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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frankie Boyle or Me??

31 replies

noniks · 15/11/2010 12:26

AIBU to be v upset and vv angry that DH is choosing to honour a long standing arrangement to go to see Frankie Boyle on Thursday. With a female colleague.

He should be at our second relate session with me. Last weeks was awful (though useful) but I was so desperately upset during and after it...

I am going alone instead - and it's costing me £50 for the privelege because I want to make this work

He is the one with the issue here "I don't know whether I want to be with you / Don't know if I love you /Don't know what I want crap".

AIBU ?

OP posts:
squashedfrogs · 15/11/2010 12:28

YAsooooNBU I would be fuming. I wonder what the Relate counsellor will think of his absence Hmm

squashedfrogs · 15/11/2010 12:28

Good on you for still going though, hopefully you will find it helpful.

narkypuffin · 15/11/2010 12:29

Maybe his choice is telling you all you need to know.

PrivetDancer · 15/11/2010 12:29

Well I think it rather answers the question of whether he wants to be with you or not.

Doigthebountyeater · 15/11/2010 12:29

Leave him. You can't make a relationship work if only one of you is willing to work at it. Why should you? Help him to make up his mind but booting his sorry arse out. I've been there and believe me, being single is a lot easier on the mind than living with a 'confuse' knobhead man. Sorry for your pain noniks.

Original poster
noniks · 15/11/2010 12:41

So - do you recommend an ultimatum?

Boyle or Wife - you choose?

OR shall I go and discuss with counsellor whether I have any marriage left to save?

OP posts:
justwaitaminute · 15/11/2010 12:48

I don't see his going as him not wanting to be with you, I personally wouldn't cancel a long standing arrangement in this instance, (especially as he's only going with one other person and would let them down) and wouldn't expect my dp to either.

I can understand you being upset though, it must be awful with him not knowing if he wants to be with you, I wouldn't read too much into it. Other behaviours yes but not the Frankie Boyle show.

GingerGlitterGoddess · 15/11/2010 13:22

Regardless of how long standing the arrangement, the relate session should be his priority, and he should give his colleague his ticket so she can go with someone else. If he can't see why, then I would seriously question his commitment to resolve your issues.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 15/11/2010 13:34

YANBU

cupcakesandbunting · 15/11/2010 13:35

YANBU and Frankie Boyle is crap so double YANBU.

Shammalamma · 15/11/2010 13:37

hes a nob
and frankie boyle is too

stillbobbysgirl · 15/11/2010 13:41

he has answered his own questions then hasn't he?

why would you want to be married to someone who thought a creep who makes fun of the disabled is funny anyway?

RoxieP · 15/11/2010 13:43

Frankie Boyle is not that funny in stand up. He's funny at off the cuff stuff but his stand up is poor. So no, YANBU.

Shammalamma · 15/11/2010 14:02

Yep. My sister said he was just embarasding. Like a mad drunkard ranting around

TrillianAstra · 15/11/2010 14:09

Can the appointment not be rescheduled?

Whichever arrangement was made first should be honoured.

If he made the Relate appointment when he knew he was already booked then he should bear the cancellation cost or the cost of the appointment.

TheFeministParent · 15/11/2010 14:13

I would go and see relate, this will be good material. the fact your DH is going on a date instead of fixing his marriage would probably be time to call it a day, no ultimatum just end it on your terms.

cat64 · 15/11/2010 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MackerelOfFact · 15/11/2010 14:16

If my DP went to see Frankie Boyle that would be the end of our relationship full stop, regardless of whether it clashed with a Relate appointment or he was going with another woman.

YANBU. He sounds like an idiot. Sorry.

whatdoiknowanyway · 15/11/2010 14:20

YANBU - but I would give the session a go on your own.
I used Relate a couple of times. First time DH would not go with me 'if you want to go I'm not stopping you but I'm not going'. So I went on my own. Got a lot out of it, including good perspective on understanding his condition (underlying problem was a long standing chronic health condition that he was in denial about). Didn't even tell him I was going.
That helped a lot but a few years later needed to go again. This time he came and was v angry when he found out I had been on my own previously. But with the counsellor we worked through. We're still together and both get an increasing amount out of our relationship. We're happy - if it's not tempting fate to say that...

Point of rambling through all that is that I'm sure if I'd posted way back when about the problems we were having then I would have been advised to leave him. I'm so glad I went by myself initially. It really helped to unload and to get strength/coping mechanisms to keep going. I realise this is just one session but it could really help you. 1hour, all to yourself to download issues without him sitting there taking umbrage. Tell it all, take feedback and advice and take strength for the rest o the sessions with your husband.
Good luck

PrivetDancer · 15/11/2010 14:21

Well I like frankie Boyle and would far rather see him than going to a relate session, but priorities and all! Was this the only time the relate session could be done?

feralgirl · 15/11/2010 14:23

YANBU. Hopefully, of the whole audience, Boyle will choose your DP to completely lay into and make him look like the utter spuff-bag that he clearly is.

Use the Relate appt to constructively discuss how you go about leaving him.

Then find yourself a DP who likes Russell Howard Smile

Good luck, and sorry that you're having a horrible time.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 15/11/2010 14:28

so basically he feels more loyalty to the female colleague than to you, more commitment to keeping his word to her, than commitment to his marriage?

I'm sorry, but I think you know you have a problem here, be strong, and GIVE him the ultimatum - if you let him get away with stuff like this then its a slippery slope - based on his lack of respect for you.

pottonista · 15/11/2010 15:14

If you've already decided the relationship is over, give him the ultimatum. He will either come, seething with resentment, and sit there all uncooperative, so you have an unproductive session and he can say 'Counselling isn't working, sod it, this is over'; or else he'll choose Frankie Boyle and you'll have to follow your threat through. Either way it's over.

If you want you and husband to have a chance, tell him you're unhappy about it but let him go for his night out. Then use the solo Relate session to work through your thoughts/feelings straight about his doing that. Then at the next session tell him how you are feeling. He may or may not react in a way that lets you both move on constructively, but at least you won't have burned your bridges.

Original poster
noniks · 15/11/2010 16:03

Relate offered us a weekly appt - no other time available so can't be moved, so I wasn't just booking it then to be bloody awkward or anything, we've been waiting several weeks for this already
I knew it clashed with his gig but had no choice other than lose our regular slot....they're so busy and we needed an evening appointment slot.

OP posts:
GingerGlitterGoddess · 15/11/2010 16:38

What do you think you're going to do noniks? (ha ha have just realised what I think your NN means!!)

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