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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Birthday - is DP being a twat?

54 replies

JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:08

OK so its my birthday in a couple of weeks. Uusally because its so close to Christmas shopping time I dont get a lot of presents. No problem, I am a Mum and like to get Christmas all wrapped up instead so its not a last minute rush.

This year I have been very organised and Christmas shopping is all done [grins]

I have also recently had a payrise (couple of hundred quid extra per month not huge but makes things more comfortable). Since I have had this payrise, DP has began treating himself on a regular basis. Fancy haircuts, £100 quid jackets, new aftershave. No, he hasnt got a new woman he is just a poncy twat.
Not getting overly bothered by his extravagance, but he has not made efforts at work to progress and has not had a payrise for 4 years! Would be nice if he treated ME for a change.
Anyway, I have continued in my normal way, shopping at Primark or charity shops for bargains not out of necessity, but because I cannot justify the expense on stuff for myself at this time of year.

HOWEVER - this birthday I know we have the cash for a treat or two for me, and to be fair, DP has been making reference to some parcels delivered to his work (for my birthday). i am not getting overly excited because he is a notoriously crap present buyer. But I spotted a dress in a vintage shop yesterday which is only £20! I texted him about it and he said "you have had paint for your birthday" - as I am going to decorate our hall this weekend in time for Christmas. I am fuming to put it mildly. AIBU?

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 10/11/2010 11:32

Buy the dress, wrap it up and pretend it's from another man.Grin

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:32

Nope I have tried until Im blue in the face but he says they wont pay by BACS. His work are shit to be honest. If I didnt work we would be up the creek!

There are deep seated doubts in my mind about DP and his selfishness. My dad even confided in me the other day that he was averse to paying for a wedding (we have been together 7 years) or even contributing to a wedding until DP started to get real with life, get a proper job and support me properly, he seems to expect me to support HIM. He even said I only wanted another baby so I could sit on my arse all day :(

OP posts:
Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:33

Oh Mackerel that would start off a whole other shit storm!

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 10/11/2010 11:35

It sounds like it might give you a much-needed excuse to get out, actually. :( Are you happy? All kinds of tossers can be a 'good dad' - it doesn't make them a good partner.

Kitta · 10/11/2010 11:35

He'd be drinking the bloody paint in our house

minibmw2010 · 10/11/2010 11:35

Why if you have had a payrise is he spending it on himself ??????? Joint account or not, that is not on at all. Re the dress, just buy it yourself. Surely that's better than having to hint to someone to buy it for you.

BaggedandTagged · 10/11/2010 11:38

I think you shd listen to your dad- sorry.

bumpybecky · 10/11/2010 11:39

:( this is so not about the dress :(

you need to have a serious chat with him about money

hormonalmum · 10/11/2010 11:39

I would help myself to money out of his drawer.

Timbachick · 10/11/2010 11:39

Get yourself an individual account and get your wages paid into it. If he stuffs his wages into a drawer put that into your account as well and see how he likes it when he has to come to you, cap in hand, to get his poncy haircut. Smile

Can you tell I hate men today, huh? Hmm

Oh, and get yourself the dress ... you deserve it - well done of the payrise, that's no mean feat in this day and age.

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:40

I lay in bed last night thinking how I could actually manage perfectly well without him. I have a job which is well paid, school is round the corner from home for DD, I dont have a car to run, I would just have to tighten my belt a little (no vintage dresses or painting Hmm ) but actually, what is he actually contributing? Apart from, DD having her Dad around. He gets up late which makes me late for work, does very little around the house apart from smoke in the garden, then coughs all night, moans constantly about where his clean washing is, or what we are eating for tea, moans when I have friends over or want to go out, moans about not being able to tinker on his old cars (we dont have a garage or anything anymore), moans about his work but never does anything about it, and buys himself all manner of crap then moans at me for wanting the odd thing! If it were someone else tellin me about him I would say get rid!

Oh and he doesnt want another baby and makes me feel like a burden when I ask about it.

OP posts:
nickelbangBANGbang · 10/11/2010 11:45

You know the money is in his drawer - you havean agreement that all money goes i nthe joint account.
Take the money out of the drawer, put some into a pot in the kitchen as petty cash and bank the rest yourself.

As for his very childish behaviour towards the moeny, tell him that if he doesn't stop spending your money on things that aren't important without discussing it properly, that you will take charge of all money, including his cash and he will have to come to you for spending money.

If he doesn't like it, then tell him that that's how he's been treating you.

and also remind him that if you don't get treated like a princess for your birthday, his new stuff will be disappearing and Christmas will only be for your children.

nickelbangBANGbang · 10/11/2010 11:46

and judging by your last post, I sense that you're not happy about this relationship at all.

it's not just about the money, is it?

