to cry because I can't be a sahm?

[TheBigZing]

I was happier than I've ever been in my life than the year I took mat leave. I adored spending all day with my baby. I never got bored: I enjoyed every minute.

When dd was 1yo I went back to work 2 days pw. It was tough but because I was still at home with her for most of the time, I was still very happy.

Now our circumstances have changed. Dh lost his job. My employer asked me to go back full time. How could I refuse? It's as much my responsibility to ensure we can feed and house ourselves as it is his. So in September I went back full time and dh became a sahd.

In lots of ways we are blessed. I am incredibly lucky to have a job. I much prefer that dd is at home with my dh than sending her to a nursery. Dh does try hard to look after me even though I've said he only needs to look after dd. He does my washing and cooks all my meals.

So why do I feel so wretched that it's not me at home with her? I miss that first year so much I can't think about it without welling up. All I want to do is bring up my little girl myself.

I'm selfish aren't I? Tell me straight. I can take it.

Divide the labour well and ensure that your work has the same status as your DH would have had if he were working. My DH works, he gets to do bath and bed, the dcs go crazy when he gets in, they really look forward to seeing him, he gets to do mostly 'nice' parent stuff and so he gets a really good deal.

I felt very jealous of my husband when exactly the same happened to us and I had to return to full-time work unexpectedly with him at home three days a week. I felt like the bond with my dd2 had been broken (we had had a wonderful six months at home before that) and that she would resent me and it just wouldn't be the same as if I was a SAHM. All this turned out to be a load of bollocks, she still thinks I'm the best mum in the world, I still connect with her very strongly (after a bit of an initial wobble), and I don't think it's been anything but positive as she also had lots of great time with her dad. You are STILL her mum, even though you work full-time, and actually, you are a very good mum as you realise there is more than one way to be a good parent, and putting a roof over her head, whilst still being loving and caring, is definitely one of those ways.

I have to say that in your position I would ask my H to go back to work. It is all well and good sitting at home dreaming of working for himself but meanwhile you are miserable.

There should be some sort of time limit to his pondering the future. I think maybe it matters less if he is not keen on the profession he did before - you are going to work when you don't want to, why can't he????

I agree with all the comments about setting a good example to your DD by taking responsibility but it sounds a bit like you are doing this at a great cost to you personally.

I am a SAHM, I have 4 dcs and finally gave up working after number 3 - My DH works in London and with his commute is out of the house for over 13 hours a day. A job has come up in his place, I know he doesn't really want it (he hasn't told me this directly) it is out of his comfort zone big time but he is going to apply for it as it is 15k more. This is because he wants me to be able to stay at home and be with the DCs.

You are of course doing the right thing for your family but please don't cheat yourself out of being at home if that is what you want. e honest with about how bad you feel, I feel he should step up and get a job.

I'm having similar feelings at the moment. When DS was six months I went back to work three days a week, he went to nursery. It's been brilliant ? I've enjoyed working, he's settled in wonderfully at nursery and has a great time there, and I love my two days when it's just the two of us.

However, there's a strong chance DH will be out of work next year, so I've started applying for full-time jobs, and have an interview this week. DS is two now, I know he loves nursery and is well looked after there, but I still feel really sad about the idea of being away from him 'full-time'. But we have no choice.

Agree with wooly. You are doing the right thing for your family at the moment but it must be seen as a temporary arrangement if you are this unhappy.

Tell your DH that he needs to start seriously looking for a job - even if it's part time. It sounds to be like the ideal balance for your family would for you to both work PT. You 2 or 3 days per week and him the same. If your boss is prepared to accomodate you working p/t again, I would insist that DH finds something PT too - even if it isn't the 'dream job'.

Hang on, women that's really shit. So OP should ask he DH to go back to work because a mother is more important than a father? Or because he happiness is more important? What if OP was a man would we still stay the same?

My friend is in a similar position, although she's had to return full time as her boss wouldn't let her go part time. She is grateful that her dh is at home with the baby but soooooooo of him. I can completely understand it and you're not being unreasonable or selfish to feel that way. As someone suggested, find little things that just you can do to have those small moments of special time everyday. On the plus side, my dc's always get more excited when dh comes home then when I do, think they are bored of me :) Oh and the weekends are all about him as well, they can't get enough of him! I know it's hard and will take some getting used to but there are many good points and circumstances may change so it might not be forever.

YANBU at all!

I completely understand where you are coming from wanting to be at home with your child. I went for a job interview yesterday for a job which I really don't want as I just want to be able to stay at home with DD until she goes to school.

My DH is going to be made redundant soon too - I hate the fact it will probably force me back to part or even full time hours

Femenist - no, I think there should be a balance. They should both work PT and share the pleasure of being at home.

It's fine to feel a bit sad, but you have to do what's right as a parent. That means your first priority is to provide food, accomodation etc.

Chin up and stand proud.

I don't think a mother is more important than a father, or her feelings are more important or whatever, but if she's being made very unhappy by being in full-time work outside the home and he would not be (as far as we know he was perfectly content with his situation before he lost his job) then it makes sense to think about other options, such as him making serious efforts towards getting another job. It's not about one person's happiness being more important than the others, but finding a compromise so that if possible you don't have one partner feeling desperately unhappy with their life.

