To have already decided that I won't go.. and if so do I say something now?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok - so maybe jumping the gin a bit here and am more than happy for you to tell me to stop worrying till it becomes an issue.....

A very close friend of mine, whom I have been friends with for more than 15 years is due to get married in early spring. Another of our very close friends is being bridesmaid and during a chat we were having the other day indicated that she would be organising the hen do and was looking at weekends away somewhere in Europe in Feb/ early March.

I'm currenlty 38 weeks pregnant so would have a 3 month old baby at this point - my first and I am hoping to breastfeed.

I am very close to the bride - and really want to be there to share this with her and support her before the wedding, but I don't think I am going to be able to given the above - I have a feeling that if I do manage to breastfeed leaving for 2 or 3 nights would not be feasible, and that even if I am not I won't want to leave the little one while its so young (am I being a bit pfb here??)

There hasn't been any formal invite or suggestion about what is being organised - just the chat with the bridesmaid, however the way I feel right now I would decline if asked.

AIBU for feeling this way?
Should I wait and see how I feel closer to the time?
Should I not be so quick to discount it?

Also DP says I should wait until I recieve details of what is planned and politely decline if thats the way I feel, and that friend will understand. I really feel like I would be letting the bride down by not going, and that other friends would think this also. I was thinking of talking to the bride now and explaining my reservations about going away so that when invites come and I do decline she would absolutely understand. What would you do?

I agree that it would be better to say something now. I would actually ask the Bride if she has anything planned for her Hen night/party/weekend/week/month... if she says yes I'd like to do xyz you can talk to her about it and if she says 'No, I'm leaving it up to x, she's going to organise it' - you still have an 'in' to say to her, that with the baby being so tiny you're not going to be able to go if it's not local but would like to do 'x' with her instead if she has the time, then you are letting her know your position well in advance and it's not being 'filtered' through the other girl, who may not explain it as well as you can yourself.

I would talk to the bridesmaid who suggested it and mention that as you will have a 3mo BF baby you will not be able to go abroad, so that she knows when working out costings etc. I would also suggest a local meal as well as the holiday, if she doesn't go for this you and the bride can get together seperately.

FWIW I wouldn't have gone, but by god would I have wanted to. People always told me I would not want to leave my baby but I was desperate and would have loved to have gone away for a few days at the 3mo mark So don't feel bad when the time comes if a little part of you thinks, 'I wish I was there, bet they are having a great time' as I would have done!

Thanks all - your advice has been really helpful. Glad you don't all think I am being a cow though!!

I will be seeing the bridesmaid this weekend, so will try to casually mention that I am likely not to be able to go away - but to keep me in on what she is organising. I will also ask if she was planning to include something for those who couldn't go away - at least that way I will know!!

Chippingin - will also try your idea of casually mentioning it to the bride (of course not letting the cat out of the bag if bridesmaids plans are a surprise) as I would really like to take the opportunity to make sure she knows why and that I would want to do something with her.

I also think that a couple of nights away wouldn´t really work & I would say so now.

Others might not be wanting a weekend away either so it would give them a chance to sy something as well.

You just dont know how you will feel. DD1 was ahem a non sleeper so 3 months in I basically hadnt slept for 3 months so would not really have been in the frame of mind for a jolly overseas. Also you dont know how the feeding will go - I managed to breastfeed but we didnt get the hang of bottles until 5 months so I wouldnt have physically been able to have been away that long. Let alone mentally but know others were more intrepid.Good luck with the birth!

I can totally relate to your dilemma. My problem is different in that I am one of the bridesmaids ~(wedding is three months after due date, and the other bridesmaid who is organising the hen do is also pregnant and due one week before me. We will both therefore have 2.5 - 3 month old babies at the time of the Hen. I feel crap because the other bridesmaid has made all these plans (2 nights in Manchester with clubbing etc) and is making a big play of being a super bridesmaid - and her baby doesn't seem to figure in her planning. I KNOW I won't want to be away from my lo and am willing to attend for the daytime activities on the middle day - but just hate the feeling I am constantly being compared to the other pregnant bridesmaid who is seemingly being a much better friend to the bride. Is she just completely underestimating what it will belike with a tiny baby - or am I being over anxious. I don't know her that well and feel judged already. I don't want to let the bride down and can't help feeling teh other bridesmaid is making more effort. Any thoughts or advice?

oh niffer, i really think she is underestimating what it will be like!! I'm guessing she has no intention of breastfeeding because that would be a logistical nightmare. I still haven't left my pfb overnight and he is 9 months.