To expect SIL to have money she owes me?

[stac14]

Hi all, looking for a bit of advice. Last year I loaned my sil money to buy a car and get through xmas last year. The agreement was to pay back £50 per month and have the bulk paid back by this xmas for my kids presents. Needless to say she has not managed to pay £50 per month so I told her we needed at least £500 by the begining of December. Dp just told me today she hasn't got it. She is on benefits and I know she struggles but I think on the basis she has always known when I needed the money back for I am not being unreasonable. What do you think I should do?

Pretty harsh "clasydiva" and easy to say 'you were a fool' when you are on the internet. Would you say it so easily to someone's face?

Sorry for the OP, it is a harsh lesson, but it is a little unclear (unless I missed it) whether SIL is ashamed about not having kept to repayment plan or seems undaunted by it? I know my debts are top of my list before any "luxuries".

The intention was good, and I hope SIL had every expectation to be able to repay, but circumstances change. I would simply keep reminding SIL from time to time and say that if they are considering Christmas presents then 250 pounds towards what is owed should be considered with a higher priority than anything for each other or any other people, since you are 'short' by a large amount and it would go some way to repairing the disappointment you feel that money has not been forthcoming.

However I think that you should have been 'on the case' from the Spring if nothing was being repaid, and it might have made some changes to how SIL and her partner spent the summer months...

Unfortunately, you are unlikely to see the money again (they'll probably always have some emergency that will absorb any extra cash), and you certainly won't see it before Christmas.

I think you now have to think about whether the relationship is important to you, and if so, how to salvage it.

It is perhaps a poor substitute, but I'd think about what your SIL/her dh could do to repay you in a different way - i.e. could she do your ironing for a (long) period of time, clean your house every week, do the gardening, childmind and/or babysit your dc, do the school run, etc.

If she is unlikely to ever come up with the cash (and she is unlikely, unless there is an inheritance or she wins the lottery!), she can give you her time/do work for you.....sort of like an indentured servant!

I think it is the only way you won't feel furious every time you see her, and furious every time she/her dh buy (or do) something that is in any way non-essential.

If she values your relationship, surely she would move mountains to repay the money. I would be too ashamed not to make every effort to repay you. Can't she and her partner work every hour they can to work and get the money? Obviously taking it in turns to work if they have children.

"My dp wants to get a loan and make her pay it" WRONG ANSWER

"My dp wants HER to get a loan and make her pay it" RIGHT ANSWER

I doubt someone on benefits is ever going to have £500 lump sum to give you. If you get anything back it's going to be on the drip feed.

i was on the case since spring but was also pregnant with dd so had other things on my mind as you can imagine. What was meant to happen was her dh got a job, but he's a lazy b! I hope she feels remorse but she hasnt gave up luxuries which is what annoys me more iyswim. We dont have the spare cash either but have 3 kids to provide for on 1 income so hardly made of money. I thought i was helping

Sorry - did not know you had been chasing it so long. What sort of things does she spend money on? Could they (for example) sell their TV?

OK, unlikely, but if they spend out on things and seem unwilling to make the effort it may be a family breaker.

Can see you deserve to be repaid but sadly if neither of them is making any effort you might have to write it off to experience...

I suppose if you say "don't ever visit, phone or expect any help in future" it might shock SIL into seeing how disappointed you are. Hard, but a lesson for her and her DH.

One BIL of mine is so disgusted with his brother over past debts and expectations about getting 50% of any cash from sale of family business (which he never put any effort into), my BIL will never speak to him once that sale is finished with and will fight against his brother getting a penny from it (having been in trouble over non payment of VAT years ago, and being bailed out by their Mum, rather than have bailiffs remove items and his house be sold).

Small claims court?

I'd be asking them to take the car to an auction. Do you think they's get a few hundred for it? is it off the road because of major damage or just because they can't afford to tax & insure it?

If she is still spending on luxuries and her DH is too lazy to get a job and you are struggling to pay for xmas, get your DH around there and read them the riot act.

They are totally taking the piss and they are obviously hoping that you will just let it go if they drag their feet long enough. Personally I think you would be daft (in a nice way ) to let this go. It is clearly what they are hoping for.

