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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandparents being twattish?

65 replies

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 07:56

This is quite a long one so apologies,

It's more of a WWYD really with an AIBU thrown in.

DH has a sis who has 2 dds,we have a ds.

We live about 5 min walk from them,sis lives about 15 min walk away.

Sil has always been the favoured one out of her & dh,things like she has never had to pay any keep & yet dh had to pay 1/2 his monthly wage to them,no biggie it made us save even harder to buy our 1st home together.

When we moved in ils bought us a new bed & it cost £180,when sil moved in with her boyf they paid for their deposit.

We got married & ils told us to hurry up & have dcs,we had infertility issues & eventually had our ds through icsi.

Fast forward some yrs,sil had her 1st dd & the yr after we had ds.The yr after that sil had her 2nd dd.

She split up with their dad & sold her house,she managed to rent a lovely house a few streets away from old house & nearer to the school her eldest dd attends.

They are half living at ils house & do everything for the girls & sil.

They have never babysat ds,when my gd died i asked them to look after ds for me whilst i attented the funeral,they agreed but were waiting outside the social club after the service to give him back to us.

Their house is full of pics of them all on their many days out & luckily ds hasnt noticed yet as they have never taken him anywhere,this is not for a lack of asking on our part.

So the recent events which have really pissed me off are,this week we were picking ds up from school & ils friend asked us if 'she had had it done yet?' we looked at her perplexed & she twigged that we didnt know what she was talking about,turns out mil was in hospital having an op of some sort.

She is not in the best of health so this worried us,when we got home i rung their house phone & asked them to ring us & let us know what was happening as we had heard mil was in hospital.

This was 2 days ago & they havent rung us back.

Yesterday i rung round the local hospitals & eventually found her,her named nurse came to the phone & told me that mil had asked her to tell us she was fine & she couldnt tell us anything else.

On Bonfire Night we went to our community centre for the display & they were all there & never mentioned anything about mil having to go in so we really dont know what has happened.

We have been round to their house but fil wont answer the door,we know he is in as their car is there behind their gates.

There is more background,they dont come to ds bday parties ever yet always go to gds,all the toys in their house are aimed at girls,think pink & glitter (fil loves them to be weak feeble girls who cling to him) they have dont their spare bedroom out as the girls bedroom,again think pink & glitter.

So AweBU to think right then sod you if thats how you want to play it?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 12/11/2010 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 12/11/2010 08:01

no yanbu. They ae indeed being twats.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/11/2010 08:02

Agree 100% with SGM. What an odd couple they sound.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/11/2010 08:02

They don't care about any of you.

fuck 'em.

get on with your lives without them.

pozzled · 12/11/2010 08:03

YANBU. If they don't even want to tell their DS that his mother is in hospital, they're not worth bothering with.

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:04

Thankyou so much,i really thought i would be told to suck it up & perservere.

I just know ds will notice soon,he is 4.5,he started school this yr & they havent even been to see him in his uniform.

OP posts:
CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:06

What puzzles me as well is they know how to be grandparents because they manage it with the gds.

My Mum thinks sil may be enjoying it now but she wont when they interfere when the girls are older.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 12/11/2010 08:09

how does your husband feel about this? Has he spoken to them at all?

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:12

It really hurts him & unfortunately he has given up now,he has had words with them on numerous occasions but its water off a ducks back with them.

He says he has never known any different so to him its normal Sad

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 12/11/2010 08:14

I would be inclined to leave them to it and maybe try to make connections between your SIL's children and your son. That way he still has the connection with his cousins and still sees his grandparents at family events.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/11/2010 08:17

That is so sad, your poor DH :(

I agree I just don't think you should bother with them. Can you do more with your parents?

Your DH needs to keep in mind your and your ds are his family now and you love him very much - remind him that you chose to be with him and to have a child with him.

It's never easy being rejected by your parents though :(

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/11/2010 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 12/11/2010 08:18

Stop trying to contact them and trying to do things with them. If your DS never goes to their house he won't notice the pictures or get upset.

