to hate it when people who can't or won't drive talk about "lift shares"

[soggy14]

I'm not talking about friends here who I may offer a lift to but various colleagues/acquaintances etc. who sign up to go somewhere/do something and then announce that they "don't drive" and so need a "lift share". I hate this. It not sharing when it is all give on one side and take on the other.

It seems that not being a driver for whatever reason somehow makes it okay for you to cadge off other people all the time and those of us who have bothered to learn to drive or who have prioritised buying a car are supposed to enjoy having someone else in the passenger seat.

[whatkatydidathome]

why not carefully positon something revolting and stain producing on the passenger seat

[dignified]

Sugarray , is it possible to break the routine , can someone else drop them off the odd day , can they be early ?

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

YANBU. I solve the problem by having smelly dogs in the back of the car. Only a few hardened people can cope!

[Kaloki]

YANBU

I remember someone offering themselves a lift in my car once, saying that I could do with the company. Never mind the fact that I am actually perfectly happy driving on my own, and, in fact, prefer it. Somehow they were convinced they were doing me a favour by getting me to chauffeur them! (Three guesses whether they offered to pay towards petrol )

[Appletrees]

Framey: this is what you say.

I can't tonight, I've got something on.

I can't this morning, I've got something on.

And if she doesn't get the message you let her down one day. Be unreliable. Cost her, the way she's costed you.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

I can't drive because of medical reasons. I absolutely hate asking people for lifts and will do my utmost to get to places by myself. i am always hugely grateful when people offer me lifts. This thread makes me feel rather sad about how other people may be perceiving me.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

And I'd like to add, not being able to drive makes me feel trapped and very disadvantaged when it comes to doing stuff. I hate it. public transport is very poor here.

[Rockbird]

OYBK it's not about people in genuine need asking for a lift. I spend half my life giving people lifts, have done for years. My mother doesn't drive. But having watched DH get embroiled in having to give someone a lift to work and back I would never do that. We had to cancel dates ffs because his liftee used to get the hump that DH wasn't going straight home. It got to the stage where DH was asking this man if it was ok if he went out with me on a certain day. Ridiculous. And he never got petrol money.

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

Suggarray, that is bloody cheeky of the woman you give a lift to. Next time she slags off your car I would say "Actually I'm very offended by you saying that. You are more than happy to accept a lift every day". What a cheeky cow!

Does/did anyone else find that if it's someone you work with that you give lifts to, your boss then gets involved and sort of assumes it's your responsibility to get the person to work everyday? When I stopped giving the girl I worked with a lift home every day I got a real talking-to from the boss about how I was being unfair and surely it wasn't that much out of my way to drop her off.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

I agree that having lifts off people every day to and from work can be a nightmare. Too much obligation and resentment builds up even when petrol is paid for.
(sorry this is a really sensitive subject for me - I hate being in this position as i'm such an independent person)

[SuePurblybiltByElves]

I've accepted lifts (never, ever asked for one I don't think) from friends but I always try to pay my way. With one friend this involved an undignified scuffle to leave money every time until I decided it was rude to keep pressing it. So I bought her a bottle of port (that's what she likes ) every so often and left it in the car. And obviously thanked her and was considerate every time (was one to two times a week in term time for a few months). The people who don't offer or thank you aren't non-drivers, they're bloody rude people who can't drive.

As soon as my yearly income is into double figures I'll be driving . Until then I'm not being lazy or tight, I simply cannot run a car. Trust me, I live in the sticks with buses every three hours. If I could, I would.

[Rockbird]

Frazzled, the bloke I mentioned earlier was 'paired' with DH by his boss. Boss said 'ooh look, MrRockbird and MrTitInATrance both live in WibblyWobbly. MrTitInATrance, you can get a lift in every day with MrRockbird'.

MrTitInATrance was a miserable bugger, kept DH waiting in the mornings, moaned all the way and then moaned in the evening if DH wasn't ready to leave on the dot of 5.30. And as I said, we had just started going out (all worked in the same place) and I used to say shall we go for a drink after work and DH would tie himself up in knots because he hadn't cleared it with MrTitInATrance, who got really nasty sometimes about us because of it. This went on for about a year until, after many months of coaching, I finally got DH to tell him that it needed to stop as it was affecting our relationship.

