Resist peer pressure in reception children?

[Karuna13]

DS1 started in reception class this September and the settling in period has gone brilliantly.

But .... although I'm not a hugely strict mum there are things I have strong views on .... like not feeding DS lots of sugary snacks, or encouraging violent gun related play.

But now what I'm hearing from DS is, 'but why can't I have chocolate in my snack box at school, everyone else does' and he's developing a keen interest in light sabres, bombs and weaponry fuelled by seeing the other kids' toys and discussions at school.

Am I being unreasonable to stick to my guns (so to speak!) or am I traumatising DS1's social life by doing this?! ..... or does this whole issue have 'precious first born' written all over it!

What things would you stick to your principles over??

YANBU, I will have the same problem when DS1 starts school next year i expect. Guns are a def no no in our house and i intend to keep it that way.

I think if your views are strong then it's OK to stand your ground. Explain to him why you choose to make these decisions, so it's not just a matter of "no". If it's a matter of buying him appealing toys to flash in the playground then there must be alternatives.

It sounds a little precious: sorry!

I agree regarding the chocolate thing. My mother never put chocolate in my lunch box. My brother and I were allowed chocolate but ceretainly not on a daily basis. With that one, fall back on the best reason ever: because I'm your mummy and I say you can't have it!

With the light sabres, etc, they're only playing. he isn't gonig to turn into a delinquent because of it. Cut him some slack, it's fun. Even I had a light sabre as a child.

I said my DS would never have guns however I relented when he started using sticks as weapons the toy guns where safer, although for a long time he was obsessed with sticks.[boy thing]

There has been research that boys that are allowed to play with guns etc are less agressive than when those types of thing are banned.

A1980 I agree with you, even as I was typing the post I was thinking this sounds SO pfb.

But, they already have a hot school lunch with pudding each day, seem to make cakes / have 'treats' / birthday cakes a couple of times a week. It just makes me think how do I want DS1 to grow up? Hopefully as someone who eats healthy stuff alongside the crap

But what is the impact when your LO has different home rules to their peers?

borderslass .... one of DS's friends has now started describing his banana case thing as a 'banana gun' so part of me thinks I'm fighting the inevitable!

DS has just started reception, he gets a kit kat or such like in his lunch box on a Friday but other than that no chocolate. It doesn't seem to bother him, he's more bothered that he's not having school dinners!

Re the guns thing, I was always adamant that we would never have guns/swords etc and was horrified when he came home from pre-school talking about "gums" and pretending to fire them at me. I've chilled out a lot since then and it led to a chat about what guns do etc and with him telling me that of course he's just pretending etc etc silly mummy thinking its a real gun.

I might be a bit twitchy about actually buying one I think it is just a "boy" thing. These days I even play dead when he pretends to shoot me with his gun made out of lego/bits of toilet roll stuck together etc.

I think if I'd made a song and dance about him not having one/being allowed to play etc it would have been worse, as it is guns are way down on his list of fun things to do and it has passed - so far - as "just a phase" .

Stopping children p[laying with pretend guns and the idea of death is downright damaging, IMO>

Children work through their fears through play. By not allowing that sort of play, you will never give them the opportunity to reduce death from a frightening ogre (anyone might die! Me! Mummy! Daddy!) to something that doesn't need to be obsessed about.

Just re-read again are you saying that the children can take in chocolate for a snack time? YANBU for sticking to your guns there!

DS school have snack in the morning we have to pay 20p a day and the school provide either a piece of fruit or slice of wholemeal toast. They also get free fruit in the afternoon. They're not allowed to take any food in for snacks and are not allowed to have "play food"(i assume sweets?) in lunch boxes. Works well as everyone gets the same, might be worth enquiring at your school whether they have any plans to introduce healthy eating for snack times?

YANBU.

Luckily DS1's school have strict healthy eating policy, no chocolate allowed in school (including chocolate biscuits). No sweets. Crisps allowed only once a month on the first day of the month as a treat. School provides (from council) reception children with milk and fruit, and as he has school lunches he's not allowed to take anything in part from fruit/veggies. (Apart from once a month crisps treat).

I would speak to the teacher and failing that the head because kids should not be bringing chocolate into school.

re: guns. I have had to backtrack on this, he doesn't have a gun but does have a light sabre plus the toy story gun for the wii. Although I don't really agree with it (and always said I'd not allow DC to play with guns, he's a little boy, he likes it and it isn't bad for him,

Actually, aggressive play has apparently been shown to be an important developmental stage. Children who are prevented from playing this way are said to typically have more problems handling their own aggressive impulses in later life.

As mum of two DS the no guns thing really annoys me, putting feminine values onto masculine play, they will find a way to play this way with or without an actual toy gun and as for lightsabers, I have a house full, but the Jedi are the good guys so that's OK ;)

You are right about the chocolate though.

DDs school doesn't allow chocolate, sweets or fizzy drinks in lunchboxes.

I don't buy guns as toys, but children can pick up anything and make it go pow pow. Or maybe that's just me.

All children should have a lightsabre. I think it should be law. There is NOTHING cooler than a child (parent) waving a pretend lightsabre around and going "mmmmmMMMMMmmmm mmmmMMMmmm tssshhhhh tshhhh"

To say "bcause I'm your mummy and I say so" is a cop out and not a good reason.

I understand there might be research etc showing gun play isn't damaging, but I grew up in a household where toy guns were not allowed for me or my brother. To the extent where I remember that when we got a toy gun in the 'pull a string' at the school fair we had to give it back. My brother is now 31 and the least aggressive person I know. We did have play (and some real) fights at home though, so did experience some aggressive play. My brother also went clay pigeon shooting from about 11, so learned about guns as tools, not toys. We also had water psitols, but I never saw them as guns, just something to get your sibling soaked with! I am definitely against toy guns at such a young age. I think as children grow older they understand that guns actually kill, and death is final, etc, but I don't think they're necessary aged 4 or 5.
As for chocolate, I'm quite surprised at the school, as I thought most schools had gone too far the other way these days! I think it's fine to say something like 'We only eat chocolate as a snack on Saturdays in our family' or something like that. Children might not like their own family rules, but they learn to accept them (or make a very good friend with chocolate and share with them without telling Mum! Lol).