Sometimes of course there's no other option so you just have to make the best of it.

And yes I would say the same if the genders were reversed, or if the two partners were the same gender.

Knackered - I thought equality legislation entitled people to work part time if they so wished??

Will look it up when I have a chance.

My thoughts are that this level of unhappiness may only be temporary though, and based on initial feelings of worry about losing bonding etc. If the OP carries on, gets her career back, and sees that she can still be a great mum and work full-time, she may actually have something very valuable out of the experience.

Of course, if she doesn't, and hates her work, and doesn't mind not working for the next few years, then it's worth renegotiating with her OP. But that doesn't acknowledge the difficulties of staying at home with children, not least, as my husband found, that when you then try to step back into your career, it's much harder, for men as well as women. It's taken him about two years to get the same job as when he left to become a SAHD and has been financially and emotionally very difficult.

I do also think that lots of dads don't really like their jobs and just do them to take care of the family financially, but their gender means they are expected to lump it. I love the way that the dad in this situation is expected to run a business as well as care for a under school-age child, as if he's not actually doing a full-time job already!

And, to be honest, in the current economic climate, you just don't have many choices. I know lots of women who have had to go back to work or up their hours to keep the family afloat. The situation here is pretty much what you get from equality: you both have equal responsibility to finance your family, depending who is the most employable at any given moment!

YANBU. I'm going back 3 days a week in 4 weeks time and dreading it. My DH is retraining at the moment so i have to go back.
You need to tell your DH how you feel. Can't he get a part time job so you can go down to part time too?

I agree that it wouldn't be fair to ask my dh to look for a job. I had a whole year at home with her and another whole year only working 2 days. He's only had the same privilege for 2 months. He loves it and he has a much closer bond with dd already.

I do accept that this is what is best for my family right now. And I do see it as temporary (although I can't quite see how the future will pan out yet - who can??).

Thanks for all your kind words. I will just keep on going and, as someone up-thread said, make the most of all those special moments.

Monty - legislation states you have a right up ask for flexible hours, and your employer has the right to refuse.

OP - why not see if there is some activity/playgroup you can do with DD at the weekends - just the two of you.

I share DD custody and work full time, I see her 8 nights out of 14 and every other weekend. Please don't forget what you have got. Every weekend? Bliss.

Your DH may well decide he likes being at home too so maybe not so temporary as he's not looking for work

As your DH clearly loves being at home as much as you did, then I think it would be very unreasonable to push him to look for work.

As you say , you had a year off, then a year working just 2 days per week - so you've already had 2 years of what you are now begrudging your child's father!

Try thinking about it from your dd's point of view - she's no doubt absolutely fine.

I think you need to be very clear about the fact that being a SAHM was fulfilling YOUR needs, but actually this should be about fulfilling the whole FAMILY'S needs - and keeping a roof over your heads is a very basic need.

I totally sympathise. But I can't believe there are so many sahdads out there! How times have changed. 'A good provider' seems such an unglamorous thing to value in a husband, but I often wonder just how much 'kindred spirit' my dh would have to provide in order for me to swap it for his 'good provider' status. In otherwords, reading all this, I'm so pleased I married a good provider and have a best friend for warm chats!

I think times have changed for the good, because generally, couples don't want such polarised roles any more.

When I was little, mums nearly always stayed home. I knew barely any women of my mother's generation who worked, and those who did, usually had very low status 'pin money' jobs. Fathers, on the other hand, were expected to go out and provide, and took a much less hands on role in parenting, other than to possibly dish out any punishments when they got home.

These days, mums expect to have interesting careers, and dads expect to be active hands on parents. They both want to do both - and that seems entirely healthy and normal. My DH is just as good at parenting as I am, while I'm just as capable of providing as he is - and I think that's the sort of role model a lot of parents want their kids to see too.

Thanks for your comment violethill, but I have to say I begrudge him nothing. I think I made that much clear in my last post. I just miss doing the job myself. I was never happier in my whole life than I was for the first 2 years of my dd's life. I cry about this at least once a week.

YANBU, it's understandable.

BUT I would say, just because you loved being on mat leave for a year does not necessarily mean you would enjoy being a SAHM for the long term as much. You never know, it might be that you'd have got very bored after a couple of years of being a SAHM. Of course you might have loved it, but I wouldn't assume that.

YANBU to feel the way you do. I am also sure most women struggle with having to go back to work (at least most of my friends did).

I'm glad you don't begrudge him, but I do think crying at least once a week is excessive, and possibly unfair on your DH if he witnesses it. He's doing a great job, and it can't be easy for him to see you being so miserable. The danger is that he might start to feel responsible, because he was the one made redundant. Also, your dd, who must be over two yrs now, will pick up on your unhappiness which can't be good. Try to focus on the positives and don't ruin the time you do have at home by being miserable.

I also agree that while you may have loved having a year off, and then a very part time job, you really don't know how you might have felt years down the line. I know many women who loved being at home for a while, but are now very frustrated and unhappy at being left behind in the workplace.