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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ( actually i know i am) to be a bit gutted about what ex husband has got DD.

51 replies

redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:30

I know i should not care.
I know its not important.
I know all this and still im a bit upset.

Ex husband has got her a new bike, and lots of other things, dvds, books, toys etc. God knows what hes spent. Everything he will give her will stay at his, along with everything his family ( and new girlfriends family) give her. she will get all this on boxing day,

I cant afford all that.
DD wont get a big pile of presents on xmas day, she will just get what i give her. Family will then come round and give her their presents ( but we have a £10 limit)

I know its not about that, but i just feel so crap about it.

DD doesnt even care. if you ask her what she wants she just says the playmobile animals and then she will wait for father christmas to suprise her. ( bless her)

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 13:35

if she doesnt care then you have nothing to worry about, just make christmas day as special as you can for her, its not all about the toys, its things like letting her help put the tree up, baking mince pies, listening to christmas songs, those are the things she will remember when she grows up

if shes anything like my ds, she will open all of your exh presents and then play with the boxes Grin

Chil1234 · 10/11/2010 13:37

Competitive gift-giving is purely designed to make you feel crap so don't fall for it. Children can see through the desperation of parents anxious to buy their love. Money is easy come, easy go... a lovely mum is priceless :)

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:39

we will of course do all those things. And letters to father christmas, and going to see all the lights. last year we went out several times a week driving so she could see them. She loves them.

Thats excally what my mum says, that i do all these things with her, and thats what makes it special. Not throwing money at her, and then not letting her bring the presents home.( and she only goes to his 2 out of 14 days) so things hardly get played with.

I know im BU. and im trying to be grown up about it, but i still feel crap.

OP posts:
WassaAxolotl · 10/11/2010 13:40

I think the fact that she has to leave her lovely new stuff at his house will very quickly clue into his non-altruistic intentions.

Hardly loving, is it?

thx1138 · 10/11/2010 13:41

How old is she?

Agree with VinegarTits. For younger kids the anticipation and excitement, the whole buzz of Christmas is way, way better than the presents.

My ds once told us that his favourite and best bit of Christmas was setting a flour trap for Rudolf and then seeing his hoof print in it the next morning.

thx1138 · 10/11/2010 13:43

WassaAxolotl is spot on.

Fernie3 · 10/11/2010 13:43

If it makes you feel better my son had a bike for his birthday (4) it was lovely and i saved for it, his first comment on seeing it was " where's the bell?". If our daughter doesn't care then your ex husband is just wasting money she will love her animals and any surprises father christmas brings!

Fernie3 · 10/11/2010 13:43

Your not our!

SixtyFootDoll · 10/11/2010 13:43

YANBU to feel crap about it

But Xmas is not jusst about the presents its about the experience as well.

And as Wassa says, the fact that all the things have to stay at his house... says a lot.

create · 10/11/2010 13:44

The highlight of my boys' Christmases (even now at 7 & 9) is a walk in the dark with Grandad to see all the lights on the houses roundabout

My best Christmas memories are of playing How Green You Are with my Grandad and of tickling my Mum to try and get her to give present secrets away in the days beforehand. No idea now what the presents actually were.

Can you try and be pleased for her that she'll get all those things, but also proud that it doesn't matter to her?

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:45

No - its not. Then they arent really presents for her, they are for him. Its a waste of money. But i supose its his choice. On the other hand, if shes asked to take something up to his, ive let her. they are her things. Not mine.

Ive still spent about £100 approx on her. Which sounds loads i think but doesnt really translate into very much. Then i worry with that, and then what everyone else gets her shes too spoilt. Even though she couldnt care less ( and she really couldnt... ill wait for this to change when she hits school!)

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 10/11/2010 13:46

You are giving her memories. Piles and piles of priceless memories.

When she is older, she will remember the lights and the smell of the mince pies and she will want the cake recipe to make with her own children.

She won't even recall what colour the bike was let alone any of the other toys. They're hardly going to feature very highly in her life if she has to try fitting in time to play with all of them into just 2 days a fortnight are they!

Why don't you make one of her presents a photo album and fill it with pictures of the two of you together?

OnlyWantsOne · 10/11/2010 13:48

he's an arse

you know that

She will have a lovely christmas, my ex bought DD a pink dressing table for her birthday - she unwrapped it, and because I dont want the pink plastic shit hastle of tripping over it, weve put it in the shed, and DD hasnt even noticed...

when you coming round for tea and cake?

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:50

yeah - one of my fav christmas memories was going for a walk with my grandad on my own ( im one of 4) , in the dark,down the end of the drive to show me this barn owl he had seen about.

and just the whole excitiment, and build up. I cant really remember any presents bar this ballerina thing.

we do loads of build up, for me, personally, i love that bit the best, the presents are secondary. ( in fact, i dont much care for them at all).

Just... a bike. Angry and he wouldnt even give any money towards her school uniform, claims to be really skint.

