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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents being twattish?

65 replies

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 07:56

This is quite a long one so apologies,

It's more of a WWYD really with an AIBU thrown in.

DH has a sis who has 2 dds,we have a ds.

We live about 5 min walk from them,sis lives about 15 min walk away.

Sil has always been the favoured one out of her & dh,things like she has never had to pay any keep & yet dh had to pay 1/2 his monthly wage to them,no biggie it made us save even harder to buy our 1st home together.

When we moved in ils bought us a new bed & it cost £180,when sil moved in with her boyf they paid for their deposit.

We got married & ils told us to hurry up & have dcs,we had infertility issues & eventually had our ds through icsi.

Fast forward some yrs,sil had her 1st dd & the yr after we had ds.The yr after that sil had her 2nd dd.

She split up with their dad & sold her house,she managed to rent a lovely house a few streets away from old house & nearer to the school her eldest dd attends.

They are half living at ils house & do everything for the girls & sil.

They have never babysat ds,when my gd died i asked them to look after ds for me whilst i attented the funeral,they agreed but were waiting outside the social club after the service to give him back to us.

Their house is full of pics of them all on their many days out & luckily ds hasnt noticed yet as they have never taken him anywhere,this is not for a lack of asking on our part.

So the recent events which have really pissed me off are,this week we were picking ds up from school & ils friend asked us if 'she had had it done yet?' we looked at her perplexed & she twigged that we didnt know what she was talking about,turns out mil was in hospital having an op of some sort.

She is not in the best of health so this worried us,when we got home i rung their house phone & asked them to ring us & let us know what was happening as we had heard mil was in hospital.

This was 2 days ago & they havent rung us back.

Yesterday i rung round the local hospitals & eventually found her,her named nurse came to the phone & told me that mil had asked her to tell us she was fine & she couldnt tell us anything else.

On Bonfire Night we went to our community centre for the display & they were all there & never mentioned anything about mil having to go in so we really dont know what has happened.

We have been round to their house but fil wont answer the door,we know he is in as their car is there behind their gates.

There is more background,they dont come to ds bday parties ever yet always go to gds,all the toys in their house are aimed at girls,think pink & glitter (fil loves them to be weak feeble girls who cling to him) they have dont their spare bedroom out as the girls bedroom,again think pink & glitter.

So AweBU to think right then sod you if thats how you want to play it?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 12/11/2010 08:54

The more I think about this the more Angry I feel for you all. It is bad enough treating their son and his wife like this but to do these things to a little boy is cruel. They should be ashamed of themselves.

ENormaSnob · 12/11/2010 09:21

Yanbu

fuck em.

CrazyPlateLady · 12/11/2010 09:52

I wouldn't bother with them at all anymore.

Their behaviour is disgusting tbh.

Cut them off, they know where you are if they wish to have a relationship.

ChunkyChick · 12/11/2010 11:33

Cut them off without a backward glance. Their treatment of your ds might cause him to have self-esteem issues and that would be just awful. I would go so far as to say it's your duty to keep him away from these poisonous people.

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 11:59

I agree Chunky - don't let their poison affect another generation.

brass · 12/11/2010 12:10

Just nasty really, rubbing your nose in it. What's that all about?If they think so little of their son why bother at all?

They are certainly enjoying the power trip, treating you like this. You both need to tell them they can do what they like but that you will no longer be an audience.

We had a similar situation with my MIL but not as intense. Lots of insidious comments, the photos around the house, just blatant favouritism.

DH finally had to go round and explain calmly that she was in the wrong and not much of a mother or grandmother if she thought xyz was acceptable (then listed all the recent examples of her behaviour). Ended with him saying if you can't figure it out we will be just fine without you.

The key is not to let them have the power trip or ask (they interpret it as 'need') them to babysit or whatever. DO expect fair, considerate, respectful behaviour and an equal relationship. If they do something for one set of gdc then they should do it for all the rest. This is fundamental, not negotiable in my book.

If you are something less than that then they are not worthy of your precious family.

We had a few months of wound licking but she has slowly been making the effort and now doesn't mention the other dgc's and concentrates on our dc's when we are together. Something I realised during this is that SIL actually compounded the whole thing. She was loving the preferential treatment as it endorsed her sense of entitlement. Had she behaved differently then I don't think it would have spiralled so much. We also had it out with her btw and she is behaving better too.

But I have to say it's left me with a bad taste and I will never be able to trust them again in the way you should be able to trust family or feel it is a safe environment (I am always on guard). But it is more civilised and as far as the children are concerned they have an extended family.

Original poster
CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 12:25

Thankyou all for your comments,it has cleared my head for me & made me realise that actually this time they can do the running.

We refuse to let them treat us like this any longer.

OP posts:
cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 12:28

Well done Cwtchy! Smile

Original poster
CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 12:29

Thankyou Grin

Am going to name change into my Christmas one now.

OP posts:
SalFresco · 12/11/2010 12:32

I think ChunkyChick makes a really good point about how it could affect your son - and you taking a stand by not putting up with their behaviour will be a very positive message for him.