YANBU to refuse to promote crap food and guns .....however you are YABU to think that will stop children asking for them. My 5 year old doesn't like sweets and chocolate and has never asked for a gun,but if he had the chance he would eat ice cream for breakfast and go to McDonalds every day ! I agree that just saying "because I'm your mummy and I say so" is a bit of cop out but I don't think you need to give long explanations. DS1 knows that we only eat junk as a special treat occasionally because too much isn't good for you and can make you ill and unfit, as he loves all things sport this is all the motivation he needs. He doesn't need to be told about the gun thing because he hates the concept of people being hurt more than me.......I am waiting for DS2 to get bigger to have that conversation though, as he is nowhere near as sensitive!

YANBU if you feel strongly about these things, and take every opportunity to explain to your DS why you've said No, not just declaring them a no-go topic.

i'm with you on the sugary treats thing though - i often see the little ones at school shovveling all manner of sugary crap down as a form of treat (cupcakes, crisps, cola), i defintiely think kids shouldn't be encouraged in that sort of thing, and i do wonder why some parents think it's ok for a child to have a can of cola on the way to school with their teeth being so delicate/the sort of message about reward food that's being sent

YANBU - my son, now Year 1 had a bit of a "gun play phase". I did not like it and tried hard to discourage it, however, it WILL happen at school, you cannot completely control, but yes do your best at home.

Am pleased to report that actually, the phase really did not last very long at all, he just moved on from it quite quickly. He knows we disliked it at home so he stopped at home, and it seems that the playground games have moved on too....

As for the sugary snacks thing, yes, again, stick to your guns as far as you possibly can. We are fairly strict too - so when they are allowed chocolate buttons or whatever (eg. at Granny's house) it is a really special treat....

However, don't live or die by it, at the end of day he is 5/turning 5 and his reactions and behaviour are completely normal for this age group!!

But yes, YANBU, but don't be unreasonably obsessive about it either, in which case Y might BU!

i was the same about guns but my son in reception will make a gun out of anything. I studied psychotherapy and if you dont let them kill now they will do it as an adult for real. Your sons natural aggression that would have kept him alive in the past needs to find an outlet, that might be sports or going to watch football or playing army.

dont worry you are shocked by it as you are female and probebly cant identify with it

I think you have to compromise a bit. My DS has also just started reception.

The gun issue never occurred to me, I didn't buy my DS a gun because I never even saw any. However, obviously they talk about guns etc because my DS decided that since he didn't have one, he would build one out of lego. He didn't ask me for a gun, he just made one himself to do gun play with. I think it's fine. Little boys play like this.

Re the chocolate - I think you should say to him that it is not healthy to eat too much chocolate so he can have chocolate in his snack box once a week, say on a Friday or something so that he knows.

Whatever you do, you have to be reasonable about it IMO - ie give your DS a proper explanation rather than "because I said so".

"if you dont let them kill now they will do it as an adult for real." ....blimey there's a sweeping generalisation if ever I heard one.

Not true either. It may well be the case that suppression of certain childhood behaviours contributes in some way towards the make up of the adult. But to suggest that every child who doesn't play with guns will end up being a killer is wrong.

Thanks for all the feedback.

I was surprised that other children were having chocolate etc. in their mid-morning / mid-afternoon snacks. Maybe I do need to have a word with the teacher to check out what's really going on.

I think the whole gun thing is coming from being around children who've had totally different experiences. (...Is it really OK for 4 year olds to be watching Star Wars and Dr Who?) DS has only just stopped asking for someone to sit with him if he's watching Lazytown as it's too scary!

I s'pose one angle to what I'm trying to do is help DS enjoy being his age and everything that goes with it rather than rushing to be too 'grown up' and doing everything now that might be better left for later.

.... mmmm, am I already trying to baby my boy??!

I am also surprised about chocolatey snacks, mine having been at a 'healthy' school where they are made to munch on delicious rice cakes and such like. Must be the only school in the country still allowing chocolate!

As for guns, you don't have to buy them for your home if you don't want, but you can't control what/how he plays at school, and you can't stop him turning a stick/pencil into a pretend weapon. I don't personally love replica weaponry around the house, but I don't freak out when I encounter it, my girls recently (in another country where political correctness hasn't yet emerged) played with a plastic machine-gun, I just went 'arrrgh' and pretended to die, they thought it was funny, and left it alone after that. Don't make it a forbidden thing, but you don't need to encourage it either.

Plus lots of programmes such as Ben 10 have lazer guns in. Mine have watched Star Wars (aged about three and four) but that's because my mum shielded me massively from all this stuff, and I found all depictions of violence excessively scary and can't cope with it at all. Like it or not, I don't want to try and protect mine completely, but rather for them to develop their own sense of what's scary, so they've started watching the Sarah Jane Adventures recently as they (now aged 5 and 7) but before, they self-censored it.

I don't see what is wrong with a bit of choicolate in the lunchbox of an energetic young child.We had a dietician come to speak to our school once and she said the main problem nowadays is too few calories in a lunch box.
A four to six year old needs 1800 calories a day
and they only have little tummies.If they have a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast and sandwich piece of fruit and and yogurt for lunch that would be what 800 calories max to llast them til 4 o clock? They'll feel whiney and miserable at school,be starving wwhen they get home from school and devour aall the wrong stuff.