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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to go to expensive night out to celebrate PIL anniversary

58 replies

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 11:30

Some background - MIL and her husband are loaded. When it was her 60th, she invited some family & friends to an expensive restaurant to celebrate. The arrangement was that everyone was to pay for their own meal (we were told about this after having accepted the invitation). We were fairly broke at the time and it was a real stretch.

When it was her mothers 90th, she instigated the arrangement of a family meal. For some reason, when the bill arrived, she said that the bill would be split between her husband and DH (not sure why BIL not liable to pay, for for some reason he's never treated as an adult - all very bizarre). Again this was quite expensive

So her 20th wedding anniversary is coming up and apparently she's mentioned to DH about having a 'do' (again expensive restaurant - well expensive by my standards). I'm sure the deal will again be that we all pay for own food. I just find this quite unreasonable - the assumption from her is that just because she's loaded, that everyone else can well afford it. Thing is, there are 5 of us and so it will be £££. We very rarely ever eat out together as a family due to the cost, and if we do it's a cheap Sunday buffet or something.

So AIBU not to want to go? There is also the fact that DS will only be 18months and it will be an evening meal, in a posh restaurant.

Filled with dread at the very thought

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 11:57

Don't go. It's only a 20th Anniversary (and not even to DH's Dad! Though, if he's been a Dad to him, that's by the by) and you can't afford it.

I'd do what Alfabetty said.

Just tell DH that you cannot afford it - it's not about not wanting to celebrate with them and if you offer to put on lunch/afternoon tea for them, he can't really take offence. In other circumstances I'd say to tell him to go on his own, but I know for you that would be playing right up her alley.

badfairy · 10/11/2010 11:59

We don't celebrate anniversary's in our family this is a " between two people" sort of thing - Milestone birthdays (18th 21st 40th 60th) I would be prepared to push the boat out for but not other people's anniversaries.

mazzystartled · 10/11/2010 12:02

um, babysitters aren't monsters, mostly, but I understand your reluctance

£200 IS a lot of money.

I do sympathise.

Is your DH prepared to accept that you can't afford to go and to tell his dPs so?

(And did he ever tell them how awkward it was when stung for half thew bill at granny's birthday?)

fel1x · 10/11/2010 12:03

£200 for one evening out that you dont really want to go to and will have to go short on other things for, for ages is a LOT!

I'd go with the idea of saying that you really cant spare the money at the moment but you'd love to celebrate with them so would they like to come to yours for lunch erlier in the day?

starfishmummy · 10/11/2010 12:10

If you cant afford.it you need to say so, but you need to be clear about what you want to do if they offer to pay.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 12:11

Thanks all for the suggestions

mazzy he never said anything to her about it

OP posts:

deepheat · 10/11/2010 12:18

I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong here. Sometimes life - in the form of in-laws - just throws us awkward situations that we have to deal with as best we can.

Although, I have been banking on the fact that these days anyone could get out of any social event by simply using the words 'difficult financial times'. Is this not true?

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 12:23

upahill - you're right, £150 was a bit light. I've been on the restaurant's website and the food bill would be about £180ish, and with drinks about £230 altogether

Include a present etc. and it's more than I've budgeted to spend on christmas!

OP posts:

upahill · 10/11/2010 12:33

It is getting expensive - if it was everything for £150 for the two of you I would say it was a 'special' night out, especially with money being a bit tight at the moment. But with all the add ons it is getting a bit much.

I would mention the you were a bit stoney atm and treat them to lunch, you will be able to take DS then as well.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 12:35

well even £150 was a lot given that we couldn't afford to go out for our own anniversary!

OP posts:

thx1138 · 10/11/2010 12:51

What is your DH's view on this? Is he in agreement with you that it would be unaffordable? If so, can he not speak to his parents about it. Explain that they have made a few incorrect assumptions about your net worth?

FWIW I think it is a very unpleasant arrangement. How rude to invite people to a celebration dinner, at a restaurant of your choosing and then tell them to pay for themselves.

badfairy · 10/11/2010 12:52

I keep reading these threads where , for some reason, people are too afraid to tell friends and family that they don't have enough money to spend on lavish dinners, drinks etc. Maybe I have no pride but I would not be so backward in coming forward and indeed haven't been. The last even was my father's 65th and he wanted to go to some big fancy restaurant ( which is fine it was his birthday) both my sister and I said it was a lovely idea but we really couldn't afford it at the moment. Dad was fine about it ...he went to the fancy place with a couple of friends and we got together and cooked him Sunday lunch ....smiles all round

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 12:55

thx1138 - he probably hasn't even thought as far as the practicalities of paying yet. He always prefer the path of least resistance and so no doubt his first response was 'lovely, we'd love to go'. I need to bring it up with him but am dreading doing so as there have been other issues with MIL and it's all a bit of a sore point

OP posts:

thx1138 · 10/11/2010 13:05

I suppose it is worth waiting to see what the deal is. She may surprise you and foot the bill. Although she has form.

