems apt here:

Some people want to get married and some just want a big wedding. I suspect OP is one of the latter. You seem more concerned about the romantic notion of how it all should be, rather than concentrating on building a life together.

Do yourself a favour. Finish it now.

Thingumy · 18/11/2010 00:08

When have sapphires or rubies been 'in'?

BitOfFun · 18/11/2010 00:10

My engagement ring is a vintage sapphire and diamond one. Much nicer than Princess Diana's though.

Thingumy · 18/11/2010 00:19

I'm sure your ring is lovely BOF.

My views on sapphire rings kinda changed when my mother bought one from a local jeweller for £300.

We all thought it was a paste/fake job.

Turns out it wasn't and was worth £3.5k

I would of auctioned the bugger.

Nice as it is,it's still a bit 80's bling.

Kaloki · 18/11/2010 01:11

"(Although I am starting to feel that the fact he set me such a strict budget and understand why the colour of gemstone (not the cost!) matters to me, suggests we are incompatible long term anyway.)"

Erm.. of all the things to base long term compatibility on, this is a winner! But seriously, he didn't want to get engaged and you are worried about the ring? I really really hope you two can take some time to think about what you both want before getting married, because otherwise (based on admittedly scant information) you are setting yourself up for a bad fall. :(

You do come across as materialistic a little, but I suspect you are focussing on the materialistic side rather than the emotional side for a reason. Please don't rush into this.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 18/11/2010 08:39

Rubies and sapphires are meant to signify blood and stormy waters..... Says it all really!

getabloodygrip · 18/11/2010 08:46

You were desperate for a ring, you got one, despite your DP's reluctance.

Now put up and shut up OP, sorry to be so blunt, but you are seriously horrible and materialistic (your own words).

YABVU.

Your poor man!

chandellina · 18/11/2010 08:50

YABU, deal with it, and maybe you will get a ring you love further down the line.

i got married with a cheap gold band from Argos - there was no engagement - but got an eternity ring and another special ring later on ...

do i sometimes wish i'd had a proper proposal and diamond? sure but 10 years with a man i love and still fancy dull the pain.

ApocalypseCheese · 18/11/2010 09:00

what the hell is the difference between a saphire and a diamond then ???? Confused

ave always wondered that Wink

whatdoiknowanyway · 18/11/2010 09:02

er- this is 2010? We're all supposed to be equal now.

What's wrong with 2 'grown up' people deciding they want to spend the rest of their lives together? Why does there have to be a proposal? Why does there have to be a ring? You're short of money, get some perspective!

BTW, what does your fiance want? If you are so upset that he isn't taking your wants into account, what are you doing to make his life better? Cuts both ways - well it does in marriages that survive...

thekidsmom · 18/11/2010 09:08

Oh dear... there's more to this than meets the eye.

If the idea of marrying this guy, even if he gave you a lump of coal to put on your finger, doesnt thrill you enough to not even notice the ring, he's not the right guy...

We got engaged when DH was a student (I had just started working) and we chose the ring together to his budget and I still wear it every day.

Imagine if Kate Middleton had said " but I want my OWN ring!"......

GMajor7 · 18/11/2010 09:12

YABVU! Aquamarines are gorgeous! So are Blue Topaz!

Ariesgirl · 18/11/2010 09:14

Why on earth does a ring matter so much to you? How odd! Surely it's the marriage that's important. You sound like a spoiled teenager.

BudaisintheZONE · 18/11/2010 09:17

Actually I can understand how OP feels. My DH is totally not romantic in any way shape or form. We got engaged and married without him proposing. I know he loves me and wanted us to be together but would have lived a bit more romance involved in the process.

When it came to us getting engaged I had seen a ring I loved and we went to look at it but it didn't suit my hand. I then tried on lots of rings and picked one he liked more than I did but I was conscious that there was a rugby match on that he wanted to get home to watch! The ring I chose was a 3 stone diamond ring from Ratners. Which a month later was called 'crap' by the owner of the shop! I never loved the ring.

We lived in Vietnam years later and I upgraded my ring. Still 3 stone diamond but this has diamonds I picked and each one sympolises something - one was my birthday that year, one was surviving 6 years in Vietnam and the middle one (which is slightly bigger) is for DS as I was PG with him when I got it. This one I love. I wear it every day and will never change it. Which is just as well as DH says that for another upgrade I will need to upgrade husband too!

So OP - if you really don't like the ring I would be honest. Tell him you love either sapphires or rubies and are prepared to have a smaller stone if necessary but would rather have a stone that means more to you.

MaudOHara · 18/11/2010 09:19

YABU on so many levels - you don't like the ring; you pushed your DF into making a commitment that neither of you seem sure of.

If you really want to exchange the ring, why does it have to be one "that is more expensive"

IIWY I would be seriously reconsidering the basis of your relationship.

TheFeministParent · 18/11/2010 09:23

Get rid of the man and keep the ring!!

mistressploppy · 18/11/2010 09:23

YANBU but you've worded your thoughts REALLY BADLY! I'm not surprised you're getting a light toasting!

I do understand your niggling doubt that he just can't 'know' you properly, if he thinks this is what you want - the ring is symbolising your doubts (several posters have pointed this out too). So, you need to come clean and try and explain this to him. But do remember, he might just be a very practical, logical person who will just interpret it as 'I want a more expensive ring', so choose your moment and words carefully. Maybe you really need to discuss if engagement is the right thing for you both??

Good luck Smile

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/11/2010 09:25

if this isnt a wind up .......

then i do understand,you are going to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life

a few friends dislike their engagement rings and i told my now dh that if we did get engaged what ring i would like,we looked at some and he then brought a larger version of the ring i loved :)

if you are going to spend a fair wack then make sure you like it

tbh you did agree to buy it, but i would buy a new one

how long have you been together?do you have kids? do you want to be with this man forever?

ShadeofViolet · 18/11/2010 09:29

YABU, and you sound like a stroppy child!

AprilMeadow · 18/11/2010 09:32

I think you are being a tad U. I chose my engagement ring with my then boyfriend, kind of pushing him to ask me :) It wasnt the ring I had always dreamed of but it was what we could afford 10 years ago and I loved it then and love it now.

I look at my friends engagement rings and am sometime a little Envy of how big and beautiful they are but then i think that its all about you being with the man you love rather than the rock on your finger.

I am a little Shock that you had spoken about upgrading it! I really dont understand how that works... The ring is a symbol of when you make the decision to spend the rest of your lives together, it has a story behind it and the proposal - I will always remember the way dh proposed and chuckle :). A new ring no matter how pretty just doesnt have the same sentiment behind it.

upahill · 18/11/2010 10:02

I think YABU because I honestly don't 'get' rings!

A ring is a ring is a ring to me. I don't wear any and didn't have a wedding ring,even at the service.

However I understand people do like them but surely the engagement ring is a symbolic statement for you to share with the rest of the world your status. Therefore it doesn't really matter what it looks like but what it represents.

superv1xen · 18/11/2010 10:07

OP don't marry him. he doesn't want to get married. sorry :(

this isn't about the ring is it?

2blessed2bstressed · 18/11/2010 10:10

YABU and it's not "romantic" to come on a forum and moan that the engagement ring you basically forced your dp to buy for you isn't expensive enough.