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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have a female birth partner

26 replies

lollypoplady · 11/11/2010 20:15

I had my stepmum at the birth of 1st DC, she was excellent, really calm and I felt comfortable with her advice as she's been through childbirth herself. 2nd DC DH was my birth partner (he very much wanted to be there) and much as I love him and wanted him there to hold my hand and witness the birth of his child it wasn't as good as having stepmum there, I could tell he was worried (understanably) & anxious seeing me in so much pain. DC 3 is due in a few weeks and DH really wants to be there but I would rather have stepmum, I could have both I suppose but don't want DH to feel pushed out(no pun intended) AIBU?

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 11/11/2010 20:17

Why not have both? I don't think it's fair to ask DH not to be there.

Firawla · 11/11/2010 20:17

i think have both? that way you have the support you need from stepmum but if dh wants to be there seems harsh to say he couldn't, as it is also his child he may not want others to meet his baby and he has not even been there to meet/see his own baby himself? so both seems the best comprimise. if dh wasnt bothered then it would be fine to have just your stepmum but surely it would impact him quite a bit (negatively) if you say to him that he can not be there

lagrandissima · 11/11/2010 20:18

I had both mother and DH at the birth of my DCs - they worked well together: he helped me with the breathing, mum dealt with the 'business' end (until the MW arrived, a bit last minute!)

It really deepened their friendship, and was great support to me.

KurriKurri · 11/11/2010 20:19

I think what makes you feel comfortable and relaxed is very important obviously. But if possible, I would try for the having them both there option. It would be sad if your DH missed the birth of his child when he so wants to be there. And you might find now that having been through it with you once, he is calmer and knows what to expect. Good luckSmile

Original poster
lollypoplady · 11/11/2010 20:19

Oh I didn't mean he wouldn't be there too, Just think he may feel a bit put out! Have any of you guys had 2 birth partners?

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 11/11/2010 20:20

Well YANBU to want a female birth partner, but you do need to talk to DH about what's worrying you - it's understandable that he wants to be there. I think having both would be a good idea.

I had DH and my mum, needed both of them for different things (and I think my mum helped DH keep calm).

littlesez · 11/11/2010 20:20

I would have both, hubby wanted to be there for my labour to hlp which consisting of not spaking and looking lik this for 3 days Shock but h got me cups of tea and set up the birth pool which was much appreciated. I could not have got through it without my mum though Grin

go for both YANBU to want whoever you want for your labour but if your OH wants to be there he might think YABU to say h can't be

RhinestoneCowgirl · 11/11/2010 20:21

Oh and second time round I had DH, a doula, my mum and two midwives to see DD born Blush (homebirth). Was standing room only in our living room...

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 11/11/2010 20:38

my dh was asleep through all but the very end my hb with dc3, he kind of annoyed me during the first two labours though he is lovely, I was on my own, tik the last half hour, was good.

do what feels right,

tell your dh he would be better rested to help with your other dc!

pointythings · 11/11/2010 21:59

First time round I had DH and my absolute best (female) friend there - ideal arrangement, DH and Best Friend are also close friends so it was great, they could take turns, have the odd break and both be there when things got tough (and they got very tough, it was a fraught birth)

So definitely go for both, your DH may well find that having someone there will help him relax a bit too.

(2nd time round entirely different story as family member due to care for DD1 on the day stuck in traffic, so DD1 left with DH, DD2 born with Best Friend only but so quick it really made little difference Grin. When Best Friend got back to ours, she and DH cracked one a bottle of wine and wet baby's head.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 11/11/2010 22:18

I understand.

I love my OH and really wanted to have him at DC 1's birth but didnt really feel the need for the others.

We wernt together for DC2 so it wasnt really an option and DC3 is adopted Smile

With DCs 4 & 5 I wanted him to be around but not with me all the time.

With DC5 we left him in bed until the last minute and he stumbled in for the important bit.

