to hate it when people who can't or won't drive talk about "lift shares"

[soggy14]

I'm not talking about friends here who I may offer a lift to but various colleagues/acquaintances etc. who sign up to go somewhere/do something and then announce that they "don't drive" and so need a "lift share". I hate this. It not sharing when it is all give on one side and take on the other.

It seems that not being a driver for whatever reason somehow makes it okay for you to cadge off other people all the time and those of us who have bothered to learn to drive or who have prioritised buying a car are supposed to enjoy having someone else in the passenger seat.

[whatkatydidathome]

I guess that another way to think about whether it is "just a car" is to ask how you'd feel if an attractive and single female collegue asked your partner for a lift each day; or if an unattached male college asked you (change sexes if necessary). I don't think that I'd want dh giving another woman a lift each day so I guess that shows that I do not think that it is "just a car" - it is to some extent more an extension of our personal living space.

[perfumedlife]

soggy YANBU

When I didn't drive I would never ask for a life, ever. If it was offered, of course I offered money, which was never accepted. I can understand that. I drive now, and would not accept money if it was offered (never is ) as its just too awkward. I rarely took lifts, preferred to go under my own steam.

I love the peace in my car, and listening to my audiobooks. I would not appreciate being expected to drive people, especially out of my way. Your boss is out of order.

I hate the way some people offer money, like their hand is glued into their pocket/purse. Its half hearted and grudged and so mean. A sincere person would leave money on the seat when you were busy, but they are few and far between.

Terrible air of entitlement about these days.

[oranges]

wouldliketoknow - if there's no public transport from office to home, how do you get to work? do you walk? I dont drive either and have always made sure I live really, really close to work, even if it means living in a tiny box.

[wouldliketoknow]

list of things i've done for her:

1. i swap every saturday for a month, so she could have it off, different engagements with dp and dc, she would not have the time off otherwise.
   
2. i have stayed longer so she could have a break, nobody else to cover.
   
3. have gone to work on my day off, or the boss would report she fail to go to work and would be trouble for her, not for me.
   
4. i have had many lunches with her, so if she didn't like she is a very good actress.
   
5. i have lent her uniform, when she was without in an emergency.
   

that is just what comes to mind, if she didn't like was not for me lacking to be helpful.

the world doesn't owe me a lift, but it would be nice of her to give me one as she was going to the same place at the same time, so i consider her a cow.

[wouldliketoknow]

oranges, i walk, 20 min, but pregnant and raining.... can sell up and move i'm afraid.

[soggy14]

perfumedlife you are so right :) There are so many people who say "do you want some money for that" (as if you could say "well yes actually") or who say "I must give you my half" and then there is the pregnant pause and no move what so ever to get out a purse. It is instinctive to take anything offered so it is dead easy to give someone money - you just hand it over - they then take it and then you can tell them that it is your share and just refuse to take it back (unless they clearly really don't want it). Please don't all yell at me now for wanting money for everything :) I don't. I just saying that if you feel that offering petrol money would be appropriate then there are right and wrong ways of doing it :) (and this applies to everything - I have a friend who always pays for lunch with a card - I hand her my share in cash whereas another friend does the "I must give you some money" thing so first friend just always ends up subbing her (and hates it).

[wouldliketoknow]

there have a and chill out, those inferior beings unable to drive....fgs

[anotherbrickinthewall]

as a non-driver, yanbu. you can't just assume someone will rock up and transport you when making arrangements. If I can't get somewhere on public transport, then I don't arrange to go there, or get a cab to the nearest station.

[oldraver]

I occasionlly gave a lift to another Mum as she lived on my way home with a divert of a 1/2 mile or so onto her estate. Another Mum started doing the "oh come on, xxx, will have to walk home in the rain".. "oh look at these, lucky people with cars who dont have to walk"

I got friendly with first Mum and a quite a few times she came with me to the next town shopping. Then I got "Oh I know you have done your Christmas shopping, but would you like to go to . I have some things I need to get for DH, it will be a nice day out". Then there were other requests which translated inot me driving 50 odd miles or so

[whatkatydidathome]

wouldliketoknow you seem to be taking this very personally - can't you just accept that not everyone wants to drive other people around; that some people see their cars as very personal - almost like a bedroom - ie not public space for show but private space where you can leave sweet wrappers littering the floor and your old country and western tapes out with impunity; and that wanting a lift does not automatically entitle anyone to a lift or make it wrong that an individual does not offer a lift.

If your neighbour were loads richer than you would you expect her to offer you money occasionally when you were hard up?

[trixie123]

there are a couple of people who I often give lifts to and petrol money is rarely forthcoming but one tactic that often works is to fill up while they are with me. When they see I am forking over £40ish quid they usually offer something and I DO accept it. As far as I see it, it helps toward not just the petrol cost but the other running costs of a car and they would have had to spend that on trains etc otherwise.

