to want to deck DH if he gives me another philosophy article to read?

[sethstarkaddersmum]

I have dcs aged 1, 3 and 5 and am a SAHM.

Dh is very clever and very intellectual. I was too once but now I am about as intelligent as a chicken and have a shorter attention span. More to the point, I have several dcs to look after. In the course of composing this post I will have been interrupted approximately 15 times.

He is currently obsessed by bloody sodding Feuerbach (19th century religious philosopher who George Eliot liked) and has been on at me and on at me to read a particular article online. The other day he even printed out a copy and brought it home, which the baby has now shredded and eaten.

AIBU to think the fact that he thinks I can read nineteenth century German philosophers whilst looking after a baby and a toddler means he hasn't got a f*cking clue what my life is like? And to wish he would stop rubbing in the fact that he is still clever and I am not and that he gets to read and write all day?

And if I ANBU, should I throw a very heavy volume of German philosophy at him? Or would cooking it for dinner be a good idea?

Not sure, Seth, but I've managed it for the last 4 years and I am by no means an intellectual (just studying for a degree in psychology with a philosophy minor). Am a pretty crappy parent though, perhaps thats my secret?

I sympathise, as my husband also tries to share his enthusiasms (for science, astronomy, technology and so on). However, I would be wary of describing myself as the 'thick' one in a relationship, especially as you are not, I'm not aware that brain cells die off or that cognitive function declines when you have children, and presumably it's lack of use rather than lack of ability that makes you feel this way. He's using your definition of yourself to be a bit smug, so I'd stop it if I were you.

Some very funny and clever responses on this thread, I have enjoyed them a lot.

I know nothing about philosophy so I'll just ask - did you actually tell him you aren't interested?

Bluegrass I don't know any husbands that write their wives of as being thick the moment they give birth and to be honest, I resent the suggestion. Most of us are pretty clear that our wives became thick the moment we got them pregnant. Now, there's an X-Factor thread somewhere on AIBU for any of you that are interested....

Does he know that you aren't interested, if he does then YANBU

This is what you do.
On Thursday night you ask your husband to print out the article again because the baby has eaten it. Keep it safe.
On Saturday morning, article in hand, you tell him "I am off to Starbucks for some uninterrupted reading, see you and the kids in a few hours"
On Saturday afternoont you come back from Starbucks, (after having skimmed the article)saying "That was interesting, not sure I am so keen on point X, Y and Z. Do you have another article in the same vein for me that I can read next week? Is tea ready"

And you should be sorted.

Either you wont get any more articles to read, or you get a quality morning off on your own with a cuppa and some weird reading materials....

And HE gets quality time with kids, and a wife who reads philosophy.

my dp is very lovely in many ways, does half the childcare, blah blah, but I would love him to be able to discuss obscure philosophical tomes.

He's more into the physics and computing, which is OK but my dream man would definitely be able to discuss philosophy endlessly. While cooking the dinner and changing a nappy.

Very funny posts on this thread, brightened up my lunch no end.

But OP, I think YABjustatinybitU; I think it's sweet that he wants to share something with you that particularly interests him, and I'm assuming that this is the kind of stuff you used to have a mutual interest in (if not, then YADNBU!). Have you actually said to him "God I'd love to have the time and head space to actually read this properly, but I'm so distracted and exhausted with the kids that I feel my brain's gone to mush. Summarise it for me over a glass of wine"?

I'm also assuming that you are able to tell him about the tedious minutiae of your day without him obviously dozing off. If so, then I think trying to show an interest in what's important to your DP is a two-way street. Having said that, I'd have no interest whatsoever in reading said article, and I sympathise if that's not your thing either.

You like to have shacked up with James Mill, then, I think Fennel? Obsessed with philosophy and child-rearing, to a mixed response from dear little John Stuart.

thing is, I would be interested if I could get my head round it.
He has lots of other enthusiasms which I can't get into for various reasons - he's a mathematician actually and I don't even have A Level (would like to do it some time though) so can't understand much of that; tbh he is one of those clever people who can't communicate very well with people below a certain level of knowledge/ability. He often used to say 'It's easy, just like in A Level maths' when trying to explain something and I would be, like 'For the millionth time dh, I haven't done A Level maths!'
He likes military history which I am 1. sneery about and 2. have so little background knowledge that I have to keep interrupting 'What was the Bismarck? What war are we talking about?' etc.
whereas I have actually studied philosophy so could have done all this stuff once. I miss my brain. I have tried to read stuff he has recommended and not been able to understand it even though I would have done easily once, and that hurts. I mean, maybe I have a degenerative brain disease but most likely it is the lack of sleep/time/peace and quiet/practice but there is definitely something that is stopping me understanding stuff I could have done once, it is not just a matter of not wanting to.

Oh, and what QuintisessentialShadows said!

yes, James Mill would be fine . or JS Mill, he's be OK too.

Yes. I can actually imagine JSM changing a nappy.

I sympathise completely. I have almost a full year's worth of BMJs piled in the dining room waiting to be read. I find it difficult to keep up with MN, FGS!!

(In all honesty though, I've read your contributions onthe Feminist board and you are far from chicken brains)

Maybe you should take some time after the kids are in bed to let him help you understand it, if you would like to? Its win win, he gets to talk to you about it, you get to use your brain and feel better about yourself. Whats not to like?

Quint is right...

You're not anaemic, are you? That always wrecks my ability to concentrate on anything.

Deepheat, i love you!

Quinty - spot on! Brilliant response!

IT Serna clear to me that you DH has not caught up with the way that your life has changed. I think that's very common for people who are not the ones to give up a career to raise a family. He needs to start off by learning more about your world, and working on his emotional intelligence. Ok, that last bit is probably never going to happen, but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong!

Then, as the children grow older and you get a little more time to yourself, you can start thinking about doing some of the stuff you used to enjoy.

Very good Quint

deepheat a bit harsh, yes, but the principle is correct. Either he doesn't realise how much your life/interests has changed or he is deliberately doing this to make you feel crap and assert just how much more intellectual he is than you.

You haven't become thick, just possibly understimulated, and definitely rushed off your feet.

Are you actually still interested in this stuff? By that I mean that if you weren't so busy with the children would you actually want to read it? If not, it's OK to admit that your interests have moved on - that doesn't make you stupid!

My husband is obsessed with 'working', I keep pointing out that reading for fun, whatever you read, is not 'working'. I get 'don't interrupt me, I'm working'. I want to scream that just because what you are reading is difficult it does not count as work. I nearly murdered him when he was starting a PhD, I still don't know who put more work into his thesis me or him...

Then he tries to nag me into going back into study, because I now have time for it working part time (because ds sits in a box all day doesn't he?). I am a qualified lawyer who teaches in primary and that winds him up. I don't think a law firm is going to offer the same hours though as a primary school now is it, or be 5min walk away. He can't accept Im happy with my SENCO apparently non-intellectual job.

ARGH

I agree with Mummyberryjuice and Quint.

Please do that.

Or take the feminist book club book to a café instead, and ask HIM to read it to so you can chat about it together?

( wow - never had so many people agree with me before )

I don't see it as him wanting you to feel a bit crap, but him wanting attention and for you to validate him and what HE is doing. He might be a mathematician, and he might be clever, but you have three kids, and possibly not as much time to discuss stuff as before. He just wants to be noticed, and he does so (possibly) by putting forward his intellect.

It sounds to me as though he's just not doing enough of the nappies and washing and pureeing and mopping. Leading to an inequitable pram-brain/intelletual capacity ratio in your household.

You need to bring him down with you, so both of you are only capable of contemplating pureed carrot encrusted on the chairs for a while.