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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit cross at this letter?

63 replies

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 11:47

Have just received a thank you card from a wedding in august that DH attended. I was invited but couldn't attend because it was strictly no children and 3mth old DS (exclusively on breastmilk) was not invited. Anyway, the letter thanks us for the gift and says that the B&G are "sorry" that I was unable to attend. AIBU to think that it's a bit rich to express sorrow that I wasn't able to attend an event that they made it impossible for me to go to? FWIW I'm not anti-childfree weddings,but if that's what you want then go for it - just don't pretend otherwise afterwards and act like I've 'disappointed' them in some way.

OP posts:

Sarsaparilllla · 10/11/2010 13:29

I think 'busy' was probably just the best way they could put in a short note - and to be fair, I imagine looking after a new baby does keep you 'busy' I honestly don't know what else they could've said unless they didn't acknowledge you weren't there at all

pottonista · 10/11/2010 13:47

My dad always used to tell me 'Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity'.

If they've just spent an age hand-writing thank you cards to 2,000,000 of their closest friends and rellies while struggling to remember who was at the wedding when, for how long, what they ate/gave/wore/were doing at the time and what the particular circumstances were in each case it's totally possible that the phrasing on the card might not be totally perfect all the time.

I can see how it might bug you, but surely life's too short to dwell on it?

DuchessOfAvon · 10/11/2010 13:54

I'm guessing they don't have kids.

When they do, karmic retribution will bite them back and they'll realise ruefully that they were BU.

In the meantime, have a

curlymama · 10/11/2010 13:55

YABU.

What were they supposed to write? It's only a thankyou card. BTW, if people don't want babies at their wedding, that's up to them, it's not for you to make out they are awful people because that's what they chose.

phipps · 10/11/2010 13:58

I don't think you are U.

We are still waiting for a thank you note from a wedding gift and feel pretty pissed off that next generation up relatives have had thank yous and we haven't.

loonies · 10/11/2010 14:01

FRUIT SHOOTS

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 14:12

YABU.

I'm not entirely sure why they were sorry you weren't there though. You sound delightful.

Original poster

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 14:12

Curlymama - I never said that they were awful people for wanting a childfree wedding, in the OP I quite clearly state that it it totally up to them who they invite to their wedding. We never tried to pressurise them into letting DS attend or anything like that.

But I do object to them saying that I was "too busy" to attend. I was absolutely not "too busy", I was feeding my uninvited 3m old - there is a clear distinction.

However, I think I am going to put this down to lack of thought rather than rudeness.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 14:17

YABU

they were sorry you didn't come to their wedding.

if you had been raising newborn puppies by hand and they wedding invitation did not include the puppies would you think tehy were BU? they did not chose for you to have your baby and they are entitled to have a wedding without chidlren present. if you decdie that you want to stay at home and feed your DD then that is a decision you have made. presumably you knew for quite some time when the wedding was taking place and could have expressed BM and arranged a babysitter/family to look afetr her. they did not make it impossible for you to attend. you chose not to attend, and tehy were sorry that you did.

frgr · 10/11/2010 14:19

YABU

It's a standard thing to write on a thank you card which politely acknowledges that you were unable to attend, for whatever reason (whether your own, theirs, valid or invalid, doesn't matter)

You seem to have quite a confrontational attitude on this one - you decided that you couldn't go due to needing to care for the little one, c'est la vie. not malice on their part, it just happened that their arrangements and your wishes didn't tally.

oh, and of course people are busy when they have a newborn. not sure what else you'd call it - i was certainly "too busy" to do some things - in my case attend my sister's 21st birthday party... it wasn't that i wasn't physically able to go (it was when DC was 2 months old), i was just too busy with getting into routine, catching up with sleep, recovering. not sure why people have taken up arms with the "too busy" comment

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 14:22

Too busy is more pithy than "sorry you were staying at home BFing your baby", isn't it? That's how I would have read into it. When they're probably writing a number of thank you cards, they would be there all year if they had to tailor each one to each individual. They probably all say either "thank you for coming" or "sorry you couldn't" Don't see the big deal.

upahill · 10/11/2010 14:31

It's not a lack of thought though and it is not worth getting your knickers in a twist. You got a thank you card for goodness sake.

If this is all you have to moan about - lucky you!!

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 14:57

YABU.

hmc · 10/11/2010 15:00

Splutters at analogy with hand reared puppies

DuelingFanjo · 10/11/2010 15:03

did they use the wording 'too busy'?

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 15:10

too far hmc?

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 15:10

ROFL at analogy of hand reared puppies

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 15:17

YADNBU

What a stupid thing to write 'Sorry you were too busy to attend our wedding' when they made it impossible for you to attend.

I would send a note thanking them for their thank you card, hoping they'd had a nice honeymoon etc and saying something like 'It is unfortunate that you felt that babyx being there would have spoilt your day as I would have loved to have come'

Actually though, did you check that that 'no children' applied to your babe in arms? Maybe they just assumed you'd bring him and when they said something to DH may have muttered something about you being at home with the baby.... any chance it's all a misunderstanding??

Sarsaparilllla · 10/11/2010 15:25

But I do object to them saying that I was "too busy" to attend. I was absolutely not "too busy", I was feeding my uninvited 3m old - there is a clear distinction.

So in your opinion 'sorry you were feeding your uninvited 3m old and didn't come' would be better?

Original poster

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 15:30

DF - yes, they actually said "we understand that you're very busy now". Thing is, I would have been able to go if DS has been invited so it wasn't really a question of being too busy to go. It simply wasn't possible to go and not take him (the reception was in a really remote venue - the nearest hotel was just under 30min drive away - I couldn't have shuttled back and forth to feed him, by the time I got back to the venue I'd have had about 30mins before I had to turn round and go back to the hotel again). Again, I really don't have a problem with them choosing to not invite DS - of course that is their choice. It just feels that they're trying to pretend that the fact I couldn't be there had nothing whatsoever to do with their choices.

I guess I'm kind of comparing it to those bridezillas who insist on a child free wedding and then get pissy when some people can't come. Surely if you choose to have a childfree wedding then you have to accept that your choice will impact on people's ability to attend? To pretend otherwise seems rude to me.

ROFL at puppies. Although dogs would be better behaved than some children I've seen at weddings

OP posts:

Original poster

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 15:34

Chipping - no, it def applied to DS. The groom apologised to DH before the wedding for not inviting DS and said they couldn't invite children due to numbers (which is obviously a valid concern, but I'd always thought that people would usually make an exception for breastfed babes in arms).

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 15:41

Write a note back then

I think it's nice to have kids at weddings, but I understand that not all people agree, however, to tell someone they can't bring their breastfed newborn then say they're sorry they were too busy to attend buggers belief.

Original poster

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 15:44

Did you mean "beggars"

OP posts:

Original poster

ZombiePlan · 10/11/2010 15:50

ALthough on reflection I quite like "buggers belief" as an expression - may adopt it...

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 10/11/2010 15:51

The phrase: "we understand that you're very busy now" heavily implies that they feel that the OP let them down by not attending and that they think they are being magnanimous by "understanding."

< Seethes >

< Polishes brick >

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