[pigletmania]

Perfumedlife its up to the person who is recieving a lift how they choose to show their appreciation not you. If i go out with friends and they offer me alift, i buy them a meal or drink, its usually cheapy places we go as we are on budgets.

[pigletmania]

Actually i had a friend who would ask for petrol money when she gave me lifts and i would be more than happy to oblige.

[ivykaty44]

I refuse to share a car/lift with anyone or drive myself and get the bus instead

[atswimtwolengths]

Cost of my car:

£200 per month repayments
£200 per month petrol
£60 per month tunnel fees
£40 per month insurance
Whatever it costs to MOT and repair it
£10 per month or so for road tax

I do give people lifts but I don't like it if people expect them. I love my car (though it's not a great car in itself.) I love the time I spend in it. That hour driving to work and back, when my children were at home, was life-saving. I could listen to audio books, listen to the radio or just think about things. If someone you like has a lift, everything's even better. If it's someone you can't be yourself with, then the journey is ruined.

I have never, ever had anyone offer a penny in petrol money. I've always given a bottle of wine or something similar per journey when I've needed a lift off someone, when my car is being fixed. And I'm broke, always broke, but I do that because I know it's an imposition.

[HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst]

I've brought this up before - the idea that the car is personal space which I may not want to share with just anyone - and also got called selfish etc.

There is an assumption amoung some non-drivers that they do have some sort of generally understood right to be in your car.

I very much like your tv analogy :o

So no, YANBU, at all!

[Appletrees]

YANBU, but I suspect you don't mind offering and being appreciated. You just don't like being taken for granted and people taking the piss. If people offer quite often one can say no to petrol money but it's the fact they've offered. If I was giving lifts regularly I wouldn't ask for petrol money but a box of maltesers every few lifts would be a nice way to say -- I know you don't have to do this for me and I appreciate it.

[soggy14]

pigletmania I think that purfumed life was not saying that she wanted money specifically - just that she disliked it when money way offered begrudgingly in a way which made it hard to accept. Am sure she'd feel that same way about someone who said "do you want me to pay for your meal in return for the lift" rather than saying "I'll get that" whilst simultaniously handing over a credit card/note. One makes it very hard to accept and is just a way of the lift taker getting to feel like they have reciprocated whilst not actually recipricating. The other is fair and fine.

Also in general I'mnot sure that it should be up to the person receiving the lift how they show appriciating. Maybe in a social/friends setting but this converstaion was originally about business/work settings. If someone gives someone else a lift to work and would like money towards petrol in return then that is what tehy should get.

[pigletmania]

Well soggy amongst my friends we do speak like that, we are quite direct and not at all tactful. One of the girls in the group gave me and dd a lift to meet some friends and i offered petrol money she said no that i could buy the meal instead which was totally fine by me. Another friend in the group would say to me, you buy me a drink or two and i will be fine with that. WE have known each other for about 20 years so feel comfortable doing that. .

[pigletmania]

With someone i don,t know well i would just leave some money in their coat pocket or on the seat.

[Appletrees]

I don't find it that difficult to say no these days to stuff and i=I think it's a skill you should practise OP! I always remember phoebe on friends being asked for a favour -- response: Oh I'd love to but I don't want to (big smile). Now I can just say no it doesn't suit.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Before I could drive I had these neighbours whose son went to the same nursery as my DCs. They would often ask me to take him 'as I was going anyway'. I would, even though it was a good 25 min walk with 3 under 3s.

Often I would be walking home [from the nursery] with my two in the snow or pouring rain and one of the couple would drive past with their DS in the car and give me a cheery wave as they went past.

I am a different sort of person now and there is now way they would get away with it but I was young and shy then.

[Appletrees]

What poos, MrsDev.

I think some people (er me) are cautious about lift offering because of the fear that it could become a regular thing. As in, if you say yes this time then it'll be why not next week, and the week after. I think it's a good idea to say no sometimes just to make sure that it's never assumed.

[MillyR]

I agree that a car is an extension of your personal space, as long as you are sitting in it on your drive. As soon as you drive on to a road it is actually a rather dangerous object that is taking up communal space, and if it has some empty seats in it then it is a dangerous object that is causing inconvenience to pedestrians, cyclists and people on buses.

Unless of course you are all referring to flying cars.


I find the whole thing a bit of a catch 22. Lots of people drive, and then they organise events that are only easy to get to if you drive. Then they get annoyed if you say you are not going because it is not accessible by public transport. The obvious answer is to plan events at locations that everyone can get to easily.

But I agree with the OP that people should be gracious and thankful about being offered a lift, and that drivers are not under any kind of obligation to offer others lifts.

[soggy14]

I am happy saying "no" :) - my main objection is when people won't take no for an answer and continue to sulkily hint. However being possibly old fashioned :) I think that it is polite not to put people on the spot. Like with the money there are ways of doing it. You can say "oh I'll be getting a train" or even "I can't go as I don't drive" and allow people to offer a lift rather than saying "oh I live near you so we can go together as I don't drive" which is my pet hate.