But OH has MS so cant stand around for hours and I have a 'thing' about medical situations so I like to pretty much get on with things with as little fuss as possible.

scaryteacher · 11/11/2010 22:20

I had my mum and a close friend as dh didn't want to be there, and in the event couldn't be there anyway. It was great for me as the female support was invaluable.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/11/2010 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlsyearapart · 12/11/2010 05:23

For dd1 I only had Dh , with dd2 plan was same but my sister popped to the hospital to see how it was going and I wouldn't let her go. Dd3 my sister was officially there alongside Dh who refused to go unless she was going too!
Great having someone who has been through it before and does stuff like give you sips of water or wipe your sweaty head without being asked to.
There has been a study to show that having a birth partner who has given birth themselves results in person giving birth choosing less pain relief and having an 'easier' time.
If we manage a dc4 and I could only have 1 birth partner it would be my sister over Dh- he would be relieved!

BlooKangaWonders · 12/11/2010 05:37

Have both - have a home birth and everyone will be more comfortable. Your birth partners can come and go as they/ you want.

If it's your third, it'll be fast so no worrying about when to get to hospital, and the other children can be left where they are (if it's at night) or looked after by their dad/ gran in turns.

Sakura · 12/11/2010 05:47

WHen I gave birth at a midwife clinic in Japan, there was one other girl there. When we had breakfast together she told me she was shocked that my husband was at the birth and said she'd never want hers there. (her mother was her birth partner)

I suppose my point is that it's up to you who is at the birth. This is the one time in her life when a woman is entitled to put her own feelings above other people's, yes even her partner's.

Have you ever thought of a doula?

I have also read the study girlsyearapart mentions about women having easier births if they have a female birth partner.

OTOH, my DH was a V good birth partner the first time round. The second time I felt I didn't need him as much and he looked after DD while I birthed alone with the midwife.

One thing I would say, is that some men try to talk to women during the birth, not realising that a big part of being a birth partner is knowing when to step back and leave the birthing woman alone to concentrate.

Your DH might feel better if there was another woman there. It probably feels like a big responsibility for some men, especially because they don't know what it's like to give birth (it must be horrible watching someone in pain)

Original poster
lollypoplady · 12/11/2010 08:28

Sakura just out of curiousity, what was it like giving birth in Japan? I almost had DD1 in Japan but was put off as my friends who had done it in the past (it was quite a long time ago) had been refused pain relief as apparently it is deffo not par for the course there

OP posts:
bumpsoon · 12/11/2010 08:40

I had my best friend as birth partner for dc3 ,it was a home birth so DH was here too ,although in the background , she was so good the midwife said she should be a doula Smile.Unfortunately it all went pear shaped at the end and ended in a emcs ,so she stayed here with ds1 .

Sakura · 12/11/2010 09:16

I wanted to avoid hospitals , and that would have been the case if I'd been giving birth in the UK.

The only pain relief on offer here is epidural, which is freely availble in some hospitals, except that you have to plan it in advance.Yes they believe pain is part of birth and perhaps not to be avoided.

I didn't want pain relief so the system here suited me quite well. Good and bad depending on your philosophy. It's totally normal here to hear of women giving birth in an hour with their second baby and it's probably so common because so many women have drug free births that the chances of these quick births are statistically more likely to increase among the population. (as opposed to the USA which is epidural-happy and has the highest C-section rate in the world)

The other brilliant bit is that you get to stay for 5 nights and are treated like a queen. You're given really nutritious organic food to aid your recovery, massages, that sort of thing

IF things had gone wrong though, I wouldn't have liked have a c-section in a foreign country. Luckily I was okay Smile

Original poster
lollypoplady · 12/11/2010 09:23

Do they not have gas and air or pethedine at all?

OP posts:
Quenelle · 12/11/2010 09:39

Could you tell DH that you get different types of support from him and your stepmum so you want them both there this time to have the best of best worlds?

Sakura · 12/11/2010 09:46

NO, no G&A or pethidine Confused

That's why there was no way I was going to hospital. OTOH, if you're the type of person who wants a natural birth Japan is definitely the place because you can't change your mind Shock

I would describe both births as 'beautiful'

Original poster
lollypoplady · 12/11/2010 09:56

You're a braver woman than I Grin !

OP posts:
Sakura · 12/11/2010 09:57

Not brave, just mad Grin

Abcinthia · 12/11/2010 18:37

I had my mum and my dp with me when I gave birth. I found my mum gave the better support but I did like having dp there.

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