To be selfish and sad about new nephew

[purplearmadillo]

My brother and SIL had their first baby tonight. I have two wonderful children who are 6 and nearly 3. I really wanted a third child but DH doesn't. I have felt like this for 2 and a half years and the pain doesn't go away. I've dreaded how I would feel when their baby arrived. Its been hard enough with friends' babies, but if my nephew reminds me of either DS or DD i know I am going to be in bits.

I feel horrible and selfish, I want to be unconditionally happy for them, I am so happy for them but part of me is just so heartbroken that its not my baby and it never will be me again with a newborn and all the wonder to come of watching that tiny person become who they are going to be.

Tell me that I am BU and tell me how I can get rid of the tears tonight and put on the proper reaction to them and my family tomorrow.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel it but you would be extremely unreasonable if you allowed them to become aware of your feelings. I think all you can do is give yourself a manly shake and think about them. Hugs.

YANBU but you musn't let your db and sil know them

Could you get some counselling, maybe via your GP? It sounds like quite a serious problem.

YANBU but just because he isn't your baby, doesn't mean you can't love him and watch him grow, it's not quite the same, but surely you have something to give each other? I adore my nieces and nephews, in a totally different way to my own but it's still a big deal. My little niece looks just like I did when I was small, I probably spoil them more than I will mine, because I don't have to live with the consequences [evil]

Of course I won't tell, you are all right. I haven't told them or my parents at any time through the pregnancy. I'm glad I've found out now so I have tonight to compose myself. I didn't expect to feel so sad about it. I have a friend who desperately wants a baby and who has just had a third, failed round of IVF. Her brother just had a baby and I know in comparison I am blessed and should just shut up really.

But its hard to switch off your feelings about children isn't it.

I think I will try to get some counselling because DH's position on it (and also his refusal even to show understanding for the impact his decision has on me) is affecting how I feel about him.

I wish this feeling would go away.

Porcelain, I really hope I get the chance to spend lots of time with him. My DS is less than 3 years older so I hope they will be friendly. I am very close to my family but DSIL has a sister who she is close to and I'm afraid they won't really make time for us to see him and for him to be close to my DCs.

Maryz, you are right. Maybe its not jealousy for them, its just as a separate thing, its made me realise again that a third child is important to me and that I need to raise it again with DH.

What we do is completely separate to the joy I feel for my brother, who has wanted children for quite a while and who will be an amazing dad. That is what I will focus on with them tomorrow, the other issue is for me and DH to consider.

YANBU - you feel how you feel and you wont tell them how you feel - so how could you possibly be U?

((HUGS))

I think DH needs to understand the impact this is having on you and on your relationship :(

Do you agree with his reasons for not wanting another one? Or is he just saying 'I don't want another one' without any actual reason?

I am writing him a letter now, which I will ask him to read. I have talked to my best friend about it, but she agrees with DH I think, she has two children and is happy with that.

DH's reasons are primarily that it is too hard work, he doesn't enjoy the baby phase and also that he doesn't want to have a disabled child and he thinks we should be grateful for what we have.

My reasons for wanting another child are the usual female reasons, a feeling that my family isn't complete and that this is what I am here to do and it has been the most wonderful experience of my life being a mother and that I want to do it again.

ChippingIn, thank you for putting that so compassionately. I guess its that kind of compassion that I need DH to show. I'd just like him to acknowledge the impact his choice has had on my life.

I think it will be ok to be a bit weepy when you meet your new DNephew because sometimes new babies make people go ultra gooey anyway. So put it down to that. There is a way to stop yourself feeling really weepy - I found it on MN, of course and it works when I'm watching something on tv - push your tongue against the roof of your mouth at the front - so it's your hard palate, just behind the gum. Try it out now if you're already feeling weepy.

Re. wanting another baby - it's a toughie. A friend of mine wanted a 3rd, despite ostensibly having teh perfect family already, and pushed her DH until he agreed. He wasn't keen, thought 2 was enough - but when the 3rd came along, he said he realised that something had been missing and now DC3 was here, he knew what it was. 3 was definitely enough for both of them (and he has had the snip now)

I hope you can find a way forward for yourself to reconcile things with your DH one way or another - because festering resentment about anything, let alone something this big, is not good for your relationship's longterm survival, as I'm sure you realise.

I understand completely. All I can tell you is that when the time comes, it will not be as horrendous as you imagine. You will be able to smile and coo and not fall apart, especially if you've prepared yourself beforehand.

I don't think your being unreasonable to have these feelings. I don't want anymore children but I am still sad that my youngest is now a toddler and that the babies have gone for me. It's weird isn't it probably natures little trick to ensure the human race procreates but you absolutely can't let your SIL and family know how you feel that would be unkind.

I know exactly how you feel. We are ttc number 2 with no success, made worse by the fact that DD was instantaneous so we were a bit cocky about it all. SIL had a baby in the summer and her younger sister is due her first in Feb and it's driving me crazy. I've reached the stage where I can't go into the ELC to get the Christmas present that DD wants because I have to walk through Mothercare.

You just have to nod and smile to them (which I'm sure you are anyway). Not sure what you can do about your DH though.

You are not being unreasonable to want another baby, as long as you don't let the new parents see your sadness at their baby.

Good luck with the letter purplearmadillo. Your husband's reasons would be reasons against having a baby at all. My dh put forward the same ones against our dc3. I remember convincing him otherwise on a long car journey in Cornwall.
Our third, a dd, is 1 and the dh loves her enormously.

Can you not just try and find a way to be happy with what you have rather than what you don't? I think you should try and seek out some counselling.

purplearmadillo, I really feel for you.
I have been in an almost identical situation.
My Dcs are similar ages and I have wanted another for a good 2 years but DH did not.
For the last year it has really got to me, mainly as you say becasue DH wasnt even acknowledging how strongly I felt about it and how upset it made me. It really was starting to make me feel differentlyy about him.
It all came to a massive peak about 2 weeks ago and I did similar to what you are planning and wrote him a letter. I even suggested that we did maarriahge counselling (as it is an issue with your relationship and both of you, due to the way he is dealing with it too)
I dont know how my situaation will end up, but the outcome of a few daays of arguments and tears has led to DH eventually saying that another baby is prefereble to me being permanently unhappy, now that he has really seen how much it has affected me. So I am hopeful that we will be able to move on and have one more DC and both be happy in the end. Its still very early days and pretty raw though.

I hope that your letter opens up communication between you and helps your Dh to understand how big a deal this is for you.
If you'd like to talk about it on email, then feel free to PM me.