AIBU with SIL

[canttakeitanymore]

You probably will think I am being but you haven't put up with her for 6 years.

SIL is 16 and has "ADHD" I put that im quotes as i everyone knows she plays on it!

She is violent towards he mum and family in fact the other day she went for her Step D and when he pushed her away she called SS on him and her mum, and this isn't the first time she has done this.

She has threatened me with SS In the past because apparently i wouldn't let her see DS as much as she'd like.

TBH I think she has a bit of an obsession with DS!
I always let her come over to see DS and take him over to MIL's as much as i can.

But she always kicks off because they rest of the family see DS more that her!

In the past she has done some pretty horrific stuff, she made up a lie about DH a few years ago when DH was about 14-15 that could of got him in to ALOT of trouble tbh i dont even want to repeat it, but you can probably guess.

Anyway yesterday she phones me up having a go because i didnt bring DS over to see her on her birthday.
I didnt even think she was at home as she was away the previous day and i had no idea when she would be back.

She then had the cheek of saying that DH got payed the other day so why didnt we get her anything for her birthday, yeah he got payed but we had £700 rent arrears to pay!

Anyway i just told her to leave me alone and hung up.

TBH I don't want some1 that is so handy with the SS's number and doesn't care about the implications afterwards in my life, not to mention the other things she has done.

AIBU to never want me or DS to have anything to do with her again.

Sorry for the long post, i didn't another one and it was better but I deleted it all before i posted it

Thanks for reading

sorry what have i attually said that you think was wrong gruff??

that wasnt me being bitchy by the way, i attually want to know what is was I said?

Support doesn't have to mean pandering to the behaviour, and fwiw I don't believe it's the OP's job.

Why wasn't the behaviour with the false allegations addressed? Kids with ADHD shouldn't get away with stuff, far from it. If anything they need even more boundaries! That was one for the professionals why on EARTH didn't they deal with that?

As for the SS stuff, SS are very aware I am sure of her history, and that an aunt does not have rights to access so just ignore.

The OP does not have to answer the phone to her (get caller ID) or the door. I just feel that a modicum of understanding from the OP wouldn't go amiss here, and yes she and her DH have been provocative over the birthday stuff.

To say she doesn't deserve consideration because of behaviour stemming from her condition that has not been correctly addressed is pretty awful really.

The comments about her ADHD. I do hope everything gets better for you though, it does sound like a horrible situation.

What cause I said she plays on it??

She does even her mum says this.

I agree i could of handled a few things a bit better, but like glitter says this is not my problem job.

I know a boy like this, and his family is so worn down and completely fed up and exhausted by him.

He delights in upsetting people and making trouble.

He has counselling and has the professionals in tears.

A child can be immensely powerful and manipulative, and destroy family life. Yet he is only a child :(

I would have as little to do with your SIL as possible, to protect your own sanity.

These situations are so sad and I feel for you.

Thank you Bunty, so glad some1 understands

I do understand what you mean by 'playing on them' but that really isn't an accurate or helpful way to describe very disruptive behaviour for people with the kind of problems we are dealing with.

If there is a lack of empathy (hence calling SS etc. on you without care or regard for the consequences to your own family) it can be a (devastating) symptom of the disorder... and it is better to call it that.

The sorry part is that a lack of very firm and clear boundaries (from the immediate family) mean that very damaging behaviours can be the only way the person suffering can manage themselves and get attention and the things they want (not always quite what they need).

You should only have as much contact as you can manage to have in a calm, boundaried way (which might mean no contact at the moment - but perhaps a polite text explaining that you can't see her while these behaviours continue) and that includes making sure your own family is protected at all times. Then when things calm down start contact again on a new footing but only when you have a good and sensible plan on how to continue.

If she is hysterical on the doorstep then you do not let her in if you don't want to... the police is a last resort so perhaps call SS yourself first and ask their advice before you do that... even while she is at the door.

I say that from having a terrible situation with DBIL which was quite serious (police and court case, possible prison) and realising that that system can be extremely unhelpful and make their problems a lot worse. You need to avoid getting to that stage if you can.