I'm trying to think about it in terms of people I work with, who are mostly absolutely lovely. But I still don't think I could have them in the car for 2.5 hours a day with me.

Odd lifts are different though. I'm always the designated driver and don't mind that as long as I'm allowed to offer and not be press-ganged.

[JaniceSoprano]

Only freaks dont drive when they could.

[LornMowa]

I am currently in a situation with a work colleague who "expects" a lift home (10-45min diversion depending on the traffic) so can sympathise with the OP.

I feel however, we car drivers do have to realise that driving around in our "personal space" does have an impact in the lives of many people. Public transport routes become uneconomic so cutting off the freedom to travel for the poor and those to young/infirm to drive. A look around any town will show you how planners put the needs of motorists first. Shopping centres are located "out of town" even internet shopping is difficult because if you miss the delivery, you will be expected to pick your package up from some industrial estate miles away.

I think as a society we should hold the needs of pedestrians and those unable to drive near to our hearts because one day we might be them.

[soggy14]

OYBK no one has said that they mind offering lifts, especially when someone is genuinely grateful so please do not worry about it. It is the assumption that drivers do not mind chauffeuring that is so annoying and the obligatoin which builds up especially when the initial arrangement is forced upone you either by your boss or by someone who asks in an inappropriate fashion making it impossible for you to refuse.

LornMowa I don't think that anyone can say that car drivers are responsible for the public transport situation. The last time I caught a train - on a Saturday afternoon - 5pm - I had to dodge around to drunken louts who "wanted a cuddle" whilst the station staff all looked the other way. The time before I had to sit in a carriage listening to louts swearing. The time before that the train actually stopped whilst the guard had a big argument with a group of lads refusing to produce or buy tickets. My daughter has to get a bus - I had to ring the company yesterday to complain about the behaviour of some of the people on it. I could go on. Also there are only two buses a week from our village, both packed and both about to be stopped by the council :(

[LLKH]

I'm with OYouBadBadKitten. I don't drive because I have some disabilities that would probably make me an unsafe driver (no peripheral vision on my left side for one thing). I don't ask for lifts and actually get extremely embarrassed when people offer. I live in London which I think actually has fantastic public transport (still grumble sometimes when the Victoria line is out of service at the weekend though) plus it reminds me I have two legs which function quite well and which I don't need to pay a congestion charge for.

That said, I think what OYBBK was trying to say, correct me if I'm wrong, that if the OP thinks that way, then chances are there are many many more people who feel that way so even though neither OYBBK and I are cadgers, we will now be assuming that people will think we are simply because we don't drive. And thus possibly accidentally insult well-meaning people who do offer as we really don't want to be seen as feeling entitled. It's the same reason that, at 35 weeks pregnant, I still don't dare to ask anyone for a seat on a crowded bus or tube.

On a related note, if you do drive, do remember when dealing with pedestrians that you have far more power than they do. You are encased in a heavy metal object that presents the possibility of dreadful injury to them with not quite as much to your car. You are also bigger than they are even if you are in a small car. Most pedestrians are not actively out to prevent you from getting somewhere. Sorry about the small rant, had an experience yesterday where I got a LOOK for crossing at a zebra (is it zebras or penguins which don't have the walk/don't walk signs?) crossing and making a car stop for me for the 30 seconds it took me to cross the street. It scared me because I realised that the guy in the car could have flattened me if he'd chosen. Sure if he'd chosen to do that maybe there would be the chance of a legal settlement, but I'd still have been hurt.

OK, irrelevant bit over. As you were.

[dignified]

LLKH , no ones going to think your a cadger just because you dont drive . If people are worried about being perceived as being entitled , leave a couple of quid on the dashboard , dont ask , just do it . Simple.

[soggy14]

LLKH what people think will always depend on your attitude. I give plenty of people lifts and do not resent it. What I do resent is the assumption that I will not mind giving everyone a lift and that it is no bother. It is (for me) always a bother but in many cases I do not mind bothering and am happy to bother - I just want the fact that I am "bothering" to be appriciated. Maybe take a cooking analogy - if a collegue were ill then maybe you'd double up when cooking a stew and take her round half. However if she then started t turn up at work every day with a tuperware container for the next meal, and never even offered you a penny for ingredients then you'd probably get a bit miffed :). However from lots of the posts here (and from my expereince) this is precisely what can hapen with some people when you first give them a lift.

