To have already decided that I won't go.. and if so do I say something now?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok - so maybe jumping the gin a bit here and am more than happy for you to tell me to stop worrying till it becomes an issue.....

A very close friend of mine, whom I have been friends with for more than 15 years is due to get married in early spring. Another of our very close friends is being bridesmaid and during a chat we were having the other day indicated that she would be organising the hen do and was looking at weekends away somewhere in Europe in Feb/ early March.

I'm currenlty 38 weeks pregnant so would have a 3 month old baby at this point - my first and I am hoping to breastfeed.

I am very close to the bride - and really want to be there to share this with her and support her before the wedding, but I don't think I am going to be able to given the above - I have a feeling that if I do manage to breastfeed leaving for 2 or 3 nights would not be feasible, and that even if I am not I won't want to leave the little one while its so young (am I being a bit pfb here??)

There hasn't been any formal invite or suggestion about what is being organised - just the chat with the bridesmaid, however the way I feel right now I would decline if asked.

AIBU for feeling this way?
Should I wait and see how I feel closer to the time?
Should I not be so quick to discount it?

Also DP says I should wait until I recieve details of what is planned and politely decline if thats the way I feel, and that friend will understand. I really feel like I would be letting the bride down by not going, and that other friends would think this also. I was thinking of talking to the bride now and explaining my reservations about going away so that when invites come and I do decline she would absolutely understand. What would you do?

*gin - i meant gun! Although after 9 months without booze I'm sure you'll forgive me!

I would wait and see what is organised before you approach the bride to be, they might end up doing something local.

My niece was 2 months old when we went on my Spanish hen weekend and as Dsis was BFing, she declined and I didn't feel let down. My DSis and I did a separate meal with DN locally.

you will not want to go once the baby is here. It will be too small. trust me. !

Talk to chief bridesmaid in case she is organising it as a 'surprise' for the bride - you don't want to give the game away?

You could help the bridesmaid by offering to have a 'do' that would take brides nose off the scent. Quiet meal or few bottles at home (ame for you I'm afraid) maybe a few presents for the bride and everyone early to bed. Bridesmaid works out how to spring the 'surprise' european hen party - last present of the evening as everyone is starting to yawn and say how pooped they are?

Anyway, yanbu, I quite agree you shouldn't plan to go.

YANBU to not want to go. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age, and being in a different country. Some people would be fine with it, but if you are not, then you shouldn't feel guilty for that.

You could just mention to the bride that you will have a new baby and be bf, so won't be going on the hen do. Then she knows and can make arrangements. She may already have assumed that you won't be able to go.

Thanks. As it's my first I thought maybe I was over-reacting. I'm glad to see that I am not the only one who would feel that way.

Bosh - I hadn't thought of that and yes don't want to give the surprise away if that is what it is. I do however, want to have the opportunity to fully explain to the bride as I do feel bad. Also, the bridesmaid does not have children and is likely to be very if I try and explain this to her (not becuase she hasn't children, but because she can be like this sometimes - not very good at empathy/ thinking from others' point of view) and is likely not to understand.

I could suggest to bridesmaid I arrange something - but don't want to step on any toes

I will have a quick word with the bridesmaid about whether the bride knows about the hen do away idea.

I can't see you wanting to leave ur baby. Especially if you breastfeed. I am still breastfeeding my 14 month ol and could not leave her! Lol
Your life will be so different when baby arrives and your focus will be all on baby and that is normal and fine and your friend should understand that and if she doesn't that is not your problem. Little babies need their mums and mums need their little babies!

Talk to the organiser.

But make sure that you are saying 'with regret, I will be unable to attend' rather than 'if you organise a weeknd abroad you are a bitch and deliberately excluding me'.

Actually with a 3 month old baby would yo even be able to attend an old-fashioned knees-up in the town where the bride lives? Possibly not.

My sis came to my localish hen-do for a good few hours with her DD1 who was about 6 weeks old at the time. Her hubby stayed local too so if he/she/baby needed anything, they could change their plans. Only retrospectively though (once I'd had children) did I really appreciate quite what a big thing it was she'd done for me .

I don't think YABU to imagine you won't want to go, but I would keep schtumm for a bit at least and wait for the real thing to be organised, in case plans change...

I don't think you're going to want to leave such a little baby.

If it's in the UK then it's easier (esp if not too far away and you can go just for dinner)

I'd not tell the bride until it's planned, but maybe say to the bridesmaid if it comes up again in conversation that you won't be able to go (but don't push for it to be local to fit round you if that's not what the others want to do, you might not want to go at all and will feel really bad if it's rescheduled to suit you then you don't go).

I missed a good friend's hen do due to a pre booked holiday but found out from the brides sister where they were staying and had flowers arranged to be in the brides room from me when she got there with a note saying sorry I couldn't join them.

In the future, the bride may be delighted to have a good friend with baby experience to help her when she has her first.
So you might not be there for her hen night, but you will be there for her when she really needs you in the future.