DO NOT take out a loan and expect them to pay. They won't and you will be stuck with that loan. Will make no difference to them.

If they're not running a car, now's an ideal time to arrange £5-10/week; explaining that they now have less outgoings.

Are you what they would call "well off"; they may well have just stolen it!

What sort of luxuries does she still indulge in that you think she should be giving up in order to repay the debt? What does she say when you confront her?

i cant say on here the exact luxuries but lets just say it hasnt stopped. Wouldnt want to take her to a small claims court. She is now saying their dad will help which is ridiculous as he's a pensioner. She may think we're well off compared to her but we only have 1 wage and of course by the time we pay bills we dont have anymore than her. The problem is i am worried about xmas, we have some savings but this is crap

What about my suggestions on post of 12.20?

If she's your husband's sister he should have been hassling her as soon as the first payments didn't arrive. How much has she paid back? If nothing or only a small amount I wouldn't be wanting much to do with her, but agree withothers that you don't lend money to people with a poor credit rating unless you can afford to lose it and if you are short of cash a car is a stupid thing to buy and it sounds as though she's proved it by not being able to afford to run it.
I would be angry with my husband for not chasing this up more and getting his family behind the 2 of you.

the car was meant to help her dh get more work as his last car broke down, i suppose they are just ok with handouts. She says she will have money but i now have to wait 2wks to see if i've got it. Doubt it thanks for all your help and advice

ask her to sell the car even if it's off the road - those companies that advertise on the radio offer quite good prices for non- runners - i got £1000 from motorhog for my toally knackered citroen, and was offered about £900 by the other ones (webuyanycar)

hadnt thought of those sites for selling cars, thats a great idea thanks

Hey stac, nice thread you have yourself over here

What a crap situation. I disagree with the cynics who say you were foolish to lend the money to start with - it was a kind thing to do. I have lent money many, many times and have never been let down when it came to repayment.

I think you/DH need to meet up with her and explain the situation this has put you in and ask her to come up with a solution. She is an adult, she should be taking responsibility for this, I'm shocked she's not tried to deal with this herself already, or at the very least apologise and explain - way before this point.

Without a doubt, she needs to sell the car, pronto and then agree an affordable repayment plan for the remainder - and actually stick to it.

Really hope you can sort this before xmas.

thanks cakes dp is speaking to her about getting rid of the car so hopefully it will get sorted

Agree you may as well sell the car and get your money back. Then they can owe you the difference ( but you know you'll never get it). It's a crap situation - my father manipulated me into taking out a "car" loan with my bank to pay his rent as soon as I turned 18 and I've been doing that on and off and repaying it myself, until DD was born - at which point I finally decided that I would close my ears to his problems. I've never managed to afford an actual car as it happens .

I don't lend money now, not that I have any.

Have you ever said why the 'new' car is currently off road?

Bad luck OP. Small claims court would be pointless, as even if they acknowledged the loan and your SIL's obligation to repay it (which they may well not do) the agreed rate of repayment would be absolutely miniscule. On top of that, you'd probably have an even more bitter family situation to deal with.

One thing you haven't mentioned is her attitude. Is she genuinely apologetic that she hasn't repayed it? If so, then there may be hope. If she is simply trying to duck the issue then it would be difficult.

I'd tell her that you're very disappointed and would like to discuss repayment at a manageable level. Tbh, I don't see why anyone would need £500 for Christmas - she can just buy smaller/fewer presents. Tell her that you think it is fair that she cuts her cloth according to her means.

If she's on benefits then it means she has money paid into her a/c on the same day, either weekly or fortnightly (possibly with other benefits going in monthly if she has kids etc). I think it is quite reasonable for you to ask her to set up a standing order for a manageable weekly amount to go into your account on the day her benefits get paid. She may baulk at £10 per week, but I'd be surprised if she couldn't find £10 pw savings in her lifestyle somewhere. Good luck either way.

thanks ladies, the car has a bash at the front but its an older car so think it doesnt have much value. Even so there are places that would give her scrap value or spares and repairs.