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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP has handled this badly?

28 replies

Mahraih · 10/11/2010 10:13

DP and I are having our anniversary soon, and DP very kindly got us tickets to see a gig - tonight.

A couple of days ago, a colleague/friend of mine (who DP also knows and liked her DP) who is also going to the gig with her DP, suggested that we go to dinner before, as a foursome.

I said I'd have to ask as obviously this is an 'anniversary thing' for DP and he might have objected. We hadn't previously discussed what we'd do before the gig.

DP has to change the tickets as I will need seating (pregnant), and said that dinner was fine by him as long as he could get the ticket admin done in time.

Now, about ten minutes ago, a friend of his has called up - she is also going to the gig and he has arranged to have dinner with her: "As I?ve been meaning to catch up with her for ages I?m going to have dinner with her pre-gig, and obviously you are more than invited."

Now I know this wasn't a romantic anniversary night but I'm really very annoyed. He's arranged dinner with a friend of his who I've never met and has invited me along?! And now he's saying that he thought we hadn't confirmed with the other friends: no, we hadn't confirmed because he thought tickets might be difficult, not because he might have other plans.

I'm mostly angry because I will now either have to have dinner separate from DP (normally fine, but a bit weird in this situation) or drop my friend who did ask us first and have dinner with a girl I've never met.

AIBU? I know I am slightly, but I'm not sure if I have a right to express my irritation to him...

OP posts:
RealityBomb · 10/11/2010 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lollipopshoes · 10/11/2010 10:17

YANBU.

Could you all go to dinner together? I've been to gigs with dp where we all go out for dinner or drinks before the gig and there are friends of friends and all sorts of extras hanging around and it's always been really interesting.

Tis also good to meet up after the gig and talk about your experiences of it.

We have actually made some quite good friends just from doing this at various different gigs over the years - some we meet up with every year or so (before a gig) and never see in between, but it's always good to catch up with them when we do.

moraldisorder · 10/11/2010 10:20

'you are more than invited...' WTF youre spending the evening together, you have plans. Even if it wasnt your anniversary that is unacceptable.

What for the 'twat' comments to pile up and then show him this thread would be my advice Grin

Alternatively, can't the extra female join your party of 4?

MooMooFarm · 10/11/2010 10:20

YANBU. You asked if DP minded before confirming with the other couple to make it a foursome. And he didn't mind.

That's very different from him making separate arrangements to drop you in favour of having dinner with his friend (who is female and you don't know).

I wouldn't like it, as this is meant to be a night out for the two of you for your anniversary. Adding people to it is ok if you're both happy with that. Being happy to go off to eat with someone else and saying 'oh but you can come along if you want' isnt!

I would be VU and throw a hissy fit IIWU.

deepbluewave · 10/11/2010 10:21

er- I would be pi$$ed off to put it mildly.

What did he expect then,, he has dinner with his friend and you meet him after for the gig tickets, he bought for you both in the first place!

Being in a foursome, is still a hell of a lot more pleasurable and still quite romantic, over another girl mate, you have never met.

No way. The bird can wait.

deepbluewave · 10/11/2010 10:23

Plus, if his friend knows it your anniversary- Im sure she would feel a bit weird having dinner with him...and you. Depends who sentimental you both are, I suppose.

Original poster
Mahraih · 10/11/2010 10:32

Good thoughts guys, not sure why I didn't think of her coming along to the dinner with us four! Will suggest.

He seems to think it was an anniversary gift rather than an anniversary evening out i.e. the gig was the anniversary part and whatever surrounded it was just a normal evening out. I probably corroborated that by suggesting to him that we make it a foursome.

But yes, deepbluewave I agree, a foursome still seems quite romantic rather than a couple and someone one of them has never met!

MooMooFarm I DID throw a hissy fit, complete with a hissed 'wanker' over my shoulder as I left Blush

OP posts:
SkeletonFlowers · 10/11/2010 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ccpccp · 10/11/2010 10:33

YABU.

It was OK for you to blow the anniversary plans out of the water by introducing your collegue to the equation. Then when DP responds by doing exactly the same with a friend from his side, you throw one.

