to cry because I can't be a sahm?

[TheBigZing]

I was happier than I've ever been in my life than the year I took mat leave. I adored spending all day with my baby. I never got bored: I enjoyed every minute.

When dd was 1yo I went back to work 2 days pw. It was tough but because I was still at home with her for most of the time, I was still very happy.

Now our circumstances have changed. Dh lost his job. My employer asked me to go back full time. How could I refuse? It's as much my responsibility to ensure we can feed and house ourselves as it is his. So in September I went back full time and dh became a sahd.

In lots of ways we are blessed. I am incredibly lucky to have a job. I much prefer that dd is at home with my dh than sending her to a nursery. Dh does try hard to look after me even though I've said he only needs to look after dd. He does my washing and cooks all my meals.

So why do I feel so wretched that it's not me at home with her? I miss that first year so much I can't think about it without welling up. All I want to do is bring up my little girl myself.

I'm selfish aren't I? Tell me straight. I can take it.

YANBU - it's just the way you feel. Is PT work for you both not an option?

It's been a stressful time for you both and you have suddenly found yourself doing something you didn't expect.

It's understandable you feel emotional at times. You are doing the best thing for your family though.

I think you are being very generous in saying it wouldn't be fair to 'make' your husband look/get a job...and also a bit of a mug.
I'm sure baby is completely fine with dad, but the point is YOU WANT to be in that position. Completely sharing roles is a pretty inefficient way of going along- as a family you'll get further if one of you ploughs that career furrow in earnest- 2 part-timers won't get anywhere (tho' might be a bit masked if you're both lawyers or surgeons I suppose). If you must be the career one, then for goodness sake don't talk him out of doing your washing and other chores! otherwise you'll be doing that all evening and never see dc.

I would be heart broken and would really struggle too. I know a lot of women bang on about dads and mums having different roles these days but what suits them doesn't always suit others. I know some think you should put up and shut up but it must be so difficult not to follow your natural maternal instincts. I'm really lucky to be able to choose to stay at home for a few years while my children are young and know I'm going against the huge pressure/expectation presently put upon women to work. Can you both work part time instead once he finds work? Can you find a better balance even if it takes 6 months?

The same thing happened to me when DS was 14 months old. Just as we were about to try for another baby, and with no plans for me to return to work, DH lost his job and things had to change. I found a job first, and went back full time. I felt like everything was on hold, and it was very hard going from full time SAHM to full time work. What happened with is was DH took a while and regrouped, then found another job, so we both worked FT for a bit (I am a teacher and didn't want to leave my students in the lurch mid year, and anyway, had got into the swing of it by then). Then I had another baby and didn't work for the next 5 years. I planned to go back part time after that, but was offered a great full time job and took it rather nervously. And it has all worked out really well. You have to be able to roll with the punches I think.

YANBU - you are grieving because things haven't lived up to your expectations. This is probably temporary though and before long your DP will have a job again and you will be able to go back to part time and yippee - because of your circs, you'll probably get maternity pay and leave for next time too! Nothing stays the same but the tough times are often made up for by silver linings later.

Hope so for you.

Chin up, Big Zing . You and your DH are doing what parents have had to do for their DC since sprogs were first invented: The Best You Can For Them.
Plus, you never know what time may bring: as other posters have said, both of you doing P/T hours may be an option in the future.
I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM at the moment (only 'cos our mortgage is small - we bought our house in 1996, so more luck than judgement, really!) but DS2 starts school next Sept so I'm going to start looking around for something term-time, because I'd quite like to have my own money again!
the grass is always greener, as they say, eh?

Disagree that sharing roles is inefficient, and that one partner should 'plough the career furrow in earnest' while the other stays at home. Many couples these days really don't want that - and why should they?! It happened in the past partly because women didn't have the educational or career opportunities offered to them now. Far fewer women went to University and some careers were barred to them. Must have led to many a frustrated, under-employed housewife. Thank god the world has moved on since then.

My DH wanted to be a parent as much as I did - I think it would be really strange to assume that I had any more of a 'right' to be at home than him. And I don't think many women pick their partner on the basis of what he earns these days. IMO it's great that men generally want to be hands on these days - and I'm sure it's far more likely to lead to emotionally healthy adults, if we raise our children knowing first hand that their dad is as capable as their mum.

YANBU - I very much wanted to go back to work (albeit part-time) and DH stayed home with the wee ones once my mat leave had finished.

I managed fine (give or take the odd struggle about breastfeeding) until youngest DS started school - and it was at that point I would feel a kind of jealous rage when I saw grannies (not mums, funnily enough!) pushing wee people round in prams as I was on my way to work. I guess for the time I couldn't get back.

Now the DCs are both at school, DH works p/t and I work f/t but closer to home so I can take them to school every day and pick them up 2 days a week - it's working for us. There is a huge element of compromise but it is worth it for the life we have.