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[TheWitches]

Hello everyone, I have namechanged but am a regular.

My Mum gives preferential treatment to my sister and her children. Sister is now a single parent but it was going on long before her circumstances changed. The financial support they give her does not bother me but it hurts that Mum doesn't seem to prioritise spending time with my children. They dote on their grandparents and now they are getting older they notice that they aren't being treated the same as their cousins.

Mum never picks up the phone and asks me if I'd like to go out for a coffee, and I asked Mum and step Dad to lunch last weekend and they didn't even bother to respond. Tonight I predict I will get an excuse that she left her mobile phone at work. Always excuses. DH and I cannot think of anything we have done to upset them.

Back story: Mum remarried when I was a child after my dad died and she had a baby (my sister) with my stepfather. They have always given my sister substantially more material and emotional support, and painted me as able to cope. As a teenager the difference in our treatment became really obvious. After I was raped and had a breakdown, Mum made more of an effort for a while and seemed guilty that she'd given me so little, but otherwise their insistence on me being self reliant became a self fulfilling prophecy. I am on the surface successful with my own business and a lovely family. I love them all and I don't want to hurt them, but I'm not happy with the status quo for my childrens' sake.

Has anyone else been in this position? Some tips on how to handle it would be great, as it's really getting me down today.

[Greenwing]

I really feel for you.
Is it possible that they may just not realise how you feel? Different people's perspectives can vary so much. Have you ever told your Mum?
They may not have a clue how you feel underneath if you have been putting on an act of 'coping' perhaps ever since your own father died.
Is there any chance that your 'coping' could have felt to them that you pushed them away a bit in the past?
Is there any chance that, underneath there is a basic insecurity/sadness/sibling jealousy that your sister has her father but he is 'only' your stepfather.
How old were you when your father died and your mother remarried?
Sorry - lots of questions rather than answers.

[TheWitches]

Thanks for your kind words Greenwing. I was four when my father died and mum remarried about 18 months later, and my sister was born about a year after that.

Mum and I used to have terrible rows about them favoring my sister when I was a teenager but it did not change anything so I gave up. I felt jealous in those days but it doesn't bother me now. My grandmother noticed how they were treating me and fought my corner but she was unable to force changes and she died during my late teens. I haven't broached the subject with mum as an adult but I am thinking maybe I should? My DH is against the idea as he thinks it won't change anything as they are entrenched in this pattern after so many years.

You ask some good questions about how the family viewed my 'coping'. I threw myself into school work, maybe as a way of coping. I went to Oxbridge and the rest of the family left school at 16 and went to work. Maybe that has been a barrier and they now feel that we don't need their input. I would love them to take more of an interest and I also want my children to have the chance of a good relationship with my sister and her children if possible, without any complications. I don't know. Maybe I am hoping for too much.

Thanks for listening.

[TheWitches]

Bump?

[valeria78]

Hi TheWitches my situation is very similar even though my sis and I share both parents and she hasn't got children yet. But wait till she does and I'll be in your shoes! She was always seen as "the fragile one" growing up, and I was strong and independent and therefore not a priority.
When I was pg with dd2 (both parents didn't seem too thrilled or interested, never knew why) my mum asked my sis with tears in her eyes "will I live to see your children as well?".
What are mine, rehearsal kids?? Don't have answers for you, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
x

[TheWitches]

Valeria for you. DSis had her firstborn about a year before me, otherwise mine might have been rehearsal kids too. It's just so sad. Well at least we have an opportunity to treat our own children equally and stop it becoming a pattern of behavior (trying to be positive here).

Have you ever spoken to your parents about it as an adult? I would love to hear the perspective of a parent that behaves like ours to try and understand the mentality behind it, but are parents that can do this to their children self aware enough to be able to do this?

[blackwidowspider]

Thewitches, what was the relationship between your mother and real father like? I say this because I have two children by my H who passed away. The relationship between me and my H was very difficult and he was abusive. My DD (aged12) is very much like him and sometimes almost 'morphs' into him before my very eyes. I find this difficult and have to be very careful that I do not react to this as I find it difficult to love her during these moments ( she projects his abusive attitude ). Thankfully I am aware and can control myself not to react toward her in the way that I reacted toward him, and I know that is about me not her.

[valeria78]

TW, I tried many times to talk about the situation with my parents but they just roll their eyes and say that it's all in my mind, that they're not making any difference between me and my sis. So eventually I gave up and stopped wasting time trying to understand.
I see my parents at sunday lunches, put on a happy face and that's that. I do that for my dds mainly, I want them to have a relationship with my parents and btw dd1 is the apple of my father's eye.
I swore long ago I would never repeat my parents mistakes (don't we all ) so far so good, my dds seem both happy and well adjusted and I am very careful in giving each one the same time, love, etc.
As how I cope, well I found a terrific husband who lives for us, my best friend says he has become my maternal figure!!
You know what, I think in the end daughters like us cope just fine, as we are used to taking care of ourselves...send you a big ((hug))!

[notsocrates]

I agree with Greenwing. You obviously coped with a lot when you were younger (like being raped) and went to Oxbridge which must have taken a lot of spirit and determination if you come from a family where that was not the norm. You now run a successful business and have a lovely family. Might your parents be quite in awe of you and not have a clue that you still require their approval and attention? Perhaps you should have a very open heart to heart with your mother and tell her how you feel. You might be surprised at their reaction - your mum might say that she would love to help you more and see the grandchildren much more but she felt you didn't need/want that.

If you have been through trauma, it can make you seem emotionless because one way you CAN cope with that is to externalise it and disassociate. This could easily be mistaken for strength and independence when it is in reality a defence mechanism.

Alternatively, perhaps you could analyse your own feelings and come to realise that actually you do NOT need parental approval and attention to feel content and fulfilled? You have a lot to be proud of in your life. Maybe concentrate on being a good mother, wife and businesswoman and take your parents as they come. Easier, said than done though, I realise.

[TheWitches]

Hello, sorry I cannot log on here every day, but I appreciate your comments a lot.

blackwidowspider, thank you for sharing your experience, you have given me something to think about. I look like my deceased father and I am told I have a lot of his mannerisms, so perhaps my mum is reacting to that. I don't remember much about mum's relationship with my natural father but it is a possibility that mum is reacting to the parts of me that remind me of my father, perhaps the parts of him that she didn't like?

notsocrates, that's great advice, are you a professional? I have arranged to visit my mum later today. I have to say something, and if nothing positive comes out of it to improve our relationship then I will work out a life without their approval /attention, and try and steer a good course for the children. I have a lot to be thankful for I know. x