To tell dd1 her friend is only allowed here during certain times and during those times should only play with the things dd1 is using?

[DooinMeCleanin]

My dc stay up late on a weekend on the next morning we all wake up late and snuggle in bed before coming down for brunch and to watch TV together for a while. This is not happening any more as we are knocked up by dd1's friend, who keeps knocking loudly until someone (usually dd1) opens the door. She knows that if she perseveres someone will have to let her in as the louder she knocks the louder the dogs bark, which is not good at 9/10am when next door have had their baby (and us) awake until 4am.

Once she is in she here for the day and for all her meals and regularly pesters me or DH to turn on the wii or PC or find dd1's ds or loan her our phones to play with.

Normally I am very welcoming of dd1's friends and they are free to treat my home as their own, but I feel this girl is taking the piss now.

This morning she told dd1 that she must be allowed in (even though we were all in bed) because it was cold and she was locked out with no coat (I don't believe this is true btw)

Last night she tried to tell me her mum had gone to bed and locked her out so she must stay the night (also not true) and that she wouldn't be able to sleep alone as her father had cut his finger off and she was too worried about him Last weekend she couldn't sleep in her own house because it was too windy and she was scared (they have double glazing the same as us).

So AIBU to tell her to piss off for a while and let us have some peace? I'm not am I?

Yes. She is a child and the chances are her mother is either sending her round to yours to get rid or thinks you are okay about it. You need to let the mother know that you don't want her child coming round and knocking before X o'clock. Your house, you don't have to let anyone in you don't want. I would also mention the lies she has been telling.

No, but it sounds bloody weird. Are you sure there's nothing wrong at her home?

You need to tell the child yourself and not leave it up to DD1 and then reinforce it by tellling the parent

So

1. you are not allowed here on Sundays
2. we will call and invite you, please do not turn up unannounced
3. if you want to come round then get your mother to call (if child over 10 then of course she must call first) and we will let you know whether it is convenient

No edam I am not sure she doesn't seem to like being there and dd1 tells me when they both go there they are told to go and play out.

Saying that she seems clean, well dressed and well fed and is always at school. She has a lot of siblings so I think our house is quieter (with a lot more gadgets)

I have no problem with her being here most days but I think all day, every day and knocking when the curtains are drawn and we are clearly not up is taking the piss. And yes I know it is her mum and not her fault.

Go round to her house and explain to the parent(s) that you cannot have her there all day every Sunday. Explain that she is welcome to come round occasionally but it must be pre-arranged and that you do not expect to have to provide her with a full day's meals.

And if you do have her back, explain that your DD1 is only allowed certain amount of time on electronic toys and she has already used it up - and that the friend cannot use it when DD1 isn't allowed to as that would be really unfair.

I would be worried about this child if it were me

and before anyone jumps on me, I dont mean abuse, I mean why isn't she snuggled under a duvet on a sunday

why isn't her mum wanting her home when its late

where is her loving home

how old is she?

She is 9. That's why I am asking if IABU Trinity. I find it slightly worrying myself (not to mention odd) but otoh nothing seems to be going on that would concern SS. She is appropriately dressed and it would appear that their is food available to her at home, she just prefers to eat here and her mum doesn't seem to mind that she spends more time here with us than at home.

I don't want to push her away if she is coming here because she feels she is missing out on something at home. But equally she is not my responsibility and I'd like to have some family time myself.

She has already invited herself (and had her invite declined) for x-mas dinner . Surely x-mas is the one day a child would want to be home with her family?