At the risk of sounding patronising, you won't want to go-more so if you're breast feeding...! Plus once your lo is born, you won't trust anyone with him/her alone, as only you will know what to do (this will pass when sleep deprivation sets in).

Don't stress about it!

Trillian - no not expecting changes of plan, just feel very bad that I won't be able to join her. TO be honest I think I am more worried about the reaction of the bridesmaid than the bride. I just don't want to be seen as being unreasonable/ being the party pooper/ letting a dear friend down because I decide not to go.

Bubba - yes this is my DPs point. He says why raise it until I know for sure what they want to do. Hmmm - I do see the point that if I raise it now it may look like I am expecting them to change plans because of me - not what I want at all.

Oh I didn't think you were expecting a change of plan, just empahsising that you need to be very clear in your communication so that no-one gets the wrong end of the stick.

I would discount it and I'd say to bridesmaid that if it's a weekend away and not a night nearby you won't be able to go

Oh, yes - I see what you mean. Depending on how I say it, it could come across like that!!!

Thanks all, I was doubting how I was feeling, think I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't being soooo pfb and that people would understand!

Thanks

I went on my best friends hen night when DS2 was about 10 weeks. It was fairly local, I went for the spa part, the fun dress the bride and silly gifts part and the meal and then drove home (about an hours drive). It was a lovely day, it meant a lot to my friend that I was there and DP managed fine. Obv it wasn't abroad or overnight and I wasn't b-feeding. I would wait and see what is organized and take it from there.

If you get to talk to the chief bridesmaid again, could you not say that the more you have been discovering what life is likely to be like after the baby arrives, the more you think that you are really not likely to be able to go away overnight and leave the baby for the first 6 months (or whatever - but leaving plenty of time so that she can't talk you out of it!) and that is assuming that everything goes well (fingers crossed that it does for you) so that is best case scenario.

However, if she is going to organise a local meal out/etc just for the evening or afternoon for the people (for there are sure to be others that can't go because they can't afford it, get the time off work, already got plans etc) then you'd love to go and you're upset to not be able to go to the main hen party abroad.

But tell her upfront in case she is relying on numbers to work out costings and get a group deal so you not being able to go would put costs up for everybody IYSWIM.

and lay it on thick about how difficult the first few months are, the sleep deprivation, getting the feeding established so not able to leave baby with partner if they won't take a bottle occasionally etc etc (again, not wishing any of this on you, but if the chief bm has not got kids then she won't be in a position to argue with you.

and tell her that you'll be thinking of them all out partying at silly o'clock having their champers and cocktails whilst you're being woken up having only had 3 hours sleep in the last 24 hours and all you can drink is a cup of tea and orange squash... anything to drive it into her that the baby is going to be there and you are going to be responsible for it and doesn't matter what she says, you're not going to be able to change your mind to come on the hen trip abroad if that's what it ends up being...

If I was you I'd just wait and see. For what it's worth, I had a fab night out at a concert for my best friends hen when my ds1 was 8 weeks old. I was fortunate in being able to express a lot of milk and my mum looked after him - in fact, that was the first night he slept right through! My boobs were totally engorged when I got back at around midnight and I expressed enough milk for my mum to give him first feed in the morning so I got a long lie too!
I know it wouldn't be for everyone, and it won't help if they do go for a weekend away, but I just wanted to offer an alternative to the other posters who've said "no way will you be able/want to leave baby".
You really don't know how you're going to feel til nearer the time - and you know exactly what the plan is.
Good luck with the baby

Sorry, just checked he was 7 weeks! I think you are being unreasonable to say you won't go now, when you don't know what is going to be organized or how you will feel at the time. You might be wetting yourself to get a night away! Or some time to yourself. If the bridesmaid brings it up again just say you will decide closer to the time.

I'm still b'feeding my over 2 year old and i wouldn't leave her overnight. I went on a party holiday in Europe and made it clear it was me AND the baby and I had a reliable babysitter for the few hours each night we went out. But that was when she was two.

At 3 months that's unlikely to be possible. That said, I did had the odd night out when she was little as we had a housekeeper who she was very familar with and I managed to express enough for one feed (and wasn't old enough to reject a bottle) after about 20 sessions.

I would wait and see

It is probably unlikely that you will want/be able to go if it's far away. But telling them that now (if they haven't cottoned on) will sound like you want them to do something different.

There's bound to be other people who don't fancy/can't afford three nights in Prague (or whatever). You could organise high tea in a hotel or a nice meal locally for sometime afterward (or go off for a spa afternoon with just your mate). You're not letting her down.

Have an alternative plan up your sleeve to spend a little time with the bride, perhaps a bit of a pamper session - get a mobile beautician to come round to your house and do nails for the bride and yourself - open a bottle of wine and let her tell you all her plans.

Yanbu for not wanting to go away when your dc is 3 months old. Regardless of whether he / she is bf or ff you will still be adjusting to parenthood and bloody tired!

I was at the gym a couple of times a week when ds was 3mo and working for 3 hours a week, but you couldn't have paid me to leave him overnight. I wouldn't have been organised enough to pack for a start.