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 11:48

I think you could manage perfectly well without him and I think it's what your Dad was saying in a gentle way as well - which tells me bucket loads. I think you would be much happier without him... can you do it?

NurseSunshine · 10/11/2010 11:53

I don;t know why people have been having a go about you texting to tell him about the dress. You were helpfully pointing out something you'd like as a birthday present, has no-one else ever done that?! Weird.

BUT, this is clearly not about the dress, he sounds like an arse. Why don't you get your own bank account, transfer some money into it for joint things like bills etc and keep your own money for you. You earnt it.

Why do you want another baby with him?

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:55

I dont know Chip. I think so, but I think that when he is lying next to me pissing me off in the middle of the night Hmm

Am I strong enough? I really dont know. But I know I feel capable of managing financially without his input and he doesnt do a great deal for me as part of the family. My daughter though, her life is perfect (in my eyes) because we are both totally committed to her and I dont want to jeapordise that because Im not getting treated enough.

OP posts:
ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 10/11/2010 11:56

If you want him to buy the dress then don't text back "its fine dont worry about it" because it clearly ISN'T fine; you're posting here about it. Tell him where the dress is, maybe take a photo if you have a camera phone, and say that you think it would be a good present for you from your DD. Tag on "You had better be joking about the paint :)" if you like.

OR, if it is fine for him not to buy it, just buy it for yourself.

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 11:57

Nurse, I know, I thought most women gave gentle nudges about pressie ideas! Its from bitter experience, beleive me!

I want a sibling for my daughter, and a baby for myself! I love being a mum! And he is a good dad to the child we have, whats wrong with wanting another baby!

Everything, according to him :(

OP posts:
nickelbangBANGbang · 10/11/2010 11:58

let's put it this way, my dad used to slag my ex off something chronic (never to his face, obviously!) - he'd make comments about the fact that ex never "allowed" me to spend money, that he wouldn't marry me, that he wouldn't buy a house (either together of apart), that he refused to accept or support any career decisions I made, etc etc.

so many times I would defend ex, when I knew my dad was right.

it took about 10 minutes of knowing DH for my dad to decide he liked him. (and it's pretty hard for my dad to like anyone straight off!)

I know dads can sometimes come across as harsh in their opinions, but sometimes it does us well to listen to what they think about our partners.

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 12:05

My dad is a big fan of DP actually. He always said his prayers were answered when DP walked through the door (Ex was a real piece of work, every parents nightmare). And DP is ON PAPER a really good guy. He is friendly, good looking, pleasant, willing to do anyone a favour, a fantastic Dad, doesnt drink or gamble or take drugs, isnt into fighting or putting it about. For most 26 year old women I have a lovely home and stable lifestyle for my daughter. But look under the surface, and actually the one providing all the stability is me, he is the one kicking back enjoying it!

It is becoming apparent DP is not as ambitious as me when it comes to careers. This is where my Dad takes issue because work ethic is a huge thing in my family. Any attempts to discuss this with DP are met with "oh so Im not trying then? Its your money and my money is it? I thought we were in this together"......and so on.

The thing is, if DP wants to float along in his crap job, fine. But he is enjoying the fruits of my extra labour and thats where it grates!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 10/11/2010 12:17

You say your dad is a big fan of your DP yet with what he said to you about the wedding it sounds like he's had his eyes opened to what your DP is really like and was trying to tell you that.

I agree with Chipping's post at 11.48.

NurseSunshine · 10/11/2010 12:20

There's nothing wrong with wanting another baby, I just meant why would you want one with him? Good dad or not, if he's not making you happy then surely it would be a bad idea to have another baby with him. As well as the fact that he doesn't want one of course. What if you did fall pregnant and he said "Well, I'm not bothered, I said I didn;t want another one, see ya"?

Original poster
JodiesMummy · 10/11/2010 12:22

I would have my baby and be better off without him! Anyway, that is by the by, there will be no babies at the moment, writing this thread has been cathartic for me, and we need a serious talk. I am close to finishing with him.

OP posts:
MsKalo · 10/11/2010 12:25

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but if you feel
Hard done by (and you are, by 'the way) it is YOUR fault as you let him get away with it! Get a separate account, buy the bloody dress and don't let him take the piss out of you! If u want another child tell him either you both discuss it properly and things change or you need to rethink if you want to be with him. He is taking the piss out of you and YOU let him

nickelbangBANGbang · 10/11/2010 12:44

You do need to talk, that's for sure.

He needs to listen about money issues and not have the attitude "oh so Im not trying then? Its your money and my money is it? I thought we were in this together"......and so on. " as you said.

you are in it together, if you're going to stay together, he needs to get a grip on it.
you never said taht he couldn't ahve your money, but what he's quite obviously done is taken it too far the other way, so that you aren't seeing any of your money.

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