It does sound like shes just not happy at home and prefers your home. You do need to set ground rules but please don't push her out entirely as it sounds like your homes a much better happier enviroment for her.
Perhaps she is trying to gain what she isn't getting at home through your home and your DD.

that would worry me more, that she wants to be with you for xms dinner

I would have no idea what to do tbh

I would probably end up letting her be in my house because I didn't want to turn her out and because it would seem that talking to the parents may only get her in trouble

I would talk to the mum and ask her not to send her daughter round knocking on doors before 12 on a weekend.
If you don't want her regularly staying for lunch (and I think that is reasonable) then tell her you are having a meal and she has to go home now. I would also insist she only play with toys your daughter is playing with. We used to go round and knock on each other's doors when young and I'm not keen on the playing by appointment thing. On the other hand she needs to be told that if no-one answers the door then she should go away and not keep knocking, and if the curtains are closed it means no-one is up yet.

I'd also discuss with your daughter how much she wants to see this girl. She is your priority, not this girl.

You're not responsible for her to the extent of havnig her visits interfere with your family life and you need to separate this sense of responsibility.

You need to talk directly to the child and then to the parents

you can't take on every single sob story - and trying to will destroy your peace of mind

Blimey, she wants to be at yours for Christmas? That's even more worrying. There may be no obvious abuse as in bruises and neglect but something is very wrong here.

YANBU. I wouldn't give DD1 a message or tell the girl herself, but I would have a long chat with her parents about them totally taking the piss by using you as an unpaid childminder without asking first!

As other posters have said, I think she is unhappy at home, but this is not your responsibility- its her parents' job!

Ok, have namechanged for this one so I don't identify anyone.

This dosen't sound right to me, at all.

Putting it bluntly this sounds very similar to what my what sis used to do, she was always at other peoples houses, would camp out as much as she could, would babysit for free....

She was well cared for, well fed, had parents who appeared to care, she was suffering horrendous sexual abuse in the home, as was my elder brother, my other sister, and after I was born, it was my turn.

It happened because nobody asked questions.

It happened because nobody thought it would.

This is ringing alarm bells with me, you owe it to this child to sit her down and ask if their is any reason she does not want to be at home, because it's obvious she doesn't

Dd1 seems to like having her here and does let her know if she feels she is taking the mick with her things.

I think I will try talking to her.

And don't ask the parents, please, ask the child when there is no pressure on her.

My mother once found my brothers abuser in bed with him, she asked my brother if anything had happened, brother of course said no

Apart from that she did fuck all, like a lot of mothers she chose to ignore the signs, it's more common than people realise.

for god's sake do not start to question a child becuase you suspect abuse now

if you really do suspect abuse you need to refer it to someone who is trained otherwise any questions you ask can be used to refute any claims she may have of being abused

any questions you ask may make her situation much worse

the first thing you do with a suspected case of abuse is refer it - not sit the kid down and question her

NSPCC - Social Services - school

a forum cannot and should not be used to take scant details and create an idea tat there is serious abuse afoot

this is extreme

Agree with activate

Dont jump to conclusions.
It is odd.
Her Mum is quite clearly taking the piss.

MaoamMuncher - how awful. I have to say, my first thought was that something is very wrong at home if she so badly doesn't want to be there. Being dressed in clean clothes doesn't mean a child is from a happy, loving home.

DooinMeCleanin - if she feels comfortable in your house and with you, I would try to talk to her - just very gently. Let her know she can trust you. I understand that you don't want her there all the time, but she's a child and I think you should try and find out if she needs help.

Agree you need to speak to the mum direct. The girl will probably turn whatever you say to make it sound as if you are fine with the current way and that you are encouraging her to come over for meals etc (which in a passive way you are). You need to be very black and white about what is acceptable and when, then insist upon keeping to it.

She sounds like she is craving attention and some company of her own age but that isn't really your problem to deal with. If on speaking to the mum you sense there is really is something worng then perhaps pseak to the school or NSPCC for advice, but no need to jump the gun.

i was that annoying kid, there was always someone in my house but i love going to my friends house as it was more fun, and she had all the toys i wanted but my mum couldn't afford.

my mum used to try grounding me, telling me off for being out all day and not coming home for dinner but nothing worked i still wanted to go over my friends house

also with the xmas dinner..perhaps her mum is an awful cook and she likes your cooking better