[whatkatydidathome]

I agree with dignified. It is easy to leave a small gift or some money in the car. If you do that then no one can accuse you of cadging.

I think that part of the problem may be that non-drivers do not appriciate the cost of driving and do not understand that it has gone up so much recently (last few years) so drivers when filling up and spending £40+ a go, then forking out stupid amounts for tax and insurance, get reasonably annoyed when someone expects to be driven around, sometimes daily, for nothing.

[kveta]

this is an interesting thread.

I can drive and DH and I have a car now, so I commute by car since returning to work after maternity leave. I have 5 or 6 colleagues who live in the same town as me, and have emailed them all the times I drive in/leave every day, and said to contact me if they ever need a lift. A few have taken me up on it, which is fine, but it's all being done on my terms, and some of them offer me petrol money, which is kind of them, although I normally don't take it.

my friend can't drive due to a medical condition, but she is such an awful awful passenger, that nobody likes to give her a lift. She tends to slump in the seat like a sack of spuds, put her ipod on, and ignore the driver. No thanks to the driver at the end, and if the driver is late, she gets annoyed. Now, on the face of it, we should want to give her a lift as she will probably never be able to drive. But I don't know anyone who is happy to do so.

Also, I used to drive the minibus for a club I was in. One bloke in the club insisted on sitting in the front, next to the driver, and barking directions at them, when not criticizing their driving. On one trip, after experiencing this several times and being told to calm down by friends, he read out every single road sign on the 5 hour journey (because he wasn't sure if I was paying attention to them ), told me women can't drive, tried to fiddle with the indicators, turned the heating up or down without asking, and generally pissed me off. When I asked where he'd learnt his obviously incredible driving ability, he said "Oh I don't drive, I believe that drivers are the worst pollutants in the world. I just get a lift anywhere I want to go". After one too many signs being read out, I put the brakes on and refused to go an inch further until he was forcibly removed. Funnily enough, we had no bother with him from then on. I also instigated the policy of thanking the driver after the trip, by shouting at some of the rude bastards who just upped and left at the end of one journey. I now have a reputation as a shouty moody woman, but the other drivers have benefited from it too, so it was worth it :)

[soggy14]

kveta this is great if you can do it on your terms but I think that the key word is "need". If someone really needs a lift because of some odd occurance then I'm happy to help but it is when some people who cannot drive (for any rason actually) assumes that some generic car driver will always be available to cart them around. Yes I understand that there are many valid reasons for not driving but surely if one of these applies then the person should not take a job that they cannot get to?

[whatkatydidathome]

I'm always happy to help if someone is stuck - just afraid that it will turn into "every day". It is a real shame that you can end up feeling afraid to help out because people who amke assumptions and take advantage spoil it for everyone.

[dignified]

The problem is it can be difficult to tell who is genuine and who just feels entitled to get a lift. A woman at school who lived a few streets away once TOLD me her daughter would be coming round to mine in the morning for a lift. I had a car full already and dropped off at various schools and nursery , one being miles in the opposite direction , i had to set off at 8.

No problem says pushy woman , just come and get her on the way back ! Over the next few years she bullied other parents into ferrying her daughter around and would rant and rave if that particular parent was ill or had other commitments.

Last week a freind , whos a driver , texted me around 9pm at night " really sorry , stuck at suchaplace , can you pick me up "? No problem says i , gets dd out of bed and sets off for the 10 mile journey . I assumed freind had broken down.

I arrived to find freind on the car park with various shopping bags. I asked where the car was , it was in the garage aparently , and she didnt fancy getting the bus back !!!

If she had asked me previously i would have said yes , but i wasnt pleased at being used as a on call taxi service.

[soggy14]

I'd have thought that it was obvious with pushy woman :) - this is the sort of thing that I was gettign at in my OP. There seem to be plenty of people like pushy woman out there.