WRT to your DH. Do the figures not speak for themselves. Will he not look at the bank statement and think A-ha - one posh meal with mumsy = no nappies for baby and baked beans on toast three times a day for the next fortnight.

corygal · 10/11/2010 13:11

Yanbu. What an embarrassing and difficult position to be dumped in.

I have friends who do this - these people are presenting you with the bill for celebrating their life events.

Interestingly, the types who favour this approach tend to be reasonably well off.

It's dreadfully rude behaviour, but equally tricky to deal with because you love them and want to be there on their speshul day.

Whatever you do for the PIL anniversary, start by arranging an extremely expensive dinner for your next life event and invite PIL, making sure they pay. Or, if you can't afford that, just don't offer them your hospitality at home again.

Your options are to tell them you can't afford it (cringeing) or go.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 13:11

I don't know whether it's just my DH, but sometimes he's just a bit fingers in the ears going 'la la la' until something actually happens. So we'd turn up, have to pay, and he'd be taken completely unawares. I'm the opposite in that I like to have things sorted out in advance so I know where I am. Especially as we've been caught unawares 2 times now and I'm not willing for it to happen again. He will do doubt think I'm being petty again and refuse to ask her about the arrangements

OP posts:

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 13:13

corygal I agree, it is always the well off people who do this. Probably why they're well off I guess - if I invite someone to do something out of my choice then I assume I'm paying

OP posts:

upahill · 10/11/2010 13:22

I don't know about that Corygal and Lookingout.

When it's my birthday me and mates go out for a meal and I don't pay for them. My DH is from a large family with loads of cousins who now have children and grandchildren so when we meet up for a meal we pay our own way. I's no big deal.

I know this is an expensive one and Lookingout may have to duck this meal out but I think it is unreasonable to think people should have to think of everyones budget before they decide where to have the meal. If you did that most people would end up at the local cavery eating all you want for £4.50!

When I come to have a mega event it will be the venue of my choice and hopefully as many of those who want to come will come along and those that can't it is too bad and we will catch up later.

I would also hope that family members would be able to say sorry mum, I'm a bit skint - hope you and dad have a good one! I would probably pay for my immediate members of the family tbh.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 13:28

It is a bit different going out for a birthday meal with your mates though. By definition they're your mates through choice and you choose to celebrate the event with them by dining out together. With some family events its much more of a case of duty sometimes (well it is in the case of my inlaws anyway!!)

OP posts:

thx1138 · 10/11/2010 13:37

It is sad to think family and friends would be excluded from a celebration just because they couldn't afford it.

Although you haven't said so, I am assuming that your MIL would not help you with the cost just to make sure you were there.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 13:40

The thing is, the fact that she's arranging it in a posh restaurant on a Sat evening is excluding the children in any case, whether we can afford it or not. It's clearly not therefore meant to be a true family celebration but as usual, one in which she gets to be queen bee, dress up and be the centre of attention

OP posts:

upahill · 10/11/2010 14:28

Well I think 'you' should have the type of party, celebration 'you' want. In this case PIL want a big posh meal. My mum wanted something similar for her 60th and I couldn't afford it at the time. We were truly skint and couldn't even afford the petrol to drive there. So we didn't go. We caught up with her later and I made a meal for her and dad at mine. 10 years later it is coming up to her 70th and same again. This time we can afford it and pay for the 2 kids (who order adult size portions!)

It would be miserable if one had to 'make do' at a down market place just to keep everyone happy.

Original poster

lookingoutthewindow · 10/11/2010 14:31

haha, she'd keep me happier if she didn't invite us at all to be honest so am in no way expecting anywhere downmarket just to please me!

My OP was AIBU not to want to go. I didn't ask ISBU for having her do in a post restaurant. Obviously she can have it where she wants, but I don't want to go (and I don't think she can be that bothered about family going anyway, as the young children won't be able to - reducing the family members who can attend to her, her husband, BIL and DH, if he attends)

OP posts:

upahill · 10/11/2010 14:36

Things have got lost in the posts!!! Going back to your OP, No you are not but if you can it would be nice!!

Deliaskis · 10/11/2010 14:46

The thing with this is, that the person whose celebration it is should be able to choose the type of occasion/venue, but that being the case, and if they pick somewhere expensive, they should be aware and willing to accept any 'regret must decline' with good grace.

I'm a bit funny about my own birthday TBH, and would never assume that anyone at all wanted to celebrate it with me, so tend to invite people in a 'I'm thinking of doing this and we'd love it if you could join us, but understand that you may not want to/be able to' kind of way. I even say this to our very loaded friends for whom I know money is no object, because even though money is no object, I wouldn't assume they would want to spend it on bowing to my wishes. No way would I assume that anyone would want to spend money (and certainly not twice their weekly shopping budget) on my birthday, it's so completely self-absorbed.

You don't have to think of everyone's budget and go to an all you can eat buffet, but you do have to accept declines with good grace.

So I don't really understand the people who say it's a family occasion you should go as it's her choice.

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