OhCobblers · 12/11/2010 12:43

i agree with ChunkyChick.

I personally have never agreed with putting up with family nonsense (though that is an understatement ref: their treatment of you) just because "they're family".

i'm very sorry for your DH, DS and you when you've all clearly tried. If your DH is in agreement drop them and also pls don't bother with you SIL or her children. they clearly don't care either.

your DS has cousins on your side - invest tine in those relationships (and also your parents) as that is clearly where the love and interest lies (lays sp?).

OhCobblers · 12/11/2010 12:44

time

FindingMyMojo · 12/11/2010 12:49

This is a really sad situation, and I really feel for your DH & DS. These people are behaving extremely twattishly and also giving you a "we don't give a shit about you all" message loud and clear.

I think you are doing the right thing in dealing with this now before the full impact of their nastiness can be felt by DS.

EricNorthmansMistress · 12/11/2010 13:12

They clearly favour girls over boys which is horrible. Your poor DH and DS, I imagine he got this growing up, which is 100% worse than being overlooked by the GPs. I would not force it, your DS will only miss them in his life if you make a big deal about it.

saffy85 · 12/11/2010 15:51

It hurts I know, but like others said get rid of them. You are just prolonging your own family's agony. They don't deserve you. Grandad sounds like a nasty, vindictive control freak who is unhealthily obsessed with his young granddaughters.

If I was their mum I'd be concerned tbh. Don't be to hard on the little girls though, they have been brought up to be this way.

TheWitches · 12/11/2010 16:58

:( My situation is sort of similar to your DH. I started this thread to get some advice and the lovely MN ladies that replied were amazing, so I'm linking in case anything they say is helpful for your DH and you.

After posting on here I tackled my mum about it (in a non confrontational way) and she first denied the behaviour, and then said she would try to change things, but in honesty nothing has really changed. So as a family we made a decision to back off and let them come to us.

This is a long way of saying that I agree with what most people are saying, that it is probably best to distance yourself. My children adore their grandparents, but I can see that they are starting to question their situation and could get hurt, so we have been weaning them off by reducing contact with their GPs and forging closer bonds with DH's side of the family.

Adversecamber · 12/11/2010 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onmyfeet · 12/11/2010 21:27

I wouldn't mention the hospital again. When dh had the snip, we didn't tell anybody. But his dad heard from dh's boss that dh was off "for an operation". He called me to ask what was going on, I was outraged at the breech of confidentiality and told him to ask dh and what was the persons name who told him this. You mil could be having something private done, whatever it is, if she wanted you to know she's tell you.
Other than that, they sound really mean, and I am glad you are not going to sit around begging for crumbs any longer. Let them be the ones to make the effort.

ssd · 12/11/2010 21:29

op, snap

when we got married, we got a £20 gift voucher from in laws

when SIL (dh's sister) got married, she got £1000 cash

go figure

ssd · 12/11/2010 21:32

and MIL wanted us to have a girl as "she is surrounded by boys"...

she has a daughter...

we have 2 boys

ssd · 12/11/2010 21:35

and op you are right, sod them all

thequimreaper · 12/11/2010 21:55

Definitely let them do the running.
Just out of interest what did they say to your DH when he called them on their unfair treatment of him/DS? Do they deny it?
Do lots of fun things with your parents and the cousins on your side of the family. Your DS won't miss out - the in laws don't sound like very nice people tbh and DS is probably better off not seeing them.

FrostyBaubles · 12/11/2010 22:20

I am the op, i have just name changed for Christmas.

They didnt deny any of it quim, the excuse was they knew our ds would be ok with just me & dh but sil needs more help as her boyf was a bit of a loser.

Sil likes playing the little girl lost card to be fair & the ils like to keep her this way.

2rebecca · 12/11/2010 22:24

Agree with above. I also don't see why you, rather than your husband are the one chasing around after your inlaws. If my dad was in hospital I wouldn't expect my husband to be phoning and visiting hospitals etc.
There's alot of "I" in your post that doesn't make sense as these people aren't YOUR parents.
Alot of women seem to want to be queen Bee with their inlaws and push the relationship more than their husbands would.
Ease back and remember they're his parents not yours.
Your MIL doesn't have to tell you about her ailments if she doesn't want to.
It sounds as though they are rubbish grandparents to your kids, but trying to push the relationship won't help that.
Leave them to your husband.

FrostyBaubles · 12/11/2010 22:33

I have been doing the ringing as my dh has been working 12 hr nights.

I realise they are not my parents but after 22 yrs of being in a relationship & married to their ds i like to think i am a part of the family.

I certainly do not want to be queen bee with my ils,i would just like my dh & ds to be treated the same as sil & her dc.

We know that mil doesnt have to tell us jack shit, but she is not a well person & to be honest a general anaesthetic could have fatal consequences for her.

Anyway we have decided to take a step back from them & if they want to tell us anything then they know where we live.

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