Cut them out. They will be the ones loosing out, not you.

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:20

Whenever the children have seen each other the girls dont want to play with ds & hide behind grandads legs,he loves that & then picks them up & sits them both on his knee.

DS is left playing on his own & if he asks gd something the girls say 'no he is my grandad not yours' gd again does not correct them.

Luckily my parents are brilliant,they have 4 gc & they treat them all the same.

OP posts:
cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 08:20

I think also that YANBU and i would just drop contact with them.

My GF was like this, but my GM was lovely and during her lifetime ran around in circles to maintain contact with us despite him. Once she died, however, he made no attempt to contact my mum, dad , me or Dsis, DB.

He has always been like this according to my mum, he has basically ignored her since birth and has done the same to her family.

He is extremely close to my uncle and his family, however. He even gave my aunt (uncle's wife) my gran's engagement ring when she died, which my gran had told him specifically must go to my mum (her daughter). My gran tried to get my mum to take it from her before she died as she must have known he would do this.

He is just a nasty piece of work and we have all decided we are better off keeping him out of our lives.

He has never met our DCs and he never will.

His loss. They don't know him and so don't miss him.

The sad thing is my paternal GF was lovely and would have doted on the DCs. He sadly died just before eldest DD was born so they never met him. Sad

CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:22

So what would you do with mil being in hospital now?

Do we wait for them to ring us or try again?

OP posts:
CwtchyBlueMama · 12/11/2010 08:23

Just off to get ready for school,i'll be back soon.

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/11/2010 08:26

I would for them, I would no initiate any contact with them.

And I disagree I don't think there is any merit in him having contact with his cousins, it sounds like they will just be unkind to your DS and that is not fair on him. Not their fault sadly :(

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 08:26

Op, it must be horrible for your DH. These re his parents, it is so hard to accept your own parents can be so cruel.

My mum tried for years to build a relationship with her father. It was useless, he just did not want to know.

She was far happier when she finally accepted that it was never going to happen and dropped contact with him.

However, he suddenly decided he wanted to come back into contact when he found out she and dad had moved to Spain and he fancied a holiday with free accomodation Hmm

She told him him where to stick it - she told me it felt really good after all those years of shit from him! Grin

QuickLookBusy · 12/11/2010 08:28

Have had similiar issues over favouritism within the family. It really causes anger and saddness.

It must be very difficult as you live so close, so in these circumstances I think your DH should tell them exactly how he feels. You have nothing to lose as they are having very little contact with DS anyway.

If they have got even a glimmer of a heart they might realise how hurtful they are being and actually start including your DS. If they are as ignorant as they sound, at least your DH has pointed out their hurtful behavior, they will know they are the cause of your "falling out"

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 08:29

I also agree your DS will not miss anything by having no contact with your DHs so-called family.

They are all pretty nasty to him and he does not need that kind of crap in his head. It is sad that your DH has had to put up with that, but it could not be helped. Your DS does not need to go through it.

He has you and DH and your family who all love him.

DuelingFanjo · 12/11/2010 08:33

Can your DS maybe see his cousins without the grandparents being there. Maybe arrange some activities with just your SIL's family or invite them round more so that your DS and her DDs can form more of a relationship without granny and grandad being there.

JingleTits · 12/11/2010 08:40

UANBU feckin twunts!!! your son will realise soon and thats not fair, my mum is like this with my DC's so i told her thats it Feck Off! and shes not ever bothered to try to see my DC'c since, although she goes to my sisters house and sees my niece and nephew. Also have another sis with two DC's and she never bothers to see them, even though they are 3 doors away from the sis she does see!!! Grrrrrrrrr

cantdecidewhattodo · 12/11/2010 08:40

Duelling - the cousins are just as nasty as the GPs so I would steer well clear.

Animation · 12/11/2010 08:47

If I were you I'd do nothing. I'd also resist doing anything out of a sense of obligation.

Your DS will be fine - only needs his mum and dad. And if they're happy more's the better.

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