TBH I think your DP was probably a little annoyed at the proposed change to the original plan, and so made his own to piss you off. Thus the 'you are more than invited' comment.

He now has his plans made without considering you, because he feels you changed the original plans without considering him.

Happy anniversary ;)

ChaoticAngel · 10/11/2010 10:34

YANBU

Your DP is being very unreasonable and a fuckwit.

deepbluewave · 10/11/2010 10:35

But she did ask him his thoughts and ran it by him, before she committed to plans with the other couple.

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 10:35

YANBU. You checked the change of plans with your DP giving him the option of saying he would rather spend the evening alone with you, which he did not. Once you have made plans, it is very bad manners to cancel them for something 'better'. He is being rude. (As is ccpccp above, what he did was not the same at all, he made plans without considering you at all)

ChaoticAngel · 10/11/2010 10:37

ccpccp the op had the courtesy to ask her DP if he minded first. Plus it's a couple not just a single person.

VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 10:38

YABNU he knew you both had already been asked to have have dinner before the gig, why would he go and make other plans with someone youve never meet?

he is a fuckwit, i would be highly annoyed at the tosser

VinegarTits · 10/11/2010 10:39

oh and the 'you are more than invited' would make me want to rip his lungs out

plantsitter · 10/11/2010 10:44

Put it this way: if you were the girly friend and the bloke said 'my DP has had a hissy fit at being more than invited because it's our anniversary' would you think 'silly cow' or 'well yes I'm not surprised you tosser'?

Tobermory · 10/11/2010 10:44

Relaitybomb said it perfectly.

YANBU..... AT ALL!

Original poster
Mahraih · 10/11/2010 10:47

ccpccp: I did wonder if it was revenge of some sort! I don't think so; he's not a mean or vengeful guy. To be fair, I asked him what he thought of having dinner with another couple (who he knows and likes) and I think (hope) I didn't pressure him. He didn't seem irritated about it at all at the time. I certainly wouldn't have committed to plans and then told him he was invited.

Anyway, my other friends have said it's more than fine for his friend to come along, and have invited another of their friends along to even up the numbers

OP posts:
deepbluewave · 10/11/2010 10:47

oh I wish I was that reasonable.

Original poster
Mahraih · 10/11/2010 10:51

I'm glad I'm NBU!

I won't show him the thread (he's been subjected to judgement by Mumsnet once before and is now pretty scared of this place) but have told him I posted it.

He's not a fuckwit, really, I think he just didn't realise what arranging dinner with his friends would mean for our previous plans, and how I'd feel about it :)

OP posts:
catsmother · 10/11/2010 10:51

The OP suggested the foursome idea, she didn't present it as a fait accompli as her OH has done. As someone said earlier, anniversary or not, it seems mightiliy odd and/or insensitive to tell the OP that he's going off for dinner with someone else (who happens to be female and who the OP's never met) anyway .... but has "justified" this ill-mannered plan by saying to her she is "obviously more than invited". So that's alright then .... what if OP doesn't want to go for dinner with DP and his friend ? It's basically "I'm going to do exactly what I want and you'll have to put up or shut up" dressed up in fancy words.

And TBH, I'd feel a bit pissed off at "having" to include her in the previously mooted foursome plans (assuming her DP agrees to that) if that was the only way I could get to have dinner with my DP that night !

Original poster
Mahraih · 10/11/2010 10:52

*friend, singular, sorry.

OP posts:
catsmother · 10/11/2010 10:53

X-post .... I think you're being extremely reasonable in the circumstances !

ccpccp · 10/11/2010 10:57

OP asked because she wanted the change to the plans. Maybe DP didnt feel he could say no without appearing a misery/offending the other couple.

What OP should have done is turn down the original invitation as it was an anniversary evening she and DP had planned together. If he then said 'no thats fine lets do dinner' it would have been ok to go back and make the date.

Who asked first, who confirmed first for later dates etc is just noise.

OP needs to speak to her DP and find out what he expected from the evening. He deliberately double booked to make some obscure point so I would say he didnt want dinner with the couple!

ccpccp · 10/11/2010 11:02

x-posted with you OP.

Gathering everyone together sounds like a much better idea :)