Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with SIL

60 replies

canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 10:32

You probably will think I am being but you haven't put up with her for 6 years.

SIL is 16 and has "ADHD" I put that im quotes as i everyone knows she plays on it!

She is violent towards he mum and family in fact the other day she went for her Step D and when he pushed her away she called SS on him and her mum, and this isn't the first time she has done this.

She has threatened me with SS In the past because apparently i wouldn't let her see DS as much as she'd like.

TBH I think she has a bit of an obsession with DS!
I always let her come over to see DS and take him over to MIL's as much as i can.

But she always kicks off because they rest of the family see DS more that her!

In the past she has done some pretty horrific stuff, she made up a lie about DH a few years ago when DH was about 14-15 that could of got him in to ALOT of trouble tbh i dont even want to repeat it, but you can probably guess.

Anyway yesterday she phones me up having a go because i didnt bring DS over to see her on her birthday.
I didnt even think she was at home as she was away the previous day and i had no idea when she would be back.

She then had the cheek of saying that DH got payed the other day so why didnt we get her anything for her birthday, yeah he got payed but we had £700 rent arrears to pay!

Anyway i just told her to leave me alone and hung up.

TBH I don't want some1 that is so handy with the SS's number and doesn't care about the implications afterwards in my life, not to mention the other things she has done.

AIBU to never want me or DS to have anything to do with her again.

Sorry for the long post, i didn't another one and it was better but I deleted it all before i posted it Shock

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 10/11/2010 11:23

You've come to the wrong place if you think that people are going to ignore the fact that your 16 year old SIL has behaviourial problems and join in with calling a child a bitch.

She can ring the SS until she's blue in the face - she has no "rights" to access to her nephew.

Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 11:27

I am sorry I must be a terrible person then, but you dont have to put up with it, i wish i never mentioned the ADHD as that seems to be the foucus of this thead and that is not the point.

The point was aibu to not want me or ds having anything to do with her until she stops threatening me and demanding things from me

OP posts:
2shoes · 10/11/2010 11:28

i would assume the ADHD is important as it is probably the reason she behaves this way.

Kewcumber · 10/11/2010 11:28

"love the way this has turned into a poor bloody sil thread!!" Confused are you reading the same thread as me?

Not even sending her a card was bound to inflame things which you then have to deal with.

She obviously has big issues - I can;t imagine you took the threat to ring SS for acces to your DS seriously as tis so ridiculous - resumably as an adult you have the capability to see that wasn't going to get anywhere.

I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself slightly from it but helping your MIL isn't really compatible with that.

ShirleyKnot · 10/11/2010 11:31

The ADHD is massively relevant though.

YABU.

Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 11:33

I understand that Kew, I am gonna go now cause i am getting a bit stressed and what to go and calm down before i have to go and collect DS from school.

I will come back and read all you posts later and reply.

Thanks

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 11:38

good idea to take a break and calm down OP, its obviously upset you

but i for one am not going to join in and bitch about a child with obvious issues, she needs help and i think her family also need help in dealing with her, it might be a good idea to arrange councilling for all of you, or join some sort of support group so you know what you are dealing with

bigchris · 10/11/2010 11:43

I'd take a step back and let mil deal with her
if she rings moaning at you just suggest politely that she calls back when her brother is home and put the phone down
focus on your ds and let your husband sort his family out

borderslass · 10/11/2010 11:47

YANBU but I can see this from both sides DD2 has ADHD and isn't allowed to play on it, she gets sanctions for bad behaviour I have just come out of a real depressive episode and there was wrong on both sides.
Does she get quality one to one time with her mum as I find this helps us talk through issues even going for a coffee away from everyone else.

Glitterknickaz · 10/11/2010 11:51

All I see is a child with the same mental disability as one of my children, with accompanying behavioural issues, getting very little understanding and support.

Plus a bit of provocation thrown in for good measure.

Chil1234 · 10/11/2010 12:02

"getting very little understanding and support."

The 16 year-old is displaying very challenging behaviour to the extent that it is causing her mother to be depressed and other family members to be at the end of their tether. She clearly needs psychiatric, medical or other help. That aside, I also think that the person who wrote the original post is worthy of our support and understanding as well. She may not be particularly articulate and may not be expressing herself in the most politically correct terms but she is clearly very upset and shaken by what's happening.

