Not to want to go to expensive night out to celebrate PIL anniversary

[lookingoutthewindow]

Some background - MIL and her husband are loaded. When it was her 60th, she invited some family & friends to an expensive restaurant to celebrate. The arrangement was that everyone was to pay for their own meal (we were told about this after having accepted the invitation). We were fairly broke at the time and it was a real stretch.

When it was her mothers 90th, she instigated the arrangement of a family meal. For some reason, when the bill arrived, she said that the bill would be split between her husband and DH (not sure why BIL not liable to pay, for for some reason he's never treated as an adult - all very bizarre). Again this was quite expensive

So her 20th wedding anniversary is coming up and apparently she's mentioned to DH about having a 'do' (again expensive restaurant - well expensive by my standards). I'm sure the deal will again be that we all pay for own food. I just find this quite unreasonable - the assumption from her is that just because she's loaded, that everyone else can well afford it. Thing is, there are 5 of us and so it will be £££. We very rarely ever eat out together as a family due to the cost, and if we do it's a cheap Sunday buffet or something.

So AIBU not to want to go? There is also the fact that DS will only be 18months and it will be an evening meal, in a posh restaurant.

Filled with dread at the very thought

i would offer to do something else for her birthday (lunch together, or a homemade meal with all her favourite food, if food related, say) and politely decline explaining that finances are too tight for it.

a few years ago, H and I went through a period where we took in £X per month, and after basic household bills + childcare were arranged we had something like £22 left over for the month. that was to include lunch during the day (we cut out eating at work), haircuts, car breakdowns, birthday/xmas gifts, anything above and beyond bill direct debits and the mortgage/insurances. it wasn't for long, but it was very distressing to see a total lack of understanding on friends, colleagues and family members parts when they would suggest "let's go XYZ" or "can you cover the next round" on the very rare times i couldn't easily avoid socialising, only to realise "this meal is my disposable income for this month, and i really need to buy tampons this week" - totally shite situation.

....and one that needs to be nipped in the bud wrt other people's expectations.

There is no shame in saying that you can't afford it. Lots of people are struggling at the moment. We have said similar things to my MIL, who has no concept of mortgage costs etc.

I think you have to take this out of your DHs hands if he not so good at saying no to his mum. Tell him that you can't afford it and speak directly to your MIL telling her the same thing. I wouldn't get bogged down in the other issues as this is seperate and purely about your financial situation at this particular time.

I too think that anniversaries are about the people whose anniversary it is, and don't require the involvement of the whole family. Some people are so self centred that they assume that their weddings/ anniversaries/birthdays etc are the centre of everyone elses universe. I don't think you should be spending money you don't have in order to accommodate someone elses desire to celebrate their event in a specific way.

You just have to stand up for yourself and say 'no'.

PS would also be expecting DH to have a bit of a reality check on finances. If it were me, I would just simply ask where the money is going to come from/what else you as a family were going to cut to be able to afford it.

D

frgr I know what you mean!

Just get DH to say you can't afford it. I find it weird that she isn't offering to pay at least some of the cost, although in fairness if you have attended similar things in the past then perhaps she thinks you can afford it?

My parents both did expensive things for their 60th birthdays, but in both cases it was a surprise that was organised, and paid for, by the other one. If it had been a question of having to pay for ourselves then none of us would have been able to go - which they knew so that is why they paid.

I don't understand the concept of inviting people to your party ie 'guests' and then expecting people to pay for said party. It's simply beyond me. If you can't afford to pay for your guests at the fancy restaurant then have a more modest party. I feel the same re weddings children's birthday parties btw.

If I were you, OP, I would speak to your dh. He needs to explain to your MIL that you don't have the kind of money for the occassion she has in mind. If she still wants this party then perhaps he should attend on his own. Not to make a point but because that is the very most you can afford. IMHO MIL should be paying for her guests in any case. Just in case anyone was in any doubt.

I agree counttothree - there is no way I would invite people to my party and expect them to pay for themselves. No-one would do it for a wedding so why would it be ok for an anniversary party?

YADNBU

£230 for a night out?!! Thats our shopping budget for a month. Tell your MiL that your finances simply wont cover it and, regretfully, you wont be attending.
And then sit down with your DH, look at the finances and show him its just not on for him to accept these kind of invitations without discussion of how to fund them.