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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The age old Christmas debate...

65 replies

Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 10:43

OK, so, here are the facts so far:

Dh (has one older brother with a ds and dd)
Me (only child)
Dd 3.7yo
Ds 11mo
MIL and FIL (live hour and a quarter away)
My aunt (always does Christmas at her large house)

When dh and I were childfree , we used to alternate Christmas Day. Since we had dd, Christmas has been spent thus:

2007 My family (us, mum and dad, aunty, cousins, nan and grandad)
2008 Dh's parents attended my family Christmas - it was a little awkward, tbh
2009 My family Christmas (ds was 2 weeks old and v. poorly, so thank God we were near home)

So, now dd is 3.7, she is very excited about Christmas, and I want to go wherever she will enjoy it the most, regardless of what we've done in the past.

The ideal scenario in my eyes would be to spend it with MIL and FIL, with BIL and SIL and their dc, who dd loves, and whom are her age.

However, SIL's father is undergoing chemo, so they are unsure about what is happening at Christmas. SIL is very insular anyway, and her preferred Christmas Day is with the dc at home, with no guests, regardless of what's happening with her dad.

Dh is worried that his mum and dad will be on their own on Christmas Day (despite MIL's protestations that she's not bothered, whether you believe that or not).

If BIL and SIL are not going to be at MIL's house, then I think we should spend Christmas Day with my family, whom are a little more, erm, excitable, shall we say? MIL and FIL are steady, to say the least, and dd would be bored to tears spending Christmas Day just with them.

Dh has suggested that we change tradition and have my parents, along with his parents to our house. I cannot get him to understand, that my extended family (and by that I mean my nan and grandad, and my aunt etc) would be really upset about this, and I know my mum wouldn't consider it, and I understand why.

So, we are at a stalemate. I just want dd to enjoy herself, and if her cousins were going to be there, then I would absolutely go to MIL and FIL's house. But it seems that they're not, and I don't want Christmas Day to be spent staring at the in-laws, and watching the tv.

AIBU????

OP posts:
Weta · 10/11/2010 11:23

I agree with loonyrationalist's post. I think you are being a bit OTT saying that the important thing is that your DD enjoys herself - she will surely enjoy herself wherever (with your help if necessary).

It may be less 'exciting' at your PILs' place (though you could always have them to you) but Xmas isn't just about giving your daughter the best time possible. Surely it's also about looking after and including different members of the family, and it definitely sounds like it's PILs' turn this year. I am sure your DD will have plenty of other opportunities to have fun with her cousins, and it might be quite special for PILs to have her with them for Xmas.

Have to admit I am probably not entirely objective as my DB and SIL have turned down Xmas invitation from my (divorced but amicable) parents because it will be more 'fun' with SILs' parents, where they have been for the last 10 years in a row. My dad will end up yet again having Xmas on his own (I am on the other side of the world and it's impossible to get back at Xmas).

taintedpaint · 10/11/2010 11:23

Right, there are several compromises here and if you don't sort one out with your DH, you will all have a miserable Christmas. Adults tantruming will certainly spoil it for your DD.

  1. You stay at home and welcome anyone that wants to come. You can stagger visits so you don't have a crowd at any time and can avoid the two families mixing if they don't get on.
  1. Go to your family. Since you have now done this three years in a row, it seems a tad selfish to do this again, especially when PILs will likely be alone. This would be the year to put them first and going to your family may well upset them, even if they don't say as much.
  1. Go to PILs. Your DD would almost certainly not be bored to tears, children get overexcited at Christmas anyway and if you take presents (and presumably she will have present from your PILs as well) she will be more than able to cope. I suspect your hesistancy here is more about you thinking you will be bored than your DDs enjoyment though.
  1. Do visits. Spend the morning with your DH, DD and DS. Your DD gets a fair few hours to play with presents, then go onto your PILs for lunch and your family for the afternoon/evening. That way no one misses out and your DD (and DS) get to open presents everywhere and you won't get bored.

Personally I would go for option four. You won't upset anyone and no one will get bored.

TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 10/11/2010 11:31

We spend the morning with my in-laws and then the afternoon with my parents (and then all get together on Boxing Day). Has worked fabulously well for 10 years. Would this not be an option?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 11:37

OK, OK. I am sucking the feedback up. My in-laws are very dull, trust me. Lovely people, but dull. I do think she would be bored. And I think I would be bored. However, I am prepared to compromise, I suppose. Because I'm just that nice. And stop attacking me you lot, I'm only venting, I haven't committed any of us to anything yet!

