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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cut out a in law from my and DS's life

69 replies

MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 13:13

I have had enough of my sil's violent and threatening behaviour not to mention the serious lies she has told.

AIBU to not want me or DS to have anything to do with her again.
DH agrees with me on this and hasn't really had anything to do with her for years btw

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 11/11/2010 14:12

there is some good advice on here

Cor, it's weird when this kind of coinkidink happens.

welshbyrd · 11/11/2010 14:13

You have given minimal information here for people to comment
Why does your DH not bother with her?

Why have you remained friends with her when your DH has no time for her?

Does she spend a lot of time with your DC"s? Are they close to her? If they were kept away from her do you think they would notice? (in a way, do they see her regular,)

M e and my sisters fall out rarely but we do, however, my dcs would never stop seeing their auntie, and my sister would never stop me seeing my nieces and nephews. Im really close to them, and see them almost daily, have regular overnight visits etc.

ANTagony · 11/11/2010 14:15

Could you make a concerted effort with the PIL's to have regular visits to yours - making it clear that its just them invited, and things like meeting MIL at the shops for outings so not loudly cutting out what is hopefully a teenage phase SIL is going through (only three years to go!) but means MIL doesn't feel cut out and may even not significantly notice you don't pop round to hers.

Get ready with your excuses 'DS has some lovely paintings he'd like to show you, if you come to ours' 'DS is happier playing with all his toys at home and would love you to join in' 'I worry DS will make a terrible mess of yours and you keep it so nice, it'd be easier if you came to us - oh yes maybe you could bring desert' etc etc.

flamingpants · 11/11/2010 14:16

Perhaps not cut ties but distance yourself. I would explain this to her as well and say that her current behaviour is not a good influence on younger children. You respect that she may be frustrated with teenage hormones etc. but until she can learn to be a better role model then you will limit contact / time etc. And that you don't think violence of any kind is acceptable.

Then, wait for her to grow up. So many people regret things from when they are younger, if she changes be open to that. 17 is young. But violent or bad behaviour is inexcusable.

This might (just might!) make her think.

VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 14:33

Have your mil asked her why she is violent? for example when she she went for her stepdad the other day, did he provoke her?

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 15:15

hi sorry havent replied was on the phone with DH.

welshbyrd = dh has no time for her as he has had enough of her behaviour and made his life hell as a child.

When i joined the family I decided to make my own judgements and although i could see she was difficult at times I thought it would do good to be friends and maybe mend the rift between DH and her, but now i can see why DH was so determined.

She see's DS quite a bit, i mean sometimes it would be 3 times a week but then she would not see him for weeks (which is always apparently my fault by the way)
To be totally honest DS doesn't really notice if he doesn't see her as they are not particually close as when ever she did come round to mine she would just stay in the kitchen and smoke and bitch about people to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 15:18

ANTagony & flamingpants = I think that is what I will have to do.

Vinegar she doesnt have a step dad?

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 15:33

you will have to excuse me op, i get Confused easily

she must have still been a child when your dh decided to have nothing to do with her, was there a reason he stopped contact?

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 15:41

You would have to ask him, I don't know if there was one particular thing that pushed him to do that or weather it was all the little things.
To be totally honest He isn't particually close to anyone on his mums side of the family apart from as I said his eldest younger brother.

I mean they all talk and that but compared to me and my mum its not really

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 15:44

she's only 17 though, still a kid really

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 15:47

Yeah I understand that she is still a kid, but does that excuse the language around me DS.

I mean just because she is a kid does that mean I have to like her and want her in my house and spending time with me and my DS.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 15:56

some people are swearers, im one myself, i dont think its a valid excuse to cut her out of your life

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:02

I am too I admit i swear to much and sometimes yes it does slip out in front of my DS,
But when I have some1 in my house that is swearing in every sentence almost every other word is a F&k or a S$t and so on why should put up with it.

I mean you cant say that she doesn't realise she is doing it, and its not like DS cant hear her because she doesn't exactly talk quietly she is a shouter as well as a swearer

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 16:03

thats teenagers for you, they think its trendy, she will probably grow out of it, i think your being quiet harsh on her to ban her just for swearing

or is there more? do tell

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:04

Anyway this isn't the only reason, I would cut some1 out just because they swear to much Hmm

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 16:08

i have to say MrsSheen you have a very unique posting style, i have never seen anyone spell someone as 'some1' (except for the OP of this thread too Hmm)

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:09

xp

OK there is something else and its big and its the underlaying reason that DH has cut her out already, when I think about it I dont know why I have evan tryed with her.

It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Dont want to go into it but she accused him of something very serious when they were younger, if you get my drift and even tho she admitted it wasnt true in the end he has never forgiven her.

Really worried i will get outed now, as i have never said this to anyone never mind put it on the internet Sad

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 16:11
Biscuit
VinegarTits · 11/11/2010 16:11

my advice from yesterday still stands Biscuit

BitOfFun · 11/11/2010 16:13

But you thought you would make your own mind up and be pally with her anyway in the beginning? That must have been a slap in the face for your DP if you believed him to be innocent?

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:13

Im sorry what is the problem now?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/11/2010 16:15

I'm confused, you say your husband wants nothing to do with her and hasn't for years and say she's on his side of the family but you also say she is only 17. If she's your husband's relative and he doesn't like her why are you getting involved?
I wouldn't expect my husband to start getting involved with my family if I didn't want to see them.
I'd back off and let your husband see his relatives and involve them in your life as he sees fit.

Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:15

I am actually sitting her feeling literally sick because of this whole situation and all you can do is throw biscuits and play detective.

Thanks a bunch i thought this forum was all about getting helpfull advice, not to be have a go at

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSheen · 11/11/2010 16:18

oh don't get me wrong BOF I am totally on my DH's side on this but i dont know maybe i didnt want to belive that she could be so selfish.

How wrong was I

So do you think that, this should be it, have nothing to do with her again?
This is gonna be a problem at xmas i fear Sad

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 11/11/2010 16:18

What was wrong with the advice from yesterday?