OP posts:
Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:52

only - i know hes an arse.
he just does it to wind me up.
Ive actually got a few days off soon.. will text you. Lets do something. :)

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 10/11/2010 13:54

im currently bouncing on birthing ball drinking raspberry leaf tea trying to get this baby out!!! however MN is distracting me

DP and I bought DD a bike in summer, was about £60 - you could always buy her one too? (or would that be churlish?)

FindingMyMojo · 10/11/2010 13:55

it's very mean of him & his family to give her stuff but with the proviso that it has to stay at his place!!!!!

Surely these GIFTs are her stuff & if she wants to bring the bike or whatever back to her house where she actually lives & where she spends most of her time (I'm assuming that - perhaps wrongly??) then she should be able to. If he says NO to that then clearly it's all about him - what a prat!!!! Your DD will know this - don't worry.

Anyway it sounds like you've got Xmas day .... priceless! Grin

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 13:58

shes already got one.
and two scooters
and a red and yellow car thing that she can barley fit in.

i got her a scooter last year, and told him, so he wouldnt get her the same. about a week later he called to tell me he had gone out and got her one too, even though i had. so she could have one there.

She came back from his and was all annoyed about it. He hadnt got one with 3 wheels ( she was only 3) and she couldnt ride it.
She decided she didnt like it and hasnt played with it since.

I got her one in the sale for xmas, then picked up another one at a car boot for £1.
So she can have scooter races with her friends ( or me!!)
And she does play with them, all the time.

OP posts:
OpheliaBumps · 10/11/2010 13:58

My christmas memories are about decorating the house, opening the stocking (satsuma, nuts, few chocs and a small toy) and the afternoon walk to feed the ducks - not the big presents at all!

your DD will remember how magical and fun you made it all, not the toys she only got to play with at her dad's house.

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 14:01

oh - and bounce harder... might get the baby out!!!!! lol

Sometimes its less than 2 days out of 14 because hes in the army. Begining of the year he was away for 3 months. So what he had brought her last xmas had been at his, unplayed with.

I have tried to tell him this, but of course he wont listen to me.

OP posts:
sam84uk · 10/11/2010 14:05

I've got my 2 kids bikes for Xmas (managed to get a few bargains, DD's 16" bike was only £29 from Tesco half price) and ExH was also going to get them bikes but I spoke to him and told him he could take the bikes I've bought when he has the kids at the weekend. That way they can get a variety of gifts. He lets the kids bring some stuff home but not everything which seems pointless to me as some things will be outgrown before they've had their use.

On the other hand I also have 2 step kids and Dp wanted to get the youngest a bike which we've now decided will be pointless because she won't get enough use from it before it's outgrown and she already has a bike at her Mum's. We decided it'd be better to spend the money on things that she can bring back and forth between the 2 houses if she wants. On her birthday though she only took some of her presents home and wanted some things to stay here with us.

I'm very jealous that you've got Xmas day though. ExH wants to take kids from 2pm which I'm very :( about.

Blatherskite · 10/11/2010 14:07

If she's already got a bike she's likely to be less impressed with the new one and it won't be the massive deal he'd like anyway :)

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 10/11/2010 14:07

it's the little bits that make xmas great not the presents:

Decorating the tree
making mince pies
making cards and decorations
singing carols in the cold
wishing on a christmas star (unless cloudy then pretending you can see one)
waiting to see if you can sleep before father christmas comes
leaving out sherry and mince pie and carrot (and the excitedment of seeinf the leftover crumbs)
opening any presents no matter what they are
someone actually playing those presents with you
seeing family (well some of them)
and on and on

these are things she will remember not how many presents she has.

Any way from memory when we had dss on year we managed to get him loads of pokeman crap stuff that he loved from poundland and tbh he got so overwhelmed at the amount that he got hysterical and we had to hide most of it (aged 5ish)

go to charity shops, father xmas on;y gives 'recycled' toys in this house(less waste, more stuff, less money) everyones a winner. Smile

Original poster
redderthanred · 10/11/2010 14:08

Ive got xmas day, but then shes whisked off away till the 29th and wont be able to play with any of her new things.

meh.

its damn hard sometimes. This is not what i though would happen when i had a child.

OP posts:
walkingonair · 10/11/2010 14:08

This is exactly the scenario my mother experienced every Christmas with my father.

As a child I was completely oblivious to the upset this caused my mum and neither did I make comparisons between how much each of my parents spent. Children don?t understand the monetary value of gifts and the chances are she will love the play mobile animals more as it?s what she?s specifically asked for.

It?s a little unfair of your husband to keep all the gifts he buys at his house; they will be her toys after all.
I remember as a child, I would insist on taking toys back and forth to both houses. Perhaps you could suggest a compromise? Tell him it?s a lovely thought that he should get her a bike and you would like her to get lots of use out of it, so perhaps it could go between houses?

Like other posters have said, think back to your own Christmas memories, its the millions of other things you can do with DD to make Christmas special. Bake cookies, handmade decorations, mice pie for Santa.

When DD1 was little and money was tight, we would buy her one or two bigger presents and lots of stocking fillers from pound land. They sell craft kits, books, DVDs stickers, sweets. £10 worth of presents wrapped up from Santa will have just as bigger impact as lots of expensive ones!