Option 4 would be slightly tricky bearing in mind we have ds, who is 11mo, and they live an hour and a quarter away from us. Listening to an overtired baby whinge wouldn't b e fun for anyone.

THe options as I see it are:

  1. We go to my family
  2. We invite PIL to come to my family
  3. We cook the dinner
  4. We go to PIL

Hmmm.

OP posts:
Mumwithadragontattoo · 10/11/2010 11:40

I think option 3 is best. Which I think is what you DP was suggesting in the first place. To an outsider it does seem a sensible compromise.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 11:43

Mumwithadragontattoo - I am starting to agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 11:45

At least if we go with option 3, dd and ds will be surrounded by their own toys etc. Have pre-warned my mum that it is unlikely we will at my aunt's for lunch. She is sulking now.

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 10/11/2010 11:46

She's had you for three years in a row and she's sulking? Wow.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 11:47

taintedpaint - I'm an only child, remember. It's very complicated. P.S. This is a tongue in cheek comment, it's not that complicated.

Gawd.

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 10/11/2010 11:50

Never fear, we'll all think your mum is being unreasonable if she sulks over you deciding to have Christmas at home and invite people.

LillianGish · 10/11/2010 12:02

You are beginning to sound like my sil who refuses to have mil for Christmas unless we go too. This means it's impossible for me to spend Christmas with my parents as on sil's year off we have to have mil (or leave her on her own!!) As they live so close why don't you have the morning at your house and go to pil for lunch? Or cook lunch for them (that would be my preferred option, but then I love cooking). You can go and see your family on Boxing Day (they can hardly complain having spent the last 3 years with you). I also think you could have a bit more heart for your poor sil and her dad!

FakePlasticTrees · 10/11/2010 12:11

Oh, well then with a 11 month old DS, you really would be better at home so that DS can have naps in his own cot thoughout the day.

Tell your mum you are inviting her and your Dad and everyone else. If she decides not to come, that's her business.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 13:04

OK, I will invite MIL and PIL to my house. Sorted.

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 10/11/2010 13:10

I knew it was partly a horror of having to cook Christmas dinner yourself. Grin That's perfectly understandable.

diddl · 10/11/2010 13:15

I think that´s the best thing tbh.

Your mum sounds very inflexible tbh & it sounds as if there would still be enough family without them.

Can´t believe that she´d rather be with her sister than her only grandchildren!

MooMooFarm · 10/11/2010 13:16

These kinds of posts make me so happy that our in-laws are so horrible that we never see them and have every excuse to stay at home at Christmas!

Reminds me of Christmasses past, having to drag the children away from their presents and spend the rest of Christmas day watching fecking soap-land Christmas day on TV (we never watch soaps), or even worse, Boxing Day, centered round not talking over the fecking football on tv!

Aaaah I am really looking forward to Christmas Grin

PS - Sorry to OP that this post is not helpful to her at all. My only advice would be to say that Christmas only lasts a couple of days, with one hell of alot of hassle, money and aggro to go through to get to the 'big day'. Therefore you should do whatever you want to on the day (within reason!) and sod 'tradition'.

DamselInDisgrace · 10/11/2010 13:19

Also, OP, if there is any grumbling about what you're doing food-wise from the invitees, do come back and we'll tell you they're being completely unreasonable.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 13:19

We'll miss the karaoke, the dancing, the general merriment, and just sit and stare at PIL all day. But hey, I'll go with the MN majority, which was that I am BU. Not that I'm bitter about it, or anything. Grin

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 10/11/2010 13:21

You can have dancing, karaoke, general merriment at yours. It's your Christmas, at your house, do it the way you think is right.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 13:22

Good point, Damsel. Perhaps I'm just a lazy slattern who usually gets to enjoy Christmas Day without actually having to do much. Ah well, looks like my grace period is over.

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 10/11/2010 13:25

Oh don't be grumpy about it! Get DH to do at least half the cooking/cleaning up.

diddl · 10/11/2010 13:27

Keep it simple re the cooking.

It´s really only a Sunday lunch afterall!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/11/2010 13:27

I shall. I will try my best to get the PIL involved in the merriment. Of course, in order to do this, I will need to be really quite drunk relatively early on.

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 10/11/2010 13:27

just remember, M&S is your friend.
if you're cooking for just a few adults get a turkey crown and some fab pre-prepared veg. it is easier than a normal roast.

diddl · 10/11/2010 13:28

Wondering if you mum will decide to come when she knows that ILs will be ther?

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