ShirleyKnot · 10/11/2010 12:12

Saying she's had to "put up with her" for the last six years...since that child was 10 years old then, doesn't really make me feel much warmth towards her TBH.

VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 12:14

Yes, and she is getting support and some good advice on this thread, whats your point?

VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 12:18

and im not sure why you felt the need to mention how articulate she may or may not be, as no one has even mentioned that Hmm

Tanso · 10/11/2010 12:21

What if the history she has with DH is not a lie? Something as serious as what is implied may be affecting her a lot. Especially if she was not believed at the time.

Miggsie · 10/11/2010 12:28

YANBU to not want someone who is currently mentally unstable near your son.

If she is that ad she really does need pyschiatriatric help and it looks like school or GP are failing in that respect, unless it has been tried and she refuses to co-operate?

6 years is a long time and why is she obsessed with seeing her nephew? This sounds bizarre to me, most 16 yo are not obsessing about spending lots of time with a child, they are with their own friends.

I know someone like this, she demands stuff, not because she wants it but because it pisses people off, and she seems to enjoy pissing her family off.

If she gets off on pissing people off, is mentally unstable and occasionally violent, you do need to distance your son from her and your MIL needs to really push for physchiatric help from somewhere.

Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 12:55

thank you all for your posts and i will try and reply to all of them.

bigchris: this is probably what I will do thanks

borderslass: she does she resently spent the day with mil after the thing with step dad kicked off.

Chil1234: Thank you, that is exatly it, i know what is i am feeling and what has happened, but i am struggling to write in down.

ShirleyKnot: I may of not used the right term there, but you would understand if you were in my shoes.

Tanso: That post actually knocked me for six, she was definitely believed at the time and it caused alot of serious stress on the family and serious implications on my DH until it was proved otherwise.

Miggsie: That is exactly it!!!

OP posts:
ShadeofViolet · 10/11/2010 13:15

Even if you hadnt mentioned her ADHD (which of course is extremely relevant) she is still only a child.

ShadeofViolet · 10/11/2010 13:18

6 years is a long time and why is she obsessed with seeing her nephew? This sounds bizarre to me, most 16 yo are not obsessing about spending lots of time with a child, they are with their own friends.

But if she has behavioral problems she isnt like most 16 year olds is she.

Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 13:19

I know ShadeofViolet, you would think i gave her a slap or something, i just told her to leave us alone.

Are you saying that you would let a person like this influence ur DC on a day to day basices.

She may be a child, but it is MY child i am thinking of hear

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 13:22

TBH i am shitting myself here worrying that she is going to come and knock on my door when she finishes at college today.

I dont know what to do if she does

OP posts:
lucy101 · 10/11/2010 13:37

My DH's brother is Aspergers so on the spectrum too. It has been very tough to deal with as he also makes things up and behaves in ways that are very upsetting and hurtful, even threatening.

It is very hard not to dislike him because of this so I appreciate the you are at the end of your tether, I have certainly been too.... but you need to step back from this, to take a break and quietly put your own boundaries in place for you and your family's sake.

In my case this has meant restricted access to myself and my home (e.g. not visiting whenever DBIL feels like it, no phone calls after 10pm unless an emergency, limited and definitely not unsupervised access to my DC), bad behaviour is not rewarded by attention (he has to leave if he becomes offensive - calls are politely ended if necessary for the same reason).

In fact being consistent (but caring) in our approach has worked pretty well - we will always be there for him but will not be bullied or act as a punchbag.

There isn't a lot you can do (especially as this is not your child - and she is a child) apart from change your own behaviour towards the situation... but it doesn't help her (and it must be remembered she clearly has significant problems whatever label you give them) or you to get to the point where your own emotions are getting out of control.

lucy101 · 10/11/2010 13:39

As for if she turns up and knocks on the door.. you are the adult, she is the child, it is your home and if it is not convenient or she is spoiling for a fight you either do not answer the door or answer and say it is not a convenient time.

Original poster
canttakeitanymore · 10/11/2010 13:46

TBH I do not want a confrontation at the mo, so i think the best thing would be to not awnser, but this has happend before and she doesnt take the hint and will knock and knock and become hyisteral so much so that DH had to call the police last time.
DH is not hear this time so you can understand that i am worried

OP posts:
BigHairyGruffalo · 10/11/2010 13:51

Your priority is your own child. YABVU in the way you have spoken about your SIL, but I can